So there’s this webcomic I read, The Jay Series (I will link to it, but be warned: This comic is not safe for work, life, the universe, or anything), and at one point, J. Grant suspended the storyline to draw this strip:
Credit to J. Grant
This still gets me to this day. Not so much that Bush did this, but that Republicans ignored it, because “BILL CLINTON GOT A BLOWJOB FROM AN INTERN WHILE HE WAS IN OFFICE!”
I first heard about it in 1997, and I haven’t stopped hearing about it since.
Hell, last week, my own mother asked me how many times “your candidates” (i.e. Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and Joe Biden) had cheated on their partners. (Apparently she doesn’t think Bernie Sanders or Andrew Yang have ever had sex, let alone have cheated on their respective wives.) To which I answered, and if you think this is inappropriate for anyone to say to their mother, you ought to meet mine first:
“I don’t give a screaming blue orgasmic fuck who Obama, Hillary or Biden have fucked! I just don’t! As long as everyone involved was a consenting adult, other peoples’ fuck histories are none of my business! And by the way, Clinton was elected in 1992 and re-elected in 1996, and I was how old in those years, again? Fucking four years old and fucking eight years old, respectively, so how very fucking dare you insinuate that I voted for him, when I wasn’t even old enough to vote until two thousand fucking six?”
And then she had a sulkfest because I told her that, as far as I can tell, Obama has been faithful to Michelle and Biden has been faithful to Jill. Maybe I’m wrong, but again, even if I am, I don’t care. I care about the job Obama did in office, or the job Biden might do in office, not where they park their dicks. (As for Hillary? You know what, she’s allowed to cheat on Bill, if she wants to. That’s what happens when you break that vow: It’s broken. Neither party is beholden to it, once it’s broken.)
And here’s god’s honest truth: I don’t care about an elected official’s sex life, provided it doesn’t involve pedophilia, child molestation, sexual assault, or rape. Which means that, yes, I care that at least two women have accused Bill Clinton of rape, as well I should. As well we all should. I care that over twenty women have accused the Mango-Hued Shitgibbon of rape, and that one of them was thirteen when it happened, as well we all should. I care that Biden has been accused of inappropriately touching women, as well we all should. Those are illegal acts. Those indicate not just bad character, but a disregard for laws and boundaries; it indicates, in other words, some degree of sociopathy/antisocial personality disorder.
But two adults having consensual sex? I’m sorry, no, I don’t give that any weight at all. Even if one or both are cheating on their spouse. (And, if my mother was really as committed to “honoring marriage vows” as she claims, she never would have married my stepfather, whose longest relationship before he married her, was with a married woman. I don’t mind hypocrisy in people, but fuck, I hate when they try to take the moral high road and have no business doing so.) I certainly believe that if you have taken a vow of exclusion to your spouse, you should honor it, but I also understand why people cheat. Their sex life with their spouse isn’t fulfilling; their spouse is abusive; they’re not feeling any intimacy or connection with their spouse. Hell, maybe they have an open marriage, which is a perfectly valid and viable option. And, probably the single biggest reason people cheat: Human beings are not monogamous creatures by nature. We just aren’t. On average, a person has about seven sex partners in their life; or, if we assume that most people first have sex in their late teens, and that the average lifespan is about 75 years, slightly more than one partner per decade.
And then there’s the whole thing about “Bill Clinton got a blowjob from an intern and LiEd AbOuT IT!” Well, to quote Robin Williams, “He’s married, who wouldn’t?!” And I don’t even think that’s an indicator of what else he might have lied about, which is yet another tired, barely-sticky point my mother likes to bring up. First of all, he probably didn’t think any member of Congress would actually care if he cheated on his wife or not; presidential sexcapades are kind of a long-standing tradition in this country. And second, if you’re going to bring that up against Bill Clinton, reframe it this way: “When he was the most powerful man in the world, he coerced a 22-year-old intern into performing oral sex on him. That indicates bad character at least.” That is a perfectly valid and reasonable argument to make. But never, not once, have I heard anyone who uses the “Bill Clinton got a blowjob from an intern and that’s why he was a bad president” argument look at it like that, including my own mother. Because Monica Lewinsky is a woman, and all women are sluts by nature. “Original sin” and all, doncha know. It can’t be that he’s a serial rapist who already had, by this time, been credibly accused of rape by two women, and it can’t be that she could have been scared of what might have happened to her if she said “no” or tried to fight him off! No, she’s a slut and he’s a cheater. Nice black-and-white morality filter Republicans put over a complicated case of sexual assault. (And not a peep from my mother about the Mango-Hued Shitgibbon’s multiple, and equally credible, accusations of rape including the woman who was 13 at the time. Again, we’re all hypocrites, but the moral high-roading NEEDS to stop.)
I want to make it clear: I believe Paula Jones. I believe Juanita Broaddrick. Bill Clinton is a sexual predator, and on those grounds, he should be behind bars.
But even with that argument, Clinton as a president was fine. When he left office, we had a functional economy, a budget surplus, and we were primed to still be leading the world. (I maintain that Gore lost the election through a combination of Republican skulduggery, bribes, and, because he was Clinton’s VP, guilt by association.) As a person, he’s a piece of shit. Both things can be true at the same time. I can say he was a decent president on matters of economy and policy, and I can believe that he’s a criminal who should be in jail.
Plus, this has always struck me as odd. Right-wing Evangelical Christians are obsessed with sex, and specifically, they’re obsessed with all the sex everyone else is having. Not because they care if it’s criminal (you know that really misogynistic, anti-feminist stereotype harpy yell of “all sex is rape”? Evangelicals believe that rape isn’t a thing, period; it’s just a slut very sluttily regretting that she slutted around), and not because they really believe that sex is sacred. I’ve spent some time thinking about this obsession, and the conclusion I keep coming to is that all Evangelicals are so hyper-obsessed with sex because they aren’t having any. And they aren’t having any, because none of them understand boundaries around sex. I think they’re fascinated by the idea that some people not only don’t believe that sex is dirty, but are confident enough to talk about it, have it, and clearly state what they are and aren’t okay with, but are still too hung up on the “sex is dirty” mindset to ask real questions. (Of course, if they ever asked the real questions, they probably wouldn’t be right-wing Evangelical Christians.)
Anyway. All of this to say: “Republicans. Trumpeters. Mom. I have spent literally two-thirds of my life hearing about Bill Clinton’s blowjob, which is 66% more time than I ever wanted to spend thinking about Bill Clinton’s cock. I consider that sexual assault, and it started when I was nine. SHUT THE ALMIGHTY LIVING FUCK UP ABOUT IT, ALREADY. If I ever start caring about it, I will put a shotgun in my mouth and blow my brains out in front of the admissions office at Liberty University.”
Last updated September 15, 2020