Without saying their name, who is the head of state of your country?
What are some big trends right now that will be forgotten in 5 years?
Faux-leather jumpsuits and rompers. Who the fuck thought those were good ideas?! Have they ever worn faux leather?!
If Karen was a supervillain, what would her origin story be?
“I don’t wanna hurt anybody. I don’t enjoy hurting anybody. But sometimes people just won’t listen. And so, I have to use persuasion. And slides. My parents, Sharon and Dave. Generous, doting, or were they? All I ever wanted was a Ballerina Barbie. In her pretty pink tutu. My birthday. I was 10, and do you know what they got me? MAL-I-BU. Bar-bie. That’s not what I wanted! That’s not who I was. I was a ballerina, graceful, delicate! They had to go.”
(Those of you who know what that’s from, you are awesome.)
Society has the memory of a goldfish, what are things that nobody seems to be outraged about anymore despite it still being a problem?
Breonna Taylor’s murderers still walking around free. Boko Haram. The border camps. The plight of the Rohingya. Child soldiers. Sexual violence in Hollywood. The poaching of seriously endangered animals.
You become the leader of your current country, what is your first action?
Fire every single person Lord Dampnut put in charge of things, no pension, no benefits, nothing. And I do mean every single one.
You’re able to make an item completely free in the world. What do you pick?
Health care, and all that entails.
What do you have that billionaires don’t?
A functioning moral compass, apparently.
The USA is too large for its own good. How many countries would you break the 50 states into?
I like Colin Woodard’s idea of the 11 North American “Nations,” and I think that’d be the best way to do it.
Outside of sex offenders, what other crimes should have a criminal registry?
Domestic violence, child abuse, and animal abuse.
How do you get rid of racism?
Shit, son; if I knew, I’d be telling every-fucking-body.
If 2020 was a movie, what would the title be?
But Wait, It Gets Worse.
What could the USA have spent $1,900,000,000,000 on instead of invading Iraq?
INFRASTRUCTURE. MEDICAID FOR ALL. FREE COLLEGE.
Women of Reddit, what is the hardest thing to explain to a man?
I mean, it depends on the man in question. If he’s willing to listen, you can explain anything to him; if he’s not, then you can’t explain anything. Overall, I’d say periods are the hardest thing to explain to most men, because there’s absolutely nothing in men’s experience that’s comparable.
What gender double standard really annoys you?
The more sexual partners a man has, the better, but if a woman has more than, like, one partner, ever, she’s a slut.
What is something that most people don’t realize is anti-poor?
Lease buy-outs if you decide to move apartments before your lease is up. Overdraft fees. Redlining. Gerrymandering. Laws against sending kids who live in bad school districts to better ones. The “do you have reliable transportation” (read: a car) question on job applications. Work requirements for welfare. Food deserts, and fast food restaurants setting up store in them. Most requirements for jobs (needing a degree plus five to ten years of experience, wanting unpaid internships, forcing people to disclose irrelevant criminal history, etc). Honestly, capitalism in general.
Redditors, how did this pandemic change your life?
I got to work from home, which has been thoroughly enjoyable. If I’m just waiting for work to come to me, I can (a) play a video game for a bit, (b) read a book, (c) start dinner, (d) take a nap, or (e) watch some LinkedIn Learning videos. Definitely a huge improvement over sitting in my spinny-wheely chair all day with nothing to do, except listen to Revisionist History on repeat and hope that Malcolm Gladwell doesn’t talk me into an orgasm again. (Not because I regret it, mind you, but because coming at work is a ~little~ unprofessional.)
How come a lot of Americans don’t like the idea of universal healthcare?
Basically, Americans believe that health and wellness is entirely within a person’s realm of control. You know, “food is medicine,” “you don’t need anti-depressants when you have nature!”, that line of thinking. Also, in this country, we are completely under the spell of “rugged individualism” and “pull yourself up by your bootstraps,” while in complete denial of the fact that no one ever makes it completely on their own and not everyone is meant to do exceptional things. Throw in a heavy dash of, “I don’t want my tax dollars to care for someone who doesn’t ‘deserve’ it,” and you have the orobouros of Uniquely American Opposition to Single-Payer Health Care.
