Can’t remember how we met, I must have been a toddler.
Can’t remember him being cruel even once. He must have been plagued for many years because he committed suicide five days ago. No one saw it coming. He hadn’t changed a bit, was with friends a few days before it happened. They all say he seemed happy as always.
He worked offshore in Kattegat and had a lot of disposable income, but that got me thinking about a few things. Signs everyone might have missed.
Last time I saw him we talked about wealth and both our plans to purchase a house, but he mentioned fears of suddenly losing all his teeth or otherwise going bankrupt, so he decided to save more, even though he could buy a house right there and then and not owe a dime. Yet he gladly bought games on Steam for everyone to play; only rule was that you had to play at least 8 hours with him. He didn’t care what the games cost.
I never liked that concept because I felt like I’d be mooching off of his wealth; in reality he was probably lonely. Reaching out. And I completely fucking missed it.
You might be thinking he was a bit of a nerd with the information given, but he was quite the contrary. Many ladies have enjoyed his company, as he might have put it, but rarely found one he felt he could hang on to. But he had no significant other or children. All of his friends and family either has kids or is otherwise living their life. He was sitting in an old 2 room apartment in a depressing ghetto with no desires to move. I fear he might have given up hope a long time ago and postponed his decision until now. The more I think of it the more I think he felt left behind.
He traveled a lot. He had seen so much of the world. I was scrolling on his Facebook page on Tuesday after I had gotten the dreadful news. There’s a bunch of pictures there with him either partying or doing something most would consider awesome. But I noticed that in all of them he rarely smiled, and when he did it was half a smile. One specific photo stood out. He was at a giant party in Brazil and there’s probably 10 to 15 of his friends in the picture, and they’re all yelling and throwing signs with their hands. But not my mate. He’s dead center in the picture, a colorful drink in his hands but no smile on his face. Not to mention it was his brothers wedding with his brother in the picture.
I have so many thoughts and theories everyday and night I fear I’m walking in circles.
I still can’t fathom that he is gone. One of the few good guys I ever knew. Knew him my entire life. It just fucking sucks so much.
I can’t do anything about it now but I can keep better touch with everyone I have left. I can be more aware and be grateful that I had a mate for so long who was always there, always tried to do the good thing and has to suffer no more.
Rest in peace buddy. You were awesome.