I’ve written a bunch of entries and then not posted them and the last few started with “i’ve written a bunch of entries and then not posted them” because I’m very smart and good and living my best life.
What’s happening lately?
Stuff with LP is the same–conflict-free, feelings-free, easy enough to coast through until there’s some catalyst for change.
I guess I’ve reached the point where I no longer think “maybe this is just what contentment in a relationship feels like and you’re just addicted to the cycle of infatuation and neglect.”
Like. There is definitely something fuckity-fucked up about my relationship patterns, and it’s not NOT worth examining that cycle, but just because I’m not currently in that cycle doesn’t mean my relationship is good by default. “it doesn’t make me feel waves of obsession and disappointment” is not the only standard by which I should evaluate my happiness.
But I just… can’t, y’all. I CAN’T BLOW SHIT UP RIGHT NOW FOR NO REASON. I can’t open a relationship conversation that completely blindsides him, and then live with the consequences for another several months to a year??
Maybe if I had any strong reason to believe I could make shit work again, it’d be worth it to break the safety glass. But… I’m not really feeling that way anymore.
Had a long conversation with Zardoz about it. Not the first. He asks about it every time we hang, and I feel embarrassed that I keep giving him the same story.
This time, I mentioned a PB comment about LP’s dating profile that I’ve been thinking about (SUP RAE). Although the story wasn’t exactly what she remembered, it got me thinking about some stuff that happened early on in our relationship.
He was not, as far as I can tell, intentionally lying about his age when we met. His dating profile was hooked up to a Facebook account he (drunkenly) created specifically so he could use the app without connecting it to his real account. He accidentally put in the wrong age on FB and the app won’t let you change it independently. Then, cos he was drunk when he set up that
I GOT INTERRUPTED AND NOW IT’S TOMORROW MORNING.
He was drunk when he set up that FB, so he couldn’t remember the PW and was too lazy to fix it so he just remained 26 on his dating profile when he was in fact 38 in reality.
So. Heeeeeeeeere’s the deal. I believe this story for the most part. I actually believe it MORE now that I’ve seen him lie and he is truly atrocious at it–although I suppose I didn’t know him well yet, and it’s possible I couldn’t recognize the signs of a lie.
I should also point out that he didn’t TELL me his age was wrong. I asked, after I asked a bunch of folks if he looked 26 in his pictures. One of my coworkers openly laughed when I showed them. He looks young but 26 was HELLA pushing it. So I asked before our first date, and he admitted his real age.
I do suspect, however, that he knew he was more likely to be successful at 26 than 38 and didn’t put in the effort to change it because he knew 20-somethings were more his speed. And he looks much younger than he is, so he can get away with it. We did have a conversation a few months later that I tend to date folks a few years older than me, and he IS older than me but… doesn’t seem like it? And he talked about how he tried to date someone his age ONCE and it just didn’t work because they had nothing in common. I believe he said that the things people in their late 30s early 40s are interested in are boring to him.
For me, this… wasn’t a red flag at all? And not because I also find “adult things” boring, or whatever, but because I find MOST PEOPLE BORING IF I’M BEING COMPLETELY GODDAMN HONEST and part of that, IMO, is the fact that society tries to force us to care about a very boring subset of things. Like houses and yards and career ladders and OPTICCCCCSSSSSS.
Fuck optics. And fuck careers for the sake of having careers, and fuck houses for the sake of having houses and OH MY GOD FUCK YARDS FOR ANYTHING, THROW ALL THE YARDS IN THE GARBAGE OR AT LEAST THROW THE GRASS IN THE GARBAGE AND REPLACE IT WITH VALUABLE PLANTS HOLY SHIT YARDS ARE THE WORST THING AND I USED TO THINK THEY WERE AT LEAST PRETTY TO LOOK AT BUT NOW I FIND THEM GENUINELY HAUNTING BECAUSE CONTEXT IS KEY.
… I lost the plot a bit lol lol lol. I never write in the mornings! Usually at this time I’m pacing and drinking coffee and whispering to myself like a goddamn Lynchian nightmare of a human. I’m Dale Cooper without the tape recorder and let me tell you it does not need to be witnessed by anyone.
Aaaaanyway, to ME, the idea of someone rejecting the traditional interests of an “”“”“adult”“”“” was appealing, because it implies they’re interested in more meaningful personal growth than building a standardized life that looks good from the outside.
But, yanno, 5 years later, it’s become apparent that he’s not really… into growth?
He’s absolutely learning to code right now, and that’s great! He has fully committed himself to it. It seems like he’s working on this shit like 10 hours a day and not slowing down at all. He’s giving himself scheduled times to chill/celebrate when he finishes something, but then he goes right back to it and IT’S ALL SO VERY THOUGHT-OUT AND WELL-EXECUTED.
But… he wants to learn to code so he can make the moneyz and go back to doing whatever he wants in his free time and I think that’s cool enough, but I just… I don’t know. He doesn’t really seem to care about the skill, or have any idea what he wants to DO with it other than get a job that uses it. He doesn’t really care very strongly about… anything and I’m realizing the reason he most likely gets along with 20-somethings is because they’re more likely to be living moment-to-moment, doing things that press the happy button.
His shit is far less destructive than the happy-button-pressing of my 20s. It’s all mostly-functional behavior. And he seems genuinely fine with it, and who the fuck am I to judge him for not having a daily existential crisis? Who the fuck am I for being annoyed that he didn’t reach a point where he hates the world and hates himself for being a part of it and obsesses over social structures and philosophies and the perceived value of human life and the Fermi paradox and the VIOLENT STUPIDITY OF YARDS?
That’s not “growth” either, you fucking idiot. That’s just you becoming even more neurotic and hopeless as you drunkenly crawl towards death.
Anyway. I guess the point is, I’ve changed a lot in 5 years. And no matter what relationship you’re in, there’s a strong chance y’all are gonna change and grow apart. That’s just life, YO.
But if you pick someone who’s growing, there is at least a CHANCE you’ll grow in ways that are compatible. Maybe your relationship won’t be the same, maybe you’ll serve a different purpose in each other’s lives, but it’s POSSIBLE that life will change you in a way that you can still paddle down the same river in different boats.
But if you pick someone who, as far as I can tell, isn’t really interested in change? At least not INTERNAL change, even as their day-to-day life evolves? Then there’s absolutely NO chance you’re gonna grow together.
I’ve moved somewhere else and he’s still in the place that makes him happy and there is nothing wrong with that, it’s just… not gonna do it for me, yo.
And there HAVE to be people his age who are feeling the same way. But yeah, I’d say it’s more… common… in the mid-20s. But now we’re getting to the point where it’s borderline creepy for him to date those folks–not to mention, if he keeps grabbing younger people the’re a strong chance they’ll keep growing away from him–so my biggest hope is that he finds some kinship amongst other people of his generation who are content to simply exist in the world as it is.
Maybe he’s a buddhist who never studied it hahahaha.
He used to do tai chi. Maybe that’s his whole thing? MAYBE HE’S ENLIGHTENED AF AND I’M HERE LIKE “I’VE OUTGROWN YOU” LOL.
Anyway, my convo with Zardoz helped me contextualize some of this stuff, but I still don’t know what to do about it. The lack of catalyst makes it tough to motivate myself to do anything. We don’t fight, we’re compatible roommates, I’ve learned to suppress my irritation and boredom and it hardly affects me (or I’ve forgotten what it’s like to feel anything else?).
And now I’m on an important call so OFF I POP, GOODBYE FOREVER.