God allows you to make the next catastrophe of 2020. What’s up next?
Category 5 hurricane makes landfall, but only strikes the RNC. There are no survivors. Tragic.
If you could go back and tell yourself ONE thing before entering 2020, what would it be?
Do NOT get a Wii. Get a Switch. Nintendo still supports them.
After hearing so many people say “if you don’t like it here get out” about living in the US, what problems would arise if half of the country emigrated?
Well, if it’s this election, I could see a massive shortage in the low-wage service sector. Assuming that Lord Dampnut does get to play “Stalin Without a Fraction of the Charisma or Leadership Ability¹” for another four years, I see a lot of low-wage service workers actually packing up and leaving (probably illegally, again, if Dampnut has his way; and probably to Canada), and I also see Dipshit closing the border with Mexico, meaning that any job you’ve never seen a white American do (i.e. janitorial work, dishwasher, farm worker, etc) will go unfilled. No low-wage service workers, no service. No service, no service industry. No service industry, which employs something like 65% of all Americans, no economy. And, worst of all, if there’s no service sector, there are no managers for the Karens to complain to. “The horror. The horror.”
What is most dangerous addiction in the world in your opinion?
Alcohol. Which is only partly my opinion; according to the World Health Org, excessive use of alcohol is responsible for 3 million deaths each year, 13.5 of all deaths in the 20-39 age group, and a horrifying number of crimes, including rape and domestic violence. And it’s beyond disturbing how many people don’t think alcohol is dangerous. I hate to be That Person, but rapes and sexual assaults on campus are almost universally caused by, or at least involve, alcohol consumption. Just… Why can’t we accept that alcohol is dangerous and treat it as such? I’m not asking for a ban on alcohol, just better education about it.
If 2021 was inverse of 2020, what are some of the amazing things that will come to pass?
Electric cars will be cheap enough for the average consumer, and more cities will move towards effective, mass public transit. The student loan industry will be shut down and all student loans forgiven. Medicaid for All will become a reality. Universal Basic Income will become a reality. The stigma on mental illness will go away, and going to therapy will be treated like going to the dentist for a cleaning. Internet will be reclassified as a utility, and Comcast will be forced to break up. Disney will be hit with an antitrust lawsuit and forced to sell off all the production companies it’s bought up. Gwyneth Paltrow will be forced to shut down GOOP, on pain of the biggest fine in the FDA’s history. And, of course, the Nintendo Switch will finally be made in large enough quantities that I won’t have to decide between my rent or it.
What do you think is the worst crime?
It’s a tie between child abuse (especially child molestation/rape) and animal cruelty. Basically, whenever you harm something completely innocent. Which is not to say that I believe adult victims of crimes “deserved it” (ick), because no one “deserves” (ick) to be the victim of a crime. I’m saying that, as adults, most of us are trusted to not harm kids, especially by the kids themselves. The moment we abuse that trust is the moment their innocence dies. And kids can be little flaming dickholes, believe the former substitute teacher, but nothing justifies the abuse I’ve heard of in my subsequent time at DCS. And don’t even get me started on how much I hate animal abusers. Basically, animals are not capable of intentionally harming us (even the ones that can, like venomous snakes, would rather avoid us), but there are those among us who will do the sickest, most awful and twisted things to an animal, just because they can. I won’t even go into the examples I have, because they’re too much. Basically, humans suck.
You have the choice of absolute peace on earth, but the internet will disappear forever, what do you do?
On balance? Get rid of the Internet. It won’t be gone forever, that’s just not possible. We have the technology to bring it back, but maybe, just maybe, this time around, we’ll also have laws and established netiquette that will make it less of “the worst type of libertarian free-for-all” and more “an effective medium of thought and social change.”
What is socially acceptable now that won’t be in the next few decades?
Cancel culture. I guarantee it.
¹Stalin was a straight-up monster, I will never deny that. But,
he did pull Russia out of a technological dark age and basically forced the entire country to join the modern world, and, as monstrous as he was, he did do quite a bit for the Soviet Union. As much as I disagree with it, I can see why a lot of modern-day Russians would call him their country’s greatest leader.
Last updated August 26, 2020