Deep Seated Dysfunction in Staying Connected

  • Sept. 4, 2020, 11:03 a.m.
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  • Public

I stayed up about an hour past my bedtime last night, and then my daughter woke up thirty minutes before my alarm was supposed to go off. So I’m a little tired this morning.

This week my app thinks I’ll likely be ovulating. I’ve pretty much lost confidence in myself to know when I’m ovulating. Yesterday I was having some kind of pain in my right lower abdomen, but the pain seemed a little higher than where I think my ovary is. Not to mention, I’m a little neurotic. So yeah. I don’t trust myself at all anymore. My husband and I had sex nonetheless, and we will tomorrow, and we will on Monday.

I mentioned that for me, Ian is not a sexual fantasy, but an emotional one. I’m realizing now that the boyfriend I had after Ian is my sexual fantasy. Ironic, since one of the things that killed our relationship in the end was his refusal to sleep with me. I wonder if he sensed how I used him in this way.

This morning I found myself wondering if it’s “wrong” to imagine an ex when sleeping with one’s husband. I concluded that it’s not. I am not going to tell him, of course. But I think all that matters at the end of the day is that he is the person I’m sleeping with. He’s the person I’m making babies with. He’s the person I’m building a life with. And I do love him. So if I want to imagine an ex in order to enjoy myself, I think that’s acceptable. Who knows? Maybe it’s even more than acceptable. Maybe it will improve our sex life with each other.

Another thing worth noting is that I’m trying to stick by my word that I’m only going to drink on occasions in which I have others to drink with. I keep thinking in my head, “Never drink to feel better. Only drink to feel even better.” I forgot where I heard it.

I’ve been debating whether or not I want to permit myself a drink once a week, either on Friday or Saturday night. Honestly, right now I’m leaning toward no, primarily because of what an issue alcohol has been causing for me. I have been craving it every fucking night. After my daughter goes to bed, I spend the next two to three hours (however long I’m awake) feeling slightly agitated about it. It’s not the intensity of the agitation that’s the problem. It’s the duration of it, and the frequency. I can’t believe I have been going through it every night. I’ve also been having BIG sugar cravings. Like every night I cry to my husband about wanting ice cream or cinnamon rolls or chocolate cake or pie. I read online that sugar craving can be a result of “quitting alcohol” that can last months. Fuck me.

Oh, and the last thing I’ll mention this morning before jumping in the shower is that I got all excited about the thought of sending my daughter to Montessori school, but the more I thought about it the more I doubted it as a possibility.

Because of the pandemic, they don’t allow parents in the building. I don’t know what it actually looks like, but it sounds like you have to hand your children off at the front door. My daughter doesn’t even like it when I go to the bathroom without her, so unless something changes I think this would literally be traumatizing for her. I worked at a “toddler school” when I was 19, and I remember one of the little ones crying the whole day. I also remember that we played it down to the parents. We shared that she had a difficult time adjusting, but we didn’t tell them about the hours of screaming. I just will not let that happen to my daughter.

So I don’t know what we’re going to do. I might just have to come up with a really thoughtful Christmas/birthday list and create more of a structure for us at home to keep up with her growing mind. Her grandma has also made arrangements with her great aunt so that she can play with a couple of her cousins (first cousins once removed) who are about the same age as her. That way she can develop some social skills.

I had told my therapist that I wanted to schedule my sessions one month apart, but after my session on Tuesday she asked if I wanted to schedule something a little sooner. “There’s a lot going on right now,” she explained. I was like, yeah. Let’s schedule something two weeks out. While talking to her I began to suspect that my current level of stability and functioning really is built on some deeper-seated dysfunction. The only reason I can maintain it is because of a very intricate system I’ve created for myself. I think the majority of high functioning adults my age don’t depend nearly as much on the—sleep, diet, alone time, journaling—balance as I do. I’m not sure what I think about that.

Anyway. I better hurry up! Until next time <3

Last updated September 04, 2020

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