Avoiding homework. If you can even call it that.
DID I MENTION I AM TAKING THE ABSOLUTE FUCKIN WORST ASL CLASS OF ALL TIME? Oh lord. I’m sure she’s a great teacher IRL, but her style absolutely does not translate well to Zoom, and every week is more confusing and embarrassing than the last.
And this week, Beyoncé (the coworker I signed up with) can’t make it so I’ll be EVEN MORE AWKWARD THAN BEFORE. So I need to practice my ass off. (Which likely won’t even help because she’ll use signs she didn’t teach us and continue to have 1:1 conversations with people I can’t see on my screen and I’ll be lost the entire time and want to pass away.)
So instead I’m writing. HELLO.
I’ve tried to write a couple entries since my last one and it’s just… not working. I don’t know why.
I’ve largely recovered from my X-treme sadness over Zelda and Zardoz leaving. I think it just… triggered another stage of grief. I was still holding onto the idea that I’ll get to go back to my old life when this is over, but that belief is gone. Things will keep changing, people will keep leaving… I may never be in the office at the same time with my whole team again. “Normal” is dead, and I’m just… having a hard time with it.
Or, I was last weekend. I’m feeling better now, although weird and antsy and… water-tready this week. I don’t know. It’s an old anxiety; everything I do feels like the wrong thing in that moment. I should be doing Something Else, but I can never pinpoint what that other thing is.
I need to get a better handle on work. I think that’ll help balance me out.
Also, the novelty of having new/healthier habits is wearing off, and I need to find something to put my energy into now that I… have more of it. The Thing is happening where my energy just turns into generalized anxiety, which makes me want to lean into escapism, which… Right now is fine, but eventually I’ll fall back into dangerous patterns of escapism and I DON’T WANT TO DO THAT. I want to continue feeling better, goddammit.
God, nothing I write feels good. I wanna fuckin delete it all. BUT I WON’T THIS TIME.
I went kayaking on Friday. I absolutely did not want to go kayaking at all, lol lol lol. BUT I FORCED MYSELF TO GO AND IT WAS ACTUALLY SUPER SUPER FUN. And I REALLY want to do it again.
Actually I kinda wanna buy a kayak, but uhhhhh LP also wants to buy a kayak and I know he’s gonna want to buy one two-person kayak instead of two one-person kayaks (WHICH IS FAIR) and, like almost everything else I do these days, I have a knee-jerk reaction to feeling like I must do it WITH him.
I’m very emotionally healthy and not at all spiraling.
NOT EVERYTHING IS A TRAP, JESS. YOU ARE NOT ACTUALLY LOCKED IN A CAGE, AND YOU WON’T BE LOCKED IN A KAYAK EITHER. STOP MAKING EVERYTHING INTO A BIGGER DEAL THAN IT IS.
… maybe this is why I’m not writing, lol. My head’s a mess and it doesn’t feel particularly productive to say this shit out loud.
Saturday, I went hiking(ish) with Rochester. (MQ’s best friend, whom I’ve hung out with in groups a few times and is a delight.)
When he asked me to go it was unclear whether other people were involved, but a followup text made it pretty clear it was just gonna be us. Carolyn said it seemed like he was trying to make it sound as non-date-y as possible, which made her think that it was possibly date-y, which was exactly how I was reading it too. BUT IT WAS NOT DATE-Y AT ALL, Y’ALL.
It was just kinda unexpected, because I’ve never hung out with the dude solo. And the one time I made plans with him (where the purpose was just for us to hang out with each other, rather than a show or social event or something), he invited MQ. Which was totally fine! But also really awful for me because MQ had been rejecting my invitations for months and saying it was because he “wasn’t socializing at all.” So the fact that he… was clearly fine with socializing as long as he was invited by someone other than me, MADE ME FEEL LIKE AN ACTUAL SACK OF TRASH.
But that wasn’t my point lol. My point was, I figured the fact that Rochester invited him was an indication that solo hangs were not a thing he was into. Not because he hates me or some shit, but some people you just don’t have solo friendships with, yanno? I’m fine with that.
Also I’ve offered to Zoom Hang with him since quarantine and he has not been interested, so I kinda figured this was a text-only (and in non-quarantine times, groups-only) friendship. Which is fine! I just didn’t expect him to be like “hey let’s drive two hours toward a mountain together.” That’s a big commitment to being alone with someone, especially when you haven’t… been alone with them before.
