Cutting in My Therapy Book

My daughter is backing to harming herself again. I am at a loss. The pain I feel every time I see a mark on her makes me feel like she is cutting me also. My chest tightens up and I can barely breath just thinking about it. The pain she must be feeling in order to do this type of damage to herself is beyond my understanding. She will not share with us and I have lost any hope that it will stop. I thought we were making progress. She seemed to be getting better and showed signs and there was change but like a light switch being switch on or off it is back. We can’t identify what triggered it or what is compelling her to act this way. As a father I feel like a failure. I am unable to protect here and give her what she needs to be happy. I fear one day I will come home and she will be gone. The very thought of it drives me nearly mad.

I can’t even explain the swirl of thoughts that gives me. I am ashamed of even thinking some of them. I almost feel all of our lives would be better if we shipped her off to some residential community where she would be under constant care and supervision. She might get the care she needs and the attention she desires. Our lives could return to some level of normal and all would be right with the world. I realize that is not true but I can’t help thinking it at times. It is a shame I have never shared with anyone except here. The selfish side or me wants it to all end and I want the happy life I think I should be having. It was not supposed to be this way. I hate myself and my life right now. I am so full of hate that I don’t think there is any room left for love.