Anxiety, Conflict, and Space Making in Staying Connected

  • Sept. 14, 2020, 2:01 a.m.
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  • Public

Those of you who watched the video in my last entry know that yesterday, while I was working, my husband took my daughter to a family gathering on his father’s side against my wishes. I didn’t tell him not to, but I did tell him that I felt uncomfortable with it. I also requested that he not let people touch her, and he said he did not feel comfortable asking people not to. That whole disagreement ended with him assuring me that he would use his best judgement to keep our daughter safe, and I really had no choice but to accept that. I picked out a cute dress for her to wear and asked my husband to at least take one photo of her, since she never has any reason to get dressed up.

When he returned home, the first thing he did was complain that our condo was hot and stuffy and then open the door to our balcony. I have been keeping it closed because the air quality in California is poor due to fires. He also said, “you’ve been here for hours and you couldn’t clean up?” I just brushed it off and said, “nope.” I asked to see the pictures, and he told me there were none. I thought surely he was joking, and he said no. There really were no pictures, and I became filled to the brim with anger.

I said that he was acting like my feelings don’t even matter.

He said that my feelings are the only thing that ever matters.

I recapped the events.

I said I’m not comfortable with the gathering, he said he was going anyway, and I came to terms with it.

I said I don’t want people to touch our daughter, he said he had no plans to keep people from touching her, and I came to terms with it.

I said take one fucking picture (which he agreed he would), and he did not.

So HOW, I asked him to remind me, are my feelings the only thing that matters??

He changed his tune—his whole demeanor, mood, and tone of voice—and said he was sorry. I believed that he meant it, so I’ve just decided to put this bullshit behind us and move on. Ugh.

Today was a bit better. I’ve been struggling a lot with anxiety lately, and I don’t really know why, but I’ve been practicing honoring it and moving through it to the best of my ability. My husband woke up with the baby at 6:30am this morning, and I got to stay in bed until nearly 9am. So that was nice. Once I was up, of course, the baby was pretty much my responsibility for the bulk of the day. I did get to take a shower (which is something that is usually reserved for either after we drop the baby off at childcare or after the baby goes to sleep), so that was nice. My husband also gave the baby a bath (while I cleaned the living room). While that wasn’t exactly a break, it was a break from my daughter. So there’s that.

I was happy that we were able to check some things off our list. For example, after we got home from our family trip to the grocery store, my husband went online and filled out a form in order to get our daughter baptized. He also put new batteries in the smoke detector. They were two things that don’t take much time or energy, but it’s little shit like that which adds up—so I was grateful.

I was also able to get the ball rolling on the next big “shuffle.” Because our space is so small, a lot of thinking and planning has to go into adding a new piece of furniture, no matter how small. I’d known I wanted to get a little toddler desk for my daughter to use for art projects, and the one I wanted on Amazon was $100. My father-in-law really likes woodworking, so I asked him if he could recreate the desk from Amazon and he did, like, the same day I asked. Now it’s just a matter of creating a space for it. SO we collected a bunch of crap that we want to either donate to Goodwill or sell.

So far the pile of things we are going to donate includes three pillows, one blanket, a couch cover, two plastic trash cans, a printer, a speaker, an extension cord, an oil diffuser, and a bag full of clothes.

Things we plan to sell include a wooden shoe storage bench, a safe, a briefcase with combination lock, a large canvas wall art, and a bunch of brand name jeans I’ll never fit into again that are worth hundreds of dollars (it’s only taken me 20 months to let go…).

Once we get all of that shit out, we will have room for the toddler desk. I plan to drop off the donated stuff tomorrow.

It’s currently about 11pm, and I should probably go to bed. My daughter has been waking up at 6:30am consistently for about a week (why, god?), and tomorrow it’ll be my turn to wake up with her.

Until next time <3


Last updated September 14, 2020


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