Taking the risk. in Diary

I decided yesterday morning to quit drinking cold turkey. In not too long from now it will be 48 hours since I took my last drink. I realize that there is a risk of serious side effects when a heavy drinker like myself suddenly quits, such as a high fever and seizures that can lead to death. But I've reached the point where I'm willing to take that risk. I don't think I'll die, be I a fool or not for thinking this way. I've never experienced delirium tremens (the DTs) which includes body tremors like when your hands shake uncontrollably, never experienced any of the typical withdrawal symptoms the next day after a night of heavy drinker. When I say I'm a heavy drinker, I'm talking 10-14 shots of whiskey a day, nearly every day, for the past couple years.

Yesterday I was feeling a little off, so I took a xanax, which brought me mostly back to normal. Today I feel significantly better than yesterday. I'm going to take another xanax tonight and one the next couple of nights to reduce the chances I'll have any seizures and what have you. I read from MedlinePlus that it's important to eat enough while you are detoxing, so I'm going to bag my diet plan for today and make something as filling and full of calories as possible as soon as I finish this entry, not to mention yummy. And I'm going to eat dessert, too. I almost wrote desert. Time to go eat some sand. Lol. Then I remembered what my teacher from elementary school taught me, something about how you know there are two S's in dessert because you always want more dessert but not so much more desert. That's a lame recollection, I know, but it's been a long time.

I have just enough xanax to get me through the danger zone of alcohol withdrawal. It'll be my high way. I mean, highway. I've always disliked the way xanax makes me feel, although it has worked very well in controlling any symptoms of anxiety I've suffered with from time to time. I can manage my anxiety unless I'm doing something extreme like quitting cannabis or alcohol. One time in my life I had a panic attack, but it's only ever been the once. Oddly enough (or maybe not so oddly) alcohol cured it. It was ages ago. Since then I've gone through high-stress times and even experienced a few "bad" mushroom trips. Speaking of drugs, hallucinogenic mushrooms are the only substance out of all I've tried that I don't regret trying. That's actually a lie. There is one other drug I tried while I was in Alaska, with Shawnie, that I don't regret trying, but I want to come across as a better person here than I really am, at least in this entry, so I won't mention it. If you are curious I'll tell you. The point of this rambling paragraph is: Don't worry, I won't get addicted to xanax, because I don't like it.

I trimmed some bushes today in the front yard. They're called.......something. Ugh! I can't remember. They smell piney when you cut them. They're green. Heh. And their leaves are made up of a bunch of interconnected, soft spikes. It's a type of juniper shrub, but it's one that flowers and doesn't produce berries. I used to love eating the juniper berries that grew on the trees by my front porch when I was a kid. I still remember what they taste like. So deliciously piney.

I flaked out on my taxes. I'm still going to do them, either tomorrow or Monday at the latest, but of course they'll be late. In the state I was in, getting drunk all the time and then being hungover the rest of the time, I couldn't face doing them, for some reason. Now I'm just going to do them. My mind is a lot clearer, and my challenges seem much more surmountable to me than they did even 24 hours ago. I started reading two books, one called Learned Optimism, by Martin Seligman, and the other Gauntlgrym, by Bob Salvatore. Two very different books, to be sure. When I went to Barnes & Noble yesterday, I accidentally bought book 2 in a new series I'm planning to start reading. I'm debating whether to just read it, since the author says that each book can be read as a stand alone novel although there is an overall story arc. What do you think?

Lately I've been staying up super late, going to bed as soon as the sun starts coming up. A weird habit, to be sure. But tomorrow I need to be somewhere by 9:00 am, so...well, let's just say 3 hours sleep won't be enough. Or will it? I'm thinking what I'll do is go to bed at 02:45 and get up at 08:45. Can we please abandon the am/pm thing, world? I'm tired of trying to decide how to write it: a.m., am, or AM, and whether or not to put a space between it and the number.

Well, I'm going to go make some food and take a xanax and relax with some youtube videos or maybe Netflix. Then I'll catch up on reading entries and noting. Take care. Be good to yourself.