seriously tho what even is yards in HOW MANY PUBLIC BOOKS WILL I MAKE AND THEN EVENTUALLY PRIVATIZE

  • Aug. 21, 2020, 12:05 p.m.
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OH HI.

I’ve written a bunch of entries and then not posted them and the last few started with “i’ve written a bunch of entries and then not posted them” because I’m very smart and good and living my best life.

What’s happening lately?

Oh, nothing.

LITERALLY NOTHING.

Stuff with LP is the same–conflict-free, feelings-free, easy enough to coast through until there’s some catalyst for change.

I guess I’ve reached the point where I no longer think “maybe this is just what contentment in a relationship feels like and you’re just addicted to the cycle of infatuation and neglect.”

Like. There is definitely something fuckity-fucked up about my relationship patterns, and it’s not NOT worth examining that cycle, but just because I’m not currently in that cycle doesn’t mean my relationship is good by default. “it doesn’t make me feel waves of obsession and disappointment” is not the only standard by which I should evaluate my happiness.

But I just… can’t, y’all. I CAN’T BLOW SHIT UP RIGHT NOW FOR NO REASON. I can’t open a relationship conversation that completely blindsides him, and then live with the consequences for another several months to a year??

Maybe if I had any strong reason to believe I could make shit work again, it’d be worth it to break the safety glass. But… I’m not really feeling that way anymore.

Had a long conversation with Zardoz about it. Not the first. He asks about it every time we hang, and I feel embarrassed that I keep giving him the same story.

This time, I mentioned a PB comment about LP’s dating profile that I’ve been thinking about (SUP RAE). Although the story wasn’t exactly what she remembered, it got me thinking about some stuff that happened early on in our relationship.

He was not, as far as I can tell, intentionally lying about his age when we met. His dating profile was hooked up to a Facebook account he (drunkenly) created specifically so he could use the app without connecting it to his real account. He accidentally put in the wrong age on FB and the app won’t let you change it independently. Then, cos he was drunk when he set up that


I GOT INTERRUPTED AND NOW IT’S TOMORROW MORNING.

He was drunk when he set up that FB, so he couldn’t remember the PW and was too lazy to fix it so he just remained 26 on his dating profile when he was in fact 38 in reality.

So. Heeeeeeeeere’s the deal. I believe this story for the most part. I actually believe it MORE now that I’ve seen him lie and he is truly atrocious at it–although I suppose I didn’t know him well yet, and it’s possible I couldn’t recognize the signs of a lie.

I should also point out that he didn’t TELL me his age was wrong. I asked, after I asked a bunch of folks if he looked 26 in his pictures. One of my coworkers openly laughed when I showed them. He looks young but 26 was HELLA pushing it. So I asked before our first date, and he admitted his real age.

I do suspect, however, that he knew he was more likely to be successful at 26 than 38 and didn’t put in the effort to change it because he knew 20-somethings were more his speed. And he looks much younger than he is, so he can get away with it. We did have a conversation a few months later that I tend to date folks a few years older than me, and he IS older than me but… doesn’t seem like it? And he talked about how he tried to date someone his age ONCE and it just didn’t work because they had nothing in common. I believe he said that the things people in their late 30s early 40s are interested in are boring to him.

For me, this… wasn’t a red flag at all? And not because I also find “adult things” boring, or whatever, but because I find MOST PEOPLE BORING IF I’M BEING COMPLETELY GODDAMN HONEST and part of that, IMO, is the fact that society tries to force us to care about a very boring subset of things. Like houses and yards and career ladders and OPTICCCCCSSSSSS.

Fuck optics. And fuck careers for the sake of having careers, and fuck houses for the sake of having houses and OH MY GOD FUCK YARDS FOR ANYTHING, THROW ALL THE YARDS IN THE GARBAGE OR AT LEAST THROW THE GRASS IN THE GARBAGE AND REPLACE IT WITH VALUABLE PLANTS HOLY SHIT YARDS ARE THE WORST THING AND I USED TO THINK THEY WERE AT LEAST PRETTY TO LOOK AT BUT NOW I FIND THEM GENUINELY HAUNTING BECAUSE CONTEXT IS KEY.

