Well, there have been some positive developments since my last entry, thank god.
Yesterday my husband suggested we all go to the grocery store together. This is what we always used to do, before the coronavirus. Ever since everything changed, I’ve just been going alone. My husband pointed out that going as a family is something he really missed. We decided it would be worth it to resume this tradition. So that’s how the day started.
After that we did a lot of lying around. My big goals for the day were to finish the dishes that had been piling up all week and to take a nice, long shower. To my dismay, our hot water had been turned off all day. I told my husband that I needed him to resolve this. He waited for hours and told me that he called the only number he knew to call, but nobody answered. He thought it was because it was the weekend and said that we just had to wait for today. I was like, dude, no. That’s unacceptable. But I didn’t have the energy to fight him on it. So instead, I just silently pouted.
By the time evening rolled around, I was really burned out on just sitting around, killing time. So, I suggested we do a quick Target run. I had already ordered most of our Halloween costumes on Amazon, but there was just one more thing I needed to complete the ensemble. (We’re going as Monsters Inc. I’m going to be Sully, my husband is going to be Mike, and my daughter is, of course, going to be Boo.) My husband agreed to go, and it totally made my day. It felt so good to just do a spontaneous trip to Target—the sort of thing we used to do before having a kid all the time.
Right before we left, my husband had finally gotten a hold of someone to fix the hot water, and when we returned home we had hot water again! The rest of the evening went smoothly. We gave our daughter a bath, had dinner, and after we put our daughter to bed we actually watched a movie together, another thing we don’t do often! I was feeling really connected to my husband and then he initiated sex. I said I was dirty, and I was tired, and basically said no several times, but my husband persisted and it flattered me into surrendering. We had dirty, stinky sex, and it filled me with joy.
I had taken an anti-histamine to help relieve the itchiness on my legs, and that, the sex, and the sleeping naked (which I don’t normally do), and I slept hard. And our family slept long. We didn’t get up until 9am, and today, for the first time in a long time, I can see the light again. I feel hopeful that I can finally catch up mentally, emotionally, and logistically. I finally finished cleaning the kitchen, I’m keeping up with laundry, and I’ve got my sites set on cleaning the bathrooms after my daughter’s nap today.
Tonight I’m having a video date with a friend from work, and next weekend I might be seeing my old friend, Jodee, for brunch. And I’m not even mad about it. So that’s a good sign!
Lastly, I wanted to clarify something in my last entry. I mentioned how Ian was having trouble forgiving himself and how he thought giving me money (at least, that’s my suspicion) would somehow relieve him of the guilt and shame he feels. The thing I didn’t mention was how this is a classic narcissist move, which makes it different than it would be if it were anybody else trying to offer me money. He’s trying to interact with me in a way that suggests he’s somehow in a superior position—able to offer me money. This, too, feeds his ego. While I do believe that to be true, I believe it coincides with shame. It’s that way for all narcissists. The need to constantly seek ego boosts like that is related to shame. Most people have a very difficult time empathizing with narcissists, but for some reason—probably from my upbringing—I have always empathized. Often at the expense of my own mental health. But I think this is also why I love educating myself and working with people who have personality disorders. This way, I can both empathize and protect myself from all of the traps that are set. Accepting money from a narcissist is a trap, and by not accepting it—I win.
Anyway. My daughter is napping and I still desperately need a shower.
Until next time <3