This week, for the first time in a long time, I was able to do more than just survive. I feel pretty excellent about it.
Last night during our together-time, my husband and I both shared that we’d had better than average days. He got up and went for a walk on the beach by himself and then proceeded to meet all his deadlines at work instead of struggling to concentrate, taking a nap, and falling behind. I’ve been keeping up with the dishes instead of letting them stack up, and when my daughter was napping I started a registry for baby Morgan. That, of course, was fun for me.
I’ve decided that we’re going to sell the dresser in our bedroom (as well as a wooden shoe cabinet in our entryway and some of our more expensive clothes that no longer fit). Then, we’ll move our bed against a wall to make space for -drum roll, please- a crib! Originally I thought we’d just use a pack ‘n play with built in bassinet, but that takes up almost as much space as a crib, anyway. Plus, a crib is just way cuter. That way, I can have a little wooden sign made that says “Morgan” and hang it over her crib, and I can buy her crib sheets and other things to really create a space for her. I also decided I’m going to buy a nightstand with drawers to use as a miniature baby dresser to keep her clothes in until we move into a place where she can have a real dresser. Once we move, the nightstand can serve as an end table next to her rocking chair, which is currently in my daughter’s bedroom.
Today was my husband’s sleep-in day, so I woke up early with my daughter and we were out of the house by 9am (which is early for us, ha!). We went to Target, mostly just for fun. I got a few condiments we were running low on as well as a scented candle. The other day my husband made a comment about how I always used to burn candles (before our daughter was born), so I decided to start again. After that, we decided to try out a local park we hadn’t been to before, and it was PERFECT. It had equipment appropriate for my daughter’s age, lots of greenery including large trees that created lots of shade, and, best of all, nobody was there. Jackpot.
We played there for a while and my daughter did not want to leave, so I bribed her with “naked painting,” haha. Usually when she paints I just get her naked, so apparently she associates the two things now. I was like, “do you want to paint?” and she was like, “yes!” I was like, “let’s go home and paint then,” and she was like, “naked?”
Sure, honey. You can paint naked.
Then the whole drive home she was like, “Paint! Naked! Paint! Naked!”
She’s a big fan of being naked in general. She also insists that all her dolls are naked.
Yesterday one of my coworkers who recently became licensed reached out to me and was being really friendly. I mean, it’s not a bad thing to be friendly, but it did surprise me. Back in the day when we worked in the same building, we would get together and talk when neither of us had clients, but we’d never hung out outside of work or even considered the idea of doing so. After not seeing her for a year, I wasn’t expecting to hear from her, and I especially wasn’t expecting her to say things like, “I hope you know you are amazing.” My mind immediately jumps to thinking that she’s being so kind because she enjoys being kind, and it’s really more about her than it is about me. But then, even if that’s true, I like to think she’s being intentional about where she’s directing her kindness, and so it did feel good that she chose to direct it at me.
Alternatively, I was sharing with my husband recently how, when I see the women who I traveled to Greece with pop up on my social media, I always get a negative feeling. I’m still bitter about how that went. My husband seems to think I’m overreacting, by holding onto it after all these years. I told him he doesn’t understand. I got a second job for that trip. I saved up thousands of dollars. Then I spent 20 hours traveling. It was a big deal! And it got totally overshadowed by these three women who decided, on day one, to exclude me from the group. And they didn’t do it in a blatant way. No, it was subtle. The way it happened led to years of me wondering if it was my fault.
Yesterday I was watching Big Bang Theory, and two of the characters were talking about unspoken social rules, and, suddenly, it just clicked for me. I realized that the whole Greece incident was just an unfortunate event where I fell on the wrong side of unspoken social rules. Danae (my arch nemesis!) had already established friendships with the other two girls (who I have way more in common with than she does), and because the circle of friends was already created before I arrived, and because, no matter how hard I tried, I just could not be friends with Danae, it was decided. I was the odd man out.
My husband is right that, all things considered, this is an old and boring story in my life, but it is important for me to process anyway. It really fucking bugged me for way too long.
I also realized something about the dynamic between me and my husband. It occurred to me that I’ve been gradually feeling better for the past three weeks, while he’s been gradually feeling worse, and that’s a lot of what has been manifesting between us. It’s just that vast contrast in our spots in life. Realizing that helps me have more compassion for him.
Like this entry started, I’m starting to be able to do more than survive. My daughter’s toys are actually picked up for a change. The dishes are done. Yesterday I cleaned the dust off the floor under my daughter’s dresser, and today I swept the living room. Things are actually coming together, and I can see the light! This all reminds me of how my husband said that he can’t tell the difference between my productivity during my first trimester and my normal level of productivity. Thinking about that comment still makes me want to slap some sense into him. I know it’s pretty typical for men to be oblivious, but that doesn’t make it any more tolerable.
That’s all for today. Thanks for reading! <3
Last updated January 26, 2021