Finally called my clinic about my scrip, and my LMHC doesn’t have an opening until October 29.
Supposedly they contacted her about a bridge refill, but who knows (A) if that actually happened and (B) how long it’ll be before she has the chance to write it and mail it.
My LMHC is a cool person and very on top of her shit, but this is a community health center and they are OVERWHELMED right now. Shockingly, the mental health of their (largely unhoused or otherwise underserved) patients is deteriorating rapidly?!
I originally signed up for a CHC because I more or less work for them, and it made sense to me to support the businesses I also work to uphold. But now it kinda seems… weird? Like, I have insurance. They are mainly there to serve the un/underinsured. I’m essentially taking up their time when I could find a doc anywhere and pay the same copay. And it’s not like they’re hurting for business rn.
When I do finally talk to her next month, I may ask about getting referred out. It’d also be nice to be able to call and schedule an appt with someone within a couple weeks instead of a couple months. Considering I always procrastinate on my scrip refills, this has bitten me in the ass several times.
Thanks for all the well wishes re: my piggo! The remaining piggo seems to be doing pretty well, but we’ll see. She chowed the fuck down on my hand yesterday while I tried to wash the crusty poop off her feet. She hasn’t bitten me in a long time. (Other than her occasional “is this food? no, finger still not vegetable” style of nibbling.)
Afterward tho, I realized it’s actually a sign of trust that she was willing to wreck my finger as soon as I did something she didn’t like. Piggos have basically no defense mechanisms other than running away, screaming and biting. But she didn’t try to get away at all and didn’t make any noise; in a predator situation, going straight for the bite instead of tryna flee would almost certainly get you murdered. So I’d like to believe she skipped directly to biting because she knows I wouldn’t hurt her.
Or I’m psychoanalyzing a fucking pig to avoid thinking about other things.
Mood-wise I was doing a little better yesterday, but today I’m back in the shit. Ugh. Probably doesn’t help that I wined it up last night. Wine done fucks with my head and I DON’T EVEN ENJOY DRINKING IT so I don’t know why I do this to myself.
TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY.
Another day to ACTUALLY GET UP AT 6 LIKE I KEEP MEANING TO and spend my morning getting my brain in gear for all the work I have to do that I’ve been aggressively putting off.
I CAN DO IT. I BELIEVE IN ME.
Rochester (MQ’s friend) is moving back to Rochester lol. Ugh, I legit wanted to be his friend. Like the kind of friend I see more than once every 6-9 months. With Zelda and Zardoz leaving, I’ve been thinking about other people in the city I can actually chill with, and he was on the short list. It seems like we click really well, and conversation is easy, especially for two people with social anxiety. I’m shockingly comfortable with him, he’s funny, he’s smart, he’s talkative, he seems to have an active brain that keeps up with my shit. So yeah, he checks all of the “potential close friend” boxes, at least from what I’ve gathered in the handful of hours we’ve spent together.
So I was like, huh, maybe once the pandemic is over I’ll feel out that sitch. Since he works fairly close to my office, it’d be easy to just, idk, BE FRIENDS WHO GRAB A BEER AFTER WORK SOMETIMES? Especially since he’s already friendly with Boss, who is my other After Work Beer Bro, and we could all get together and make stupid jokes and talk about our feelings?!?!? THE DREAM.
But he’s fucking off to the other coast and ugh. How many other people do I even know that could become good friends? NOT THAT FUCKIN’ MANY.
I’m honestly just… not sure what my social life is gonna look like in 2021. I’ve mostly processed the loss of Zelda and Zardoz, but there will absolutely be a void to fill, and I just… I’m tired of starting over.
I feel like this is also how some folks wind up transitioning from serial monogamy to life partners. I don’t think it’s always about finding “the right person,” but partially about no longer having the energy to explain yourself to a new person. Like ugh dude, I’m so tired of repeating the same stories to new people. I wish folks could just beam their life stories into each other’s brains and skip to the bit where they KNOW each other.