… I lost the plot a bit lol lol lol. I never write in the mornings! Usually at this time I’m pacing and drinking coffee and whispering to myself like a goddamn Lynchian nightmare of a human. I’m Dale Cooper without the tape recorder and let me tell you it does not need to be witnessed by anyone.

Aaaaanyway, to ME, the idea of someone rejecting the traditional interests of an “”“”“adult”“”“” was appealing, because it implies they’re interested in more meaningful personal growth than building a standardized life that looks good from the outside.

But, yanno, 5 years later, it’s become apparent that he’s not really… into growth?

He’s absolutely learning to code right now, and that’s great! He has fully committed himself to it. It seems like he’s working on this shit like 10 hours a day and not slowing down at all. He’s giving himself scheduled times to chill/celebrate when he finishes something, but then he goes right back to it and IT’S ALL SO VERY THOUGHT-OUT AND WELL-EXECUTED.

But… he wants to learn to code so he can make the moneyz and go back to doing whatever he wants in his free time and I think that’s cool enough, but I just… I don’t know. He doesn’t really seem to care about the skill, or have any idea what he wants to DO with it other than get a job that uses it. He doesn’t really care very strongly about… anything and I’m realizing the reason he most likely gets along with 20-somethings is because they’re more likely to be living moment-to-moment, doing things that press the happy button.

His shit is far less destructive than the happy-button-pressing of my 20s. It’s all mostly-functional behavior. And he seems genuinely fine with it, and who the fuck am I to judge him for not having a daily existential crisis? Who the fuck am I for being annoyed that he didn’t reach a point where he hates the world and hates himself for being a part of it and obsesses over social structures and philosophies and the perceived value of human life and the Fermi paradox and the VIOLENT STUPIDITY OF YARDS?

That’s not “growth” either, you fucking idiot. That’s just you becoming even more neurotic and hopeless as you drunkenly crawl towards death.

Anyway. I guess the point is, I’ve changed a lot in 5 years. And no matter what relationship you’re in, there’s a strong chance y’all are gonna change and grow apart. That’s just life, YO.

But if you pick someone who’s growing, there is at least a CHANCE you’ll grow in ways that are compatible. Maybe your relationship won’t be the same, maybe you’ll serve a different purpose in each other’s lives, but it’s POSSIBLE that life will change you in a way that you can still paddle down the same river in different boats.

But if you pick someone who, as far as I can tell, isn’t really interested in change? At least not INTERNAL change, even as their day-to-day life evolves? Then there’s absolutely NO chance you’re gonna grow together.

I’ve moved somewhere else and he’s still in the place that makes him happy and there is nothing wrong with that, it’s just… not gonna do it for me, yo.

And there HAVE to be people his age who are feeling the same way. But yeah, I’d say it’s more… common… in the mid-20s. But now we’re getting to the point where it’s borderline creepy for him to date those folks–not to mention, if he keeps grabbing younger people the’re a strong chance they’ll keep growing away from him–so my biggest hope is that he finds some kinship amongst other people of his generation who are content to simply exist in the world as it is.

Maybe he’s a buddhist who never studied it hahahaha.

He used to do tai chi. Maybe that’s his whole thing? MAYBE HE’S ENLIGHTENED AF AND I’M HERE LIKE “I’VE OUTGROWN YOU” LOL.

Anyway, my convo with Zardoz helped me contextualize some of this stuff, but I still don’t know what to do about it. The lack of catalyst makes it tough to motivate myself to do anything. We don’t fight, we’re compatible roommates, I’ve learned to suppress my irritation and boredom and it hardly affects me (or I’ve forgotten what it’s like to feel anything else?).

And now I’m on an important call so OFF I POP, GOODBYE FOREVER.


