Well, I just got done with my first “day” at my new job. It was an interesting experience, I suppose.
First of all, I should mention that I’ve been so fucking sick and exhausted these past few days. My husband was legitimately worried about how I could be left alone with our daughter while he worked on Monday because I’m barely functioning over here. I knew, of course, that if that’s what had to be done, I could do it. I just had to pull some survivor skills out of my butt (AKA go into autopilot and, even when my body is saying no, just keep doing one thing at a time). I think I did a kickass job.
Sadly, I’ve been very short with my daughter. It mainly happens when I’m hungry, because I’ll go from “I think I’m getting hungry” to “I need to eat NOW or I’m going to kill someone” in about a minute and a half. It’s quick. So, when I start to make myself a meal and my daughter is suddenly and urgently in need of my undivided attention for no apparently identifiable reason, (or, rather, a thousand miscellaneous reasons), I just CANNOT. I start raising my voice at her and saying, “You have to wait for mommy to eat! And then I will help you!” and when that just leads to her crying and pulling on me while I’m trying to prepare my meal, I can just feel the anxiety rising up through my chest, through my neck, and up to my eyeballs (while I’m also feeling weak, shaky, and nauseous). This probably sounds like a ridiculous overreaction, but it almost feels traumatizing to me, haha. I just can’t cope.
I’m just so grateful that my husband reflects his observations to me and assures me that he is not judging me. He does a good job of saying things like, “I’ve noticed this about you,” and, just very point blank, “I’m not judging you.”
ANYWAY, so my new job asked for my availability, and I basically told them the same schedule I was working before I lost all my insurance client’s at my current job—minus the two days that I am still working at my current job. So that means I can see 3 clients on Tuesday afternoon, 6 clients on Wednesday, and 6 clients on Saturday, for a total of 15 clients. Ideally, I will fill up my caseload with those 15 clients, things will go smoothly, and I’ll start to transition over the other two days so I am seeing all of my clients through one job, but we’ll see. It will both depend on how I’m feeling, and if my new job can even offer me that. So far they have not.
Today they had originally scheduled the 3 clients that I said I could meet with, but one of them rescheduled yesterday and the other one didn’t show up today—which is fine with me. I like slow transitions. So far it looks like I have 5 clients scheduled tomorrow and 5 on Saturday. Plus, of course, I have 10 clients scheduled at my current job. 20 more clients this week? And 5 hours of meetings? Yeah, that’s plenty… especially considering my level of energy. Ooph.
The last thing I’ll mention right now is that my new job is going to connect me primarily with court ordered clients, which is a new population for me. I have worked with a few court ordered individuals, but it’s a huge minority of the people I’ve worked with. A couple of people pointed out to me that this could mean I have to communicate with social workers, and it could also mean that I have to testify in court. So that should be… interesting as well. I’ll keep you updated.
Until next time <3