Well let’s see. I said I was going to make more video entries, but I haven’t. There may be a few contributing factors, but if I’m being honest, I suspect the biggest reason is that I feel unattractive. So there, I said it.
The thing that motivated me to write this entry, however, is the fact that twice in the past week I had episodes that bordered on panic attacks. I don’t know what to attribute it to exactly, but I know the two most obvious factors are that 1) I’ve not been drinking as much alcohol, and 2) I’m feeling really anxious about our trip to Washington.
The first time it happened was at the end of the day, right after we put our daughter to bed, and my husband was watching some X-Men movie. I asked him if we could watch Shameless, a show we both enjoy, and he said he really wanted to finish his movie. I asked if we could watch anything we could both enjoy, and he started to get whiny and insisted that he wanted to finish the movie. I continued to push back, emphasizing how much I didn’t want to watch X-Men (especially since he’d already watched the first two thirds of the movie), and he got really angry, said “fine!” and marched out of the room.
At that point I could feel a ball of energy spinning in my chest. I knew I was having some kind of feeling. I wasn’t immediately sure what to call the feeling, but I knew I couldn’t enjoy watching TV with my husband acting the way he was. I tried to explain to him that he has let me have the TV to myself every single night after our daughter goes to bed for weeks, and it’s not fair that he suddenly, with no warning, wants to use it. I’ve come to depend on this time to decompress.
He said that yeah, he has let me have the TV every night, and I couldn’t even let him have it this one time.
I was like, “that’s so unfair.” I argued that you can’t just do a nice thing for someone over and over and then one day, when it’s convenient for you, decide to use it against them.
I could feel the energy ball in my chest starting to expand into the rest of my body. I walked out of the room because it felt like our argument was leading nowhere, and as soon as I walked into the bedroom I realized that the feeling I was having was anger. I couldn’t believe that within five minutes I went from being on the verge of the most relaxing part of the day to feeling like this, unable to focus on anything or relax in any way. And there was definitely a layer of guilt mixed in there, too. I just stood in the middle of the room in a haze; even my breathing was feeling fucked up. I marched back out into the living room and, not knowing what the fuck to do with myself, just started whisper-screaming like a crazy person. (Wouldn’t want to wake the baby or disturb the 5,000 people that live within two feet of us).
My husband changed his tune completely and said that this whole situation was really not that big of a deal to him. He said that he didn’t realize it was that big of a deal to me and he encouraged me to watch whatever I wanted on TV.
I was so embarrassed that I lost control so badly. I just lay on the couch and silent cried for a minute or two while I tried to regulate myself.
So that was the first incident.
The second incident happened today when I was playing with my daughter and she suddenly puked all over her bedroom floor. I was like, WTF, and I spent the next two hours totally spinning out on the thought that my daughter has coronavirus.
I was thinking, “Oh my god, this is because your grandparents don’t protect themselves,” and “maybe it’s my fault for letting you sit on a swing at a public playground last week,” or “could it be from the one damn time I took you to Target?”
I was also thinking, “what if this means we have to cancel our Washington trip? Our plane tickets were non-refundable and I was so looking forward to it!” and “or what if we still go and she does have coronavirus and she infects my dad and he dies??”
Then I was feeling sick and wondering if we both have coronavirus…
So yeah. It was a lot of spinning out. She had literally no other symptoms, though, and she was laughing and playing normally for the rest of the day. And I feel better too, now.
And I still haven’t had a drink.
We leave for the trip, as long as nothing goes wrong, one week from today. Today I washed all of my clothes and my daughter’s clothes and packed our clothes for the trip. I also made a list of everything I want to pack. Oh, and despite working one less day than normal this week, I have more clients on the calendar than I ever have before in my life: 28. I’m not too worried about it, though. The only thing stopping me from seeing 28 clients every week is my childcare situation.
Well, that’s all for tonight. Until next time <3
Last updated August 10, 2020