I also feel like most folks already have established friend groups and are ALSO tired of repeating their life story, and thus don’t really have the energy to integrate a new person into their shit. Which is totally fair, but ugh, WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE. How do I find people who crave intimate friendships, and have the time/energy to build that intimacy from scratch?
I guess this is a 2021 Jess problem, since it’s even less possible to find friends in a GODDAMN GLOBAL PANDEMIC.
Ah, well. Maybe it’s good I didn’t manage to befriend Rochester, since I do find him super attractive and I have no self-restraint and I’d probably ruin it by getting drunk and bein like “U KEWT LOL” and then every interaction would be awkward for the rest of our lives until he blocks my number and/or leaves the state to avoid me.
NOW ACCEPTING APPLICANTS FOR PEOPLE I REALLY LIKE BUT DON’T FIND ATTRACTIVE.
Wellllllll except I find most people attractive if I like them enough, so it’s something of a catch-22.
NOW ACCEPTING APPLICANTS FOR PEOPLE I REALLY LIKE AND AM ALSO 100% SURE WOULD NEVER SEX WITH ME. That’s usually enough for me to turn off the boner machine.
… although I guess that’s basically the case here, so why did it not turn off this time? Idk. Maybe it’s just quarantine horniness. Kinda like when I was a teenager and wound up with a crush on THE FIRST TEENAGER I ENCOUNTERED WHO WAS NOT RELATED TO ME. I’ve got nowhere to put that energy right now, so even though I know he’s not an option, the switch refused to fucking flip.
I don’t know what overclocked my boner machine recently but I find myself just daydreaming about sex for hours. Like I did when I was a goddamn teenager. It’s really annoying.
Part of this could be that I can’t, yanno, have orgasms anymore. Not without running the risk of being caught. Or like. Without having to lie on a filthy bathroom floor and STILL run the risk of getting caught. I basically have to wait for him to go on his… idk, bi-weekly bike rides?
Except he usually goes while I’m at work, so it depends on whether I’m stuck in meetings while he’s gone. And over half my work day is now meetings.
I know he’s gotta be jerking it, but that probably happens while I’m asleep. He has several hours of protected time, because I don’t come into his room at night. (And I sleep with earplugs, so even if I get up to pee and walk by his door I can’t hear anything.)
Also I get up several hours before he does and I never come into the bedroom while he’s asleep unless I left something in there that I absolutely need, like my work laptop. Which has only happened a couple times. So he mostly has that time too.
I do close the bedroom door when I go to bed, but he might come in at any moment to ALSO go to bed. And he doesn’t knock or anything since he assumes I’m asleep and doesn’t wanna wake me up, so yeah, I just… can’t jerk it. Lol.
I mean I can, and I have. But it’s not particularly fun when I’m constantly nervous about being seen.
I’ll probably spend the entire time in my AirBnB having loud orgasms. That alone may improve my whole-ass outlook on life, tbh.
I forget how much orgasms improve my mood. LOL. Like. It’s not about sex. (Although sex is also A Thing I Really Really Miss, and orgasms don’t fill that void [lol vagina void]). It’s about the friggin’ DOPAMINE RELEASE, man. Before I lived with someone, jerk seshes were a more-or-less daily occurrence–twice a day in certain phases–and now it’s, yanno, a maximum of once a week. And half of those are unsatisfying because I have to get it out of the way quickly and focus most of my energy on being as quiet as possible.
What if I started jerking off every day again and was suddenly happy with my relationship/existence again? Hahahaha. It wouldn’t completely surprise me.
But honestly, the inability to jerk off is a symptom of the real problem. Which is, I’m afraid to ask for anything from him lest it lead to an explosion. Saying “Hey can you maybe fuck off for twenty minutes twice a week and I’ll do the same for you” doesn’t feel like an option. So I just… don’t, and instead live in a constant state of sexual repression because it’s better than having explosive arguments about nothing.
So, no, masturbation won’t fix my relationship. Ha ha. But it might slap a bandage on my surly-ass mood.
Alright, gonna go listen to a podcast about fingernails since it’s pretty much impossible to be aroused by that. (FOR ME. You do you, kiddos.)
Last updated 4 days ago