Are the shows you watch embarrassing?
I’m not embarrassed by them. By and large, I’m not embarrassed by anything I watch, read, or listen to. Except “What Makes You Beautiful” by One Direction, that’s a little suspect.
Would you ever get plastic surgery?
I’ve thought about having breast reduction surgery a bunch of times, but I’m not sure if I ever will.
Do you take Cosmo sex tips seriously?
I did once, and only once. Cosmo told me that some guys like having their balls tugged when they’re getting a blowjob. Literally none of the guys I’ve gone down on even wanted to try it, and one even had a look of abject horror on his face when I asked about it.
Would you ever date a Mexican?
Of course I would! I’d date anyone I felt a spark with.
Are you a Diet Coke addict?
I hate Diet Coke. I hate diet drinks, period. Actually, I just hate artificial sweeteners; they never taste right to me.
How do you take your whiskey?
Mixed, usually with Coke.
Do you chew on your ice cubes?
Do you honestly consider yourself attractive?
You’re having twins, so what’s your first reaction?
“Wait, I’m pregnant?! I haven’t had sex in five months, and I have an IUD!”
What do you associate with the number ten?
“Ten sounds important!” -George Carlin on the Ten Commandments.
Have you ever felt like a stalker?
Sometimes, but I’d never actually stalk someone.
Do you have a smoker’s cough?
No, I have an asthmatic’s cough. Same difference, except I haven’t smoked in over eight years.
Is your hair naturally curly?
Not even slightly. My hair is straighter than most straight guys.
Have you ever written a word down, then realized it looked really weird?
Oh god, yeah. “Awkward” is the biggest offender.
Do you have a best friend named Sam?
I do not.
How often do you skip class?
Never. I used to skip a lot in middle and high school, but I rarely ever did it in college.
Do you text smiley faces a lot?
No, but I do text the tongue-out emoji a lot.
Do you even like texting?
Yes. When is this survey from, 2005? ‘Cause I hated it then; I never did learn T9.
Have you ever been on anti-depressants?
Yes, and now I’m on an anti-psychotic. It’s been working pretty well for the last three-ish years.
How’s your week been?
If it’s not showing up, it’s the entrance to a church, with a sign reading, “Jesus Christ the Same Yesterday, Today, and Forever”.
Do you like dates?
Eh, kind of. They’re a bit chewy for me.
Oh, dates! Like with other people! …Eh, kind of. At my age, there’s an element of, “Please do not let this perfume, makeup, outfit, shaving, and waxing all have been a waste.”
Have you ever starved yourself?
I tried when I was about 14 or so. I also, around that age, tried making myself throw up, but apparently, the only thing stronger than my gag reflex is how much I hate throwing up.
Do you got swag?
Hell no. I barely got “walk”.
Do you like the old 90210 or the new one better?
Too young for the first, too old for the latter.
How do your nails look right now?
Eh. I trimmed them for the first time in forever, a few days ago. Most are okay, but I ended up cutting my right ring finger way too short. It looks so sad next to the other nine nails.
Have you ever been in detention?
I basically lived in detention and in-school suspension in high school. Not because I was a bad kid, mind you; I was an okay kid, but I happened to have an emotionally abusive assistant principal take way too much interest in me, because I skipped one class, once, in my sophomore year. This dean thought Dolores Umbridge, the Trunchbull, and Nurse Ratched were misunderstood feminist heroines and acted accordingly; oh, and she refused to let me get my books or ask my teachers for my assignments. Long story short, she’s the reason my GPA fell from a 3.4 to a 1.7 by senior year. She is the only person in my life that I’ve actually told, when I found out they were in pain, “Good. You deserve it.”¹
Are you rude to police officers and do you know any of them by name?
I have been mostly polite to police officers, but that’s changed since a particularly nasty encounter with a pig in New Hampshire in 2013. I was actually afraid that the guy was going to drag me out of my car and rape me. And when I got his badge number and reported him? His boss basically said, “It’s your word against his.” ACAB.
Do you wear black to look skinnier?
No, I wear black because I look amazing in it. And also because I want to know who will treat me differently because of it. Kind of the same reason I have a visible tattoo.
What was or is high school like for you?
Apart from the two years I spent in in-school suspension every day, high school was fine. I actually kind of enjoyed it, but I’m glad I’m done with it.
Do you look good naked?
Oh hell no. I’m a potato; just white and mushy and I have weird spots all over.
What should you be doing right now?
Finishing Dave Hill Doesn’t Live Here Anymore. By the way, check out Dave Hill on Spotify; his style is kind of similar to Mitch Hedberg’s.
