The first thing I felt today was good.
The other day one of my friends asked why I decided to convert my daughter’s crib into a toddler bed, and I explained the benefits of her being able to get out of bed and come to me when she needs me, versus me having to stop what I’m doing to go get her. This is particularly nice in the morning. This morning, for example, my daughter woke up at 6:30am. I generally refuse to get out of bed before 7:30am, and my husband will usually take one for the team if my daughter wants to get up between 7 and 7:30, but 6:30am is early, even for my husband. SO, when I saw her walk into my room, I told her to go get her blankets out of her bed and come get in bed with us. She did, and we all got to sleep for another hour… all without me having to move.
I’ve heard from other people that having your toddler get used to sleeping in your bed with you is a bad idea, but I haven’t really figured out why yet. Maybe it’s because other people’s kids may take advantage of that? But our daughter doesn’t really want to sleep in our bed unless it’s for a short time in the morning like this. I’ve tried to consider how this might impact us once there’s an infant around, and I still don’t really see the downside. Having to get out of bed and then trying to convince my daughter to fall back asleep in her room OR just having to wake up with her both seem like less ideal options in my book.
Once I was well rested this morning, I came out with my daughter and immediately started making myself breakfast (in order to stave off morning sickness). Coming out of the bedroom to see my kitchen and living room mostly in order of course gave me a nice feeling. Also, both my first and last client today canceled, which I am totally fine with, so I only have three clients on the calendar, and I don’t have to see the first one until 11:30am. Since my husband has pretty much resigned to taking our daughter over to his parents’ house every morning, that means I get some quiet time AND I bought myself some mint chocolate coffee creamer yesterday. So like I said, the day is off to a nice start.
The only thing that is lowkey killing my vibe is when my mind starts to wander off to expectations for the next several months. Like, how the fuck is this all going to work? According to my recent findings, IF my hours are approved for licensure, it looks like they won’t be for another 6-8 weeks. So let’s just say February. Then I have to sign up to take the test. Let’s say I take it in May. This baby is due in July. Does my husband really think I’m going to be able to find a new job, go house hunting, and move in before the baby arrives? To me the thought of that sounds like madness. But to him, the thought of bringing a baby into this condo is madness.
ALSO, what the fuck is our plan for maternity leave? I know I am not in a position to get any paid maternity leave. I’m going to have to take at least two months off unpaid. It doesn’t make very much sense for me to get a new job that I’m immediately going to have to leave, which makes me think staying at my current job (with a pay raise) will be the most logical thing to do, at least until I’m ready to go back to work after maternity leave. I have no idea what my mental-emotional state is going to be at that time. After my first kid, I was kind of a wreck for close to a year after giving birth.
ALSO, let’s just say, hypothetically, we do buy a house. I’ve checked, and the only place we can afford to buy a house isn’t going to be anywhere near my husband’s parents’ house. So what is our plan for childcare?? We’re going to need to be able to pay for 1) my maternity leave, 2) our mortgage, and 3) childcare for two kids.
I need to talk to my husband. He’s got tunnel vision about getting a house, and every time I broach the subject he completely unravels. But we have to address these things.
So yeah. I’m having a pretty solid morning, but unfortunately that means it’s the first time in a few weeks that I’ve even been able to think, and this is what is still waiting for me to figure out. I look forward to a day that I wake up to a peaceful day and don’t have a huge problem in need of solving.
Until then <3
I just approached my husband to ask when would be a good time for us to get together and make a more concrete plan for our future.
First, he said, “I can’t think about this right now, just plan it and I’ll make it work.”
I just looked at him like, WTF.
He was like, “What is it that you even want to talk about?”
I was like, “I just have a lot of unanswered questions, like what if we can’t get a house before this baby arrives? what is our plan for maternity leave? how are we going to pay for childcare?”
He promptly started attacking me for “assuming we’re going to drown.”
I started yelling, “I AM NOT ASSUMING WE’RE GOING TO DROWN. I JUST WANT TO HAVE A FUCKING PLAN.”
Eventually we settled on this. He is going to go out and find a realtor who he trusts by the end of January 2021. He’s then going to explore our options as far as finding a house either in Temecula (far from parents) or closer to where we are now (near his parents) and find out exactly how much it will cost for us to move. Once we have that information, we will reassess.
Ugh. He makes things so difficult.
Last updated December 12, 2020