Okay, so the first and least important thing I’ll mention this morning is that I’ve decided, and I’m going to schedule a haircut. I feel relieved already.
Second, I had another productive therapy session last night. I’ve started talking more and more about my lack of attachment to anybody in my life, including my husband. This all, of course, stems back to my nuclear family. I realized that it’s not just my parents. It’s my siblings, too. I’m realizing that I am unhappy with a lot of the relationship dynamics: between myself and my brother, myself and my sister, and myself and my mother. Ironically, the relationship between myself and my father is the only one I’m truly comfortable with. I guess it’s not that ironic; it is the relationship I’ve given the most attention to.
The real issue, though, is that I’m currently feeling really powerless about it. I know I have a choice. I can change my role in the family system, or I can stay the same. To me, that sounds very lose-lose. I strongly believe that if I change (i.e. I tell them that I’m unhappy with the way things are and ask for something different), I will receive massive pushback. I told my therapist, it took my dad and me ten years to get to a point that was satisfying. I don’t think I want to spend another ten years on other family members. If I were 18 it would be different. I have a kid now. I have a full-time job. I’m already fucking exhausted all the time. The thought of starting another huge endeavor like this truly borders on repulsive.
So what’s the alternative? Stay the same. Stay mildly unhappy with my family dynamics, and continue to feel detached in every other relationship I have. Forever. Ugh.
This situation doesn’t feel ripe for a happy ending. I just don’t know.
In other news, I watched /the social dilemma_ on Netflix, and it really resonated with me. So much of what they were talking about were things I’ve witnessed and experienced firsthand. The main message is that the huge social media platforms (Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, etc.) are using supercomputers to collect enormous amounts of data on their users and then using it to manipulate the entire population, and it’s resulting in very dangerous and widespread outcomes, like increased anxiety and depression, increased suicide, and (most relevant to me) the polarization in politics. The data allows them to use psychology against us for their own financial gain. I can’t tell you how many of my clients tell me “I spend hours on social media every night, and I don’t get enough sleep, and I’m miserable during the day, but I can’t stop.” This exact phenomenon has happened to me too.
SO my husband and I have decided that we’re going to log out of our accounts indefinitely and start using platforms that don’t collect our data. Prosebox is safe, thank god! We also use an app called PhotoCircle to share pictures of our daughter with our close family and friends. Apparently Google is also part of this problem, so I’m thinking of switching over to Qwant. It’s a search engine that “respects your privacy.” If I can successfully purge alcohol and negative social media platforms from my life, I think I’ll feel much happier.
I’ve been trying to decide if I want to post one last status update on Facebook explaining my incentive for leaving. I think I’m going to give it a week and see how I feel then. If any of you watch /the social dilemma_, I’d love to know what you thought.
All right. Time to get to work. Until next time <3
Last updated September 16, 2020