Have you ever been in rehab?
Do you have any true friends?
When’s the last time you had a really amazing kiss?
I’m kind of “meh” on kissing, if you want the truth. I heard that there are more germs in the human mouth than there are people in Australia and Canada combined, and I’ve never been able to shake it.
Have you ever drank cough syrup to get high?
No, but I have taken Vicodin that was supposed to help me recover from a surgery to get me through my period before. Let’s hear it for endometriosis!
Are you failing school?
Nope, I’ve actually been doing quite well.
Do you feel like a failure?
No more than everyone else right now, I imagine. Quarantine got us all by the psychological short ones.
Do you like the band Say Anything?
I don’t think I’ve ever heard anything by them.
Do you want a significant other and will you ever admit that?
Yes and yes, though it’s not high on my priority list.
What prescriptions do you have?
Generic Seroquel and, nominally, naproxen for chronic, endometriosis-related pain, but I honestly find that over-the-counter ibuprofen works better.
Have you ever been told you look like a chipmunk?
Once, when I was recovering from having my wisdom teeth out. My stepdad (who was still engaged to my mom at the time) came over to see how I was doing, and said, “Yeah, she kind of looks like a chipmunk.”
What does your record look like?
Like I’m not a good driver. (Fair.)
Do you own any cool socks?
I have fishnet stockings.
Have you ever been so obsessed with a book that you read it while walking?
No, but I used to sneak books out to recess when I was in elementary school. This was harshly frowned upon, because… I dunno, something about building social skills or whatever.
Do you look good in yellow?
I do not.
Did your first love love you back?
He says he doesn’t, but he does. I don’t, anymore.
What’s the stupidest name you’ve ever given a pet?
It’s kind of a matter of opinion, I think, but probably Timon. Because he was a “mere cat.”
Do you have a dumb stoner laugh?
I don’t think I do.
Do you have nice legs?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA No. I have short legs and thunder thighs.
Do you have scars on your wrists, or how about anywhere else?
I have scars all up and down my arms, from various cats over the last 31 years. My mother was anti-declawing way before a lot of people, and she never stopped the cats from scratching my brother and I if we were pestering them.
Do you wear tube socks?
Is Matt Damon sexy?
I don’t think so. He looks a little too much like my cousin for me to find him attractive.
Are you self-conscious about your shoulders in halter tops?
Nope. My anime titties, however, are way too big for that nonsense.
Are you a fast typer?
Would you ever live in Beverly Hills?
I can’t see myself doing that, no.
Are you good at being mean?
It depends on who you ask. I’d probably say no, because I don’t want to think I can be mean to other people. Others probably have a different opinion, which may be more accurate.
Have you ever blacked out from being so drunk?
On the regular, between the ages of 20 and 22. It was really, really dumb, and I do not advise anyone else to do it.
Do you like clubs?
I’ve never been to a club. There aren’t many in Indianapolis, and I went to college in the boonies of Vermont.
How old were you when you had your first drink?
Fifteen or so; I had a glass of wine.
Would you ever marry someone named Frank?
If he was a good man, I don’t see why not.
Do you like fedoras?
The hat? Eh. I could take or leave it.
Do you drink vodka straight?
During my afore-mentioned blackout drinking phase. Now, I prefer it mixed with cranapple juice.
Have you ever gotten a migraine?
Not that I can recall.
Have you ever screamed at someone so hard your face turned red?
A few times. In my defense, they deserved it. I don’t lose my temper often, but when I do, it’s safe to assume that I was pushed way too far.
Was your senior prom romantic?
I went with a group of friends, so… Eh. My junior prom was romantic, though.
Do you look presentable right now?
Nope, and nor do I smell presentable, I’m sure.
Have you ever been the wallflower at a party?
Unless I have some alcohol in me.
Have you ever had your ass grabbed?
As a joke, by Mark.
Are you still a Chris Brown fan after all his shit?
I never was a Chris Brown fan.
Do you post things on Facebook that are personal?
Not really, but that’s because I don’t often post super-personal things anywhere online. At least, not where a lot of people can read them.
¹In fairness, she did bring it on herself. She reached into another kid’s already in motion
car and tried to grab his steering wheel, because she wanted to search his car for pot. Which he probably had, but Jesus Christ, how stupid
do you have to be, reaching into a moving car like that? She ended up breaking or spraining her arm (don’t know which, don’t particularly care; I’m just glad she was in pain), and I think maybe two people in that entire school felt bad for her. That’s how deeply she was hated.