Man, today is going to be a long day for me. I have six clients scheduled, which was a totally normal day back when I worked full time, but for the past two months I don’t usually see more than four clients per day, and those four are usually spread out all over the day. Today there is just one gap for lunch, and other than that they’re all scheduled back to back.
This month feels like such a wonky month. My calendar has gone through so many shifts. I’m not waking up early and reading anymore, because I’m exhausted. We stopped going to the beach for a walk or jog. We stopped going to the Farmer’s Market. I feel like these are excellent examples of how I am fully in charge of not just my own life, but the life of my husband and daughter as well. My husband would never initiate any kind of event, let alone a total change of habit or routine. If it weren’t for me, we would never do anything.
Also new this month, I got my husband on board with the YouNeedABudget website, and we’ve been prioritizing a time each week to touch base and see how things are looking. This past week was the first time we were able to “assign jobs to our dollars.” I’m still trying to understand how to incorporate credit cards into the budget. I don’t even know how to see what’s happening on my Target credit card. It just pays itself off automatically, and sometimes (often times) it’s way more money than I realized.
This weekend is our daughter’s baptism, which I’m trying to mentally prepare for. Her godmother (my husband’s sister) got her dress, because apparently that’s a tradition or something. I got her shoes and a hair piece. Then her grandma got her socks and a fluffy coat to wear. I think her godmother mentioned something about bloomers. I’m going to have to get all of these things together today. I told my husband that I’m worried that, when they pour the water on her, she’s going to kick and scream. He assured me it will be fine. We’ll see…
After the baptism we’re doing a family photo shoot. In the past we’ve either hired professionals, or, when we did a photo shoot with my family in Washington, my older brother did all of the camera work. This time we’re relying on my father in law, and I don’t entirely trust him. We asked him once before to take pictures of our daughter back when she wore a helmet so we could submit a photo to the calendar for babies with helmets, and his editing was AWFUL. He used weird filters and tilted the picture in a strange way and I was really disappointed. I thought she was totally cute enough to be a calendar baby, but the picture looked completely botched. This time I am planning on requesting minimal editing. I’m also a little concerned about my daughter cooperating, but we’ll cross that bridge when we reach it.
I’m in a weird limbo right now with my pregnancy, because even though I’m definitely experiencing symptoms of pregnancy (constant unsettled feeling in my belly, fatigue, mood swings, occasional difficulty regulating body temperature, etc.), it’s still hard to feel truly pregnant without having heard the baby’s heartbeat. I’m still halfway expecting them to say the baby isn’t developing correctly or something like that.
It’s a little frustrating, because one thing I really want to be different this time compared to last time is that this time I am hoping I can manage my anxiety better. And with that, I mean specifically postpartum anxiety. It was REAL BAD the first time, like I could barely function for the first year. A couple of things I’m hoping might help are
1) I want to be a lot more vocal about needing help with the initial pain of recovery. Last time I was NOT set up with appropriate pain relief and it was fucking brutal. I mean full fledged hyperventilating, trembling all over, crying hysterically in pain for nearly two weeks.
2) I want to develop a breastfeeding relationship with my baby independent of intervention. Last time, as soon as my baby was born, there were nurses all over us—grabbing and squeezing my boob, and shoving my baby’s face into it. We became completely dependent on them, and then when we left the hospital we couldn’t get a latch. My mom was there propping us up with pillows and crap. Then we went back to speak to a consultant who gave us a nipple guard, and then we ended up dependent on the pillows and nipple guard and I could never even breastfeed my baby anywhere but my own couch. That created SO MUCH added anxiety to my life in that first year.
So hopefully doing those two things differently will help and hopefully having the experience I have now will help. I’m a little bit anxious already about the hormones, because there are times already, in my first trimester, that I feel like my body just released a ton of hormones, and sometimes I honestly feel like I’m on the edge of reality—like one small push and I could slip out of reality. It’s scary to me. I don’t like feeling that way.
That’s all for this morning. Until next time <3
Last updated November 21, 2020