Help me, for the love of god, help me!
What’s something boring that you enjoy?
Reading. Drinking a hot cup of coffee. Baking. Cooking.
What’s your positive addiction?
Whats something the younger generations wont get to experience that you did?
Commercial breaks, and not being able to just stream the show later. Oh, no. See, younglings, there was a time when you had to actually know when your show would be on, and if you got up during the commercial break, you had to trust that your sibling(s) would actually yell “IT’S ON!” in time for you not to miss any of the show. If they didn’t and you heard the show, you had to complete the Kitchen/Bathroom to Living Room Olympics (Slamming The Door Open, The Couch Vault
What has simultaneously gotten worse and more expensive?
Clothing. It really bothers me that places like Forever 21 can sell such poorly-made clothes at such a ridiculous mark-up. It’s also why I don’t want to buy from ModCloth anymore, now I know they’re owned by Walmart. (And yet, I continue to buy jeans from Walmart, because they’re cheap and actually fit my thunder thighs and jiggly ass.)
What is the most significant lesson that you have had to learn the hard way?
Some friendships aren’t worth saving, and whatever “cool” you get from that person by proxy isn’t worth the drama and bullshit they’ll put you through.
Starting tomorrow, you are 19 again and have a full year where you can go anywhere and do anything. What do you do, and why?
New York City, just because I want to see if I can make it as a writer/actor there, like I wanted to at that age.
What is considered offensive or trashy if you are poor but acceptable if you are wealthy?
Doing drugs and hiring prostitutes, apparently.
What is the best birth date to have?
I mean, it’s entirely a matter of opinion, but I feel like spring and summer months are the best. I’ve decided that, to the best I possibly can, if I have kids, I’m going to try and have them in the first half of the year. It doesn’t matter so much now, but having a November birthday when all of my friends were born in spring and summer felt like the worst possible game of catch-up from ages 15 to 21. Really, I think the only reason I ever liked my birthday was that it was the only one, besides my grandfather’s (December 28), that wasn’t in summer, so I got more attention and it felt more like an actual, “hooray, you’re this new age!” instead of, “wait, wasn’t your birthday last week?” Which is the case for everyone else in my family.
What do you wear when sleeping?
A tee shirt and yoga pants.
How come most Americans prefer white meat chicken over dark meat chicken?
Because most Americans are senseless, taste bud-lacking boobs, that’s why.
In seriousness, I think it’s because dark meat is more fatty, and therefore more moist, than white meat, and people are used to having dry, overcooked chicken breasts, in the name of “food safety.”
How do you know you have finally “grown up”?
Me, personally? I got way too excited over buying a new vacuum cleaner.
What is the greatest G-rated insult you’ve ever heard?
“You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.” John Mulaney’s father, finding out that John had cast his vote for Bill Clinton in his high school’s mock election.
If you were offered $1,000,000,000,000 but it meant you would be mildly inconvenienced by always being stuck behind someone driving slightly under the speed limit, would you take it? Why or why not?
For one billion dollars? You bet I would!
What tip or piece of advice do you constantly see that you strongly disagree with?
“Save twenty percent of your income!” or “Your rent should only be about a third of your income!” It’s not possible anymore! It’s probably never been possible, unless you make over $60,000 a year and have no student loans, credit cards, or a mortgage or car loan. I’m lucky if I can save $100 a month, out of a combined income of about $2000. Basically, any Boomer “tips” about how Millennials and Gen Z should manage their money should be allowed to drift into one ear and straight out the other. Millennials and Gen Z are great at managing money, especially when you consider that we have no money to manage.
You can choose to remove a number of years off your lifespan. For each removed year you get $100,000. How many years will you remove and what would you do with the money?
Hm… Three years. And with that money, I pay off all of my debt (student loans, $98k; credit cards, $5k; car loan, $6k). This leaves me with about $109,000 left over; $50,000 of which goes into a high-yield savings account, and the other $59,000 I put in my checking account.
You got 99 problems but what isn’t one of them?
I hate saying this, but health care costs. DCS offers amazing health insurance, and I have an HSA that is robust and thriving. (Oh, and I never did go through with the laser hair removal; on balance, it just seemed like a totally unnecessary expense, so I pulled my financing application. No harm, no foul.)
If money wasn’t a big factor what job would you being doing now instead?
Right now? I wouldn’t be doing any job. I’d try to actually make some progress on my stories, or in my screenplay.
What premium product will you always swear by, even when there are cheaper alternatives?
Perfumes. Not only do the knock-off scents cost more in the long run, but their ingredient lists can be horrifying, and they’re usually made in sweatshops. Plus, the real thing lasts much longer with proper storage (which is, basically, out of direct light and extreme heat). The 1.7oz bottle of Chanel No. 5 L’eau that my mother got me for Christmas in 2017 is still about 85% full, even though I use it almost every day, because literally, all I need is one spritz in the morning, and it lasts all day. The bottles of YSL Black Opium and Dior Poison I just bought are 1 fluid ounce each, and I guarantee I’ll still be using them in another five years.
What do you collect?
Books, really. I’ve got hundreds, both in physical and ebook formats, and I have a mental to-read list miles long.
What would your 13 year old self think of you now?
I think she’d be surprised that I’m still alive, more than anything else.
What legal thing are you addicted to?
What product is an absoulte snake oil but no one realizes it?
Those pills you can get at the store that “guarantee” you can drink as much as you want and not be hungover the next morning. There’s an easier way to do it: Chase all of the drinks you have with water. And just accept that, if you drink too much, you’re going to be hungover anyway, so maybe chill on the drinks? Or, you know, don’t; I’m not your mother.
Every time someone lies to you, $100 gets deposited to your bank account. What is the fastest way for you to get rich?
Go to a Trump rally. Between the idiot MAGAs and The Douchelord himself, I’d be a billionaire in about ten minutes. Dolla dolla bills, y’all!
What is something that you want to erase from existence?
Bedbugs. They serve no function on this planet, except (a) feeding cockroaches and centipedes, and (b) driving people insane.
It was a dark and stormy night. Then what happened?
I got an amazing night’s sleep. What can I say, storms are my ZZZQuil.