Perpetually Plump August 21, 2020

This entry made me laugh way, way too much. I wondered if your excitement about a lawn would dissipate. They're a fucking pain in the ass. But my dogs sure do love them. So, that helps motivate me.

I may have told this to you before, but I think my mom has borderline personality disorder, and she is roughly stuck somewhere between the age of like 17 and 21. Her first husband and her second husband were in her she range, younger by a few years, but she was also mid and early 20s. Her third husband was 9 years younger than her: She was 31 when he was 22. He had a lot of emotional issues and was an addict, so they stayed together for like 19 years. They split up when my mom was about 50ish. She tried moving a 19-year-old that she had met on the internet to our hometown. That did not work out. About a year later, or maybe two years later, she started dating another 19-year-old. So, she's 52ish and he's 19. 5 of her 7 children were older than him. One was a month younger. She was significantly older than his mom. I actually think she was the age of his grandparents. Or just slightly younger. So, this guy lived with his grandparents in a trailer in a super rural area. Morbidly obese. Zero social skills. His mom had tried repeatedly to kill him when she was in the throws of shizophrenia. My mom was not divorced from her third husband when they started dating. She was living in a bedroom at my brother's house. I think she was doing bookkeeping somewhere for low wages, because at some point she decided she was too sick and too old to work anymore. Cuz that's normal for being in your early 50's. After her third husband died, she moved back into our family home, and her boyfriend moved in with her. He became her husband a few years ago. My mother is now...old? Lol. 67. She's super pathetic as a human and a mom. A frequent conversation I have with my siblings is us contemplating whether or not her fourth husband will stay with her until she dies or if he will come to a point where he's had enough, because he has grown by leaps and bounds, and move on from her before she dies. (seriously. This dude now has a college degree and works in IT and provides for them. He's grown so much. I am very happy for him to have grown. Not happy he is stuck to my mother...) Anyhow. That's my story about people being emotionally snunted and dating outside of their age brackets.

One Angry Dwarf Perpetually Plump ⋅ August 21, 2020

Holy Hell that is ALL KINDS OF DYSFUNCTIONAL. With that stuff, it's hard for me to even place blame because obviously your mom is not well, and although that doesn't make it okay to start dating someone whose brain is not even fully developed (honestly, I dated someone who was 28 when I was 18, and only now that I've passed both ages do I realize I WAS STILL A CHILD AND IT WAS VERY VERY INAPPROPRIATE NO MATTER HOW MATURE I SEEMED AT THE TIME), it's like... did she even know what she was doing?

Thankfully I don't get any of those vibes from LP. He's not mentally unwell, really. He just lives for day-to-day happiness while still going to work, paying his bills, cooking his own meals, growing his savings account and generally making sure he has an emergency safety net at all times. His avoidance of uncomfortable communication is probably his most dysfunctional aspect, and probably partially why he's attracted to younger people--folks in their 20s are less likely to expect direct communication or have the tools/language to do it effectively, and they're less likely to notice that he's underdeveloped in that area.

OH and with yards: I've hated the concept of yards for a long time, hahaha. Or I guess I mean lawns! I FORGET THOSE ARE DIFFERENT THINGS.

I like having an outdoor space where I can hang out in when I want to be outside without having to interact with neighbors, but GRASS IS EVIL and I hate it. We don't water our lawn because hot damn what a huge waste, I'd rather look at dead grass than throw away a hundred million gallons of water to grow a plant that exists for no reason other than to advertise that you have enough money to throw away a hundred million gallons of water.

If I actually owned this place, I would totes spend the next few years digging up the whole-ass yard and replacing it with a garden. I can see turning it into a makeshift P-patch since there's no way I'd be able to take care of all of that on my own. Especially since I... don't know how to garden. Lol.

God, I wonder how that works. I'd probably need some sort of a license? Or something? BRB RESEARCHING HOW TO START A P-PATCH

girl in recession August 21, 2020

I definitely get that "grow together or grow apart" thing, and it's WORK. Anyone who says their relationship isn't work probably hasn't been in a relationship very long. Both bf and I have had some SERIOUS conversations that have had to change our minds/attitudes on a multitude of levels, so that we're growing together. And many were screaming matches, not conversations. I 100% accept we might not be growing together some day, if one of us "gives up" but it has been 8 years and we have a good rhythm so far (I think, i should probably ask him lol)

But if LP isnt willing to put in the work to DO things to change together, then yeah, hes always gonna wanna date 26 yrs olds and younger because that's the age group where we're mostly out for ourselves and trying to learn about ourselves and have fun and make mistakes. It's a great way to "get out" of having to do any self-reflection at all, really.

The "adult" things he finds boring about 30-40-somethings sound like the actual conversations adults need to have with one another in order to have a fulfilling, worthwhile, long-term relationship.

pangolin August 21, 2020

Fill that stupid lawn with native grasses and perennials. They require like zero upkeep and look cool aND filter the rainwater that flows to the storm drains. Some cities provide financial aid if you want to make a rain garden. I have a real hard-on for a rain gar-den.

I once went on a date with a guy who lied about his age. Even his fake age was around my upper limit, and then I found out he was almost 10 years older than that. And he LOOKED it. He said he gets along better with women in their early 30s, because of course he does. Good lord so pathetic.

One Angry Dwarf pangolin ⋅ August 21, 2020

DUUUUUDE, so our yard IS filled with... i imagine it's native grass? It's very thick n heavy--LP called it "field grass" but i don't know what that means lol. But hooooo boy it is HARDY AF. I'm glad it's not a manicured Fake Lawn like so many, but it's definitely dried the eff out since we don't water it.

We did plan on throwing some perennial... stuff... down this summer/fall for that reason and damn I'm getting excited about my yard again HOW DID YELLING ABOUT YARDS MAKE ME LIKE MY YARD AGAIN IDK BUT I'M HERE FOR IT.

One Angry Dwarf pangolin ⋅ August 21, 2020

Also: gross gross gross gross fuck that guy.

I went on a date with a dude who lied about his age once, but was like "it doesn't count as a lie" because in his "stuff i'm good at" section he put "lying about my age." I really didn't think that meant his age in his profile was a lie? SILLY ME. Anyway he cited the same reasons as your dude and it was icky. He was 37--which was at the TIPPY TOP of the age range I was comfortable with--and was actually 43. I was like... idk, 25 maybe??

Also I think he got there super early so he could be seated the whole time and disguise the fact that he was short until the very end of the date. Which, idk, I guess a lot of women care about that
(i do not) and I have SOME empathy there, but it felt pretty shitty to do when he'd already lied about his age.

One Angry Dwarf pangolin ⋅ August 21, 2020

Holy shit I'm sorry I'm spamming you but JUST NOW INSTAGRAM SUGGESTED I FOLLOW HIM SINCE WE HAVE ONE MUTUAL FRIEND. I ONLY REMEMBERED HIS NAME COS HE GAVE ME HIS BUSINESS CARD AND HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO HIM SINCE THAT DATE WTFFFFFFFFF

Yours For Now... August 21, 2020 (edited August 21, 2020)

Edited

Have you seen The Good Place?? He sounds a looooooot like the monk.

One Angry Dwarf Yours For Now... ⋅ August 21, 2020

Hahahaha, I LOVE THE GOOD PLACE AND I LOVE JASON MENDOZA.

I can kinda see the comparison, haha. I mean, LP is definitely not stupid. He's aware of world issues and understands why people care about bigger picture stuff, he just... doesn't have any real interest in it because it doesn't make him happy.

Yours For Now... One Angry Dwarf ⋅ August 23, 2020

Lol yeah, I just meant either he’s a silent monk or he’s a video game playing dude bro, but not both at the same time.

rhizome August 22, 2020

and the Fermi paradox and the VIOLENT STUPIDITY OF YARDS?

i firmly believe the only thing worse than a green lawn is a ratty heatsick lawn that somehow sucks up even more water. FUCK LAWNS.
SUCCULENT GARDENS 4EVA

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