I was also kinda nervous that he’d made the offer while drunk and immediately regretted it upon sobering up, lol lol lol, so I aggressively tried to give him an out but he was like NO I WANT TO DO THE THING so we did the thing.
And like I said, I got zero date-y vibes from it when it actually popped off, so I don’t think there was an ulterior motive. He was probably just asking everyone, and I just happened to be the one to accept.
And I’m glad I did, because IT WAS VERY FUN, Y’ALL. I’m honestly surprised by how much fun it was? There aren’t many folks I enjoy being in a car with for that long. Road trips often feel like being stuck in eternal small talk, desperately grasping for anything to say that isn’t about the weather or that cool tree you just passed.
And I did feel a little anxious because I’M ME, but for the most part conversation flowed super easily. I forgot that he and I riff pretty fuckin’ well, which makes everything easier to handle. I think we have a similar comedic wavelength. AND a similar level of conversational energy. It’s nice to hang with someone who does their share of the talking, but isn’t constantly interrupting/failing to listen. I frequently have a hard time finding that balance.
So yeah, conversation oscillated pleasantly between comedy and Real Shit. We didn’t get into anything super deep, but did talk about more personal stuff than I expected. I wasn’t really sure WHAT it’d be like to hang out with him alone (and sober; we’ve been drinking every other time I’ve seen him), so it was cool that it seemed normal/comfortable to talk about some weightier stuff.
The hiking itself was a-ok; neither of us are big hikers, and he was mostly there to take pictures of flowers ‘n’ shit. So we hiked for a lot less time than we drove, lol.
He had a profesh camera, and I… never take pictures of shit. So I just took pictures of him taking pictures.
We both have social anxiety and like to make fun of ourselves for being awkward, so there was a lot of that. God, idk man, I just… felt really good during and after. It turns out I miss making new connections with human beings?!? WHO KNEW.
It could partially just be that I’m quarantined AF, and being around ANYONE I don’t already know everything about gives me a huge energy boost, but I also think we have a sympatico that is pretty fuckin’ rare for me.
Man, it’d be nice to start developing a potentially legit friendship right now. Even if we don’t turn into close friends, it was rad as shit to be reminded that those potential connections… exist at all? Losing Zelda and Zardoz fucking blows, but I’m not losing THE ONLY TWO PEOPLE IN ALL OF SEATTLE WITH WHOM I MAY HAVE EASY AND VALUABLE CONVERSATIONS. The timing on this was really good for me.
Okay, fine, fuckin’ FINE. IF you insist, I guess I’ll acknowledge that I still find him attractive. Like, pretty attractive. Like bordering on “very attractive.”
GODDAMN VAGINA DON’T YOU DARE RUIN THIS FOR ME.
So, yeah. There’s that.
I’m kinda glad we were masked up most of the time. We did stop somewhere so I could pee, and we smoked a cig before we got back on the road. That was one of the only times I saw his entire face for any length of time and was reminded of how goddamn cute he is. COVER THAT THING UP PLEASE, I NEED TO FORGET YOUR FACE EXISTS.
It’s not a super intense, impossible-to-ignore kinda attraction, but it is an attraction, and it seems to get stronger every time I see him. Partially because, idk, I remember his face exists? But mostly because our conversations are really easy and entertaining, and he’s SO GODDAMN FUNNY in a way that just CLICKS with me, which is my fucking kryptonite.
But like, yeah. He is off limits. I need to remember that. And since there is a potential ACTUAL friendship there, I need to… not (literally) fuck it up.
I know some of y’all have told me, and probably want to tell me again, that I don’t owe MQ anything, and he doesn’t own my body just because we used to bang, etc. etc. And I agree with all of that!
But dude. There is no reason for me to try to destroy a 15-year friendship because I wanna get my dick wet.
THERE ARE OTHER ATTRACTIVE FUNNY PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD WITH WHOM I CAN WET MY DICK.
I’ve also gotten zero indication that he’s into me, which is good due to my complete lack of self-control. If it was a mutual attraction and it turned out that he ALSO has no self-control, I would probably have to never hang out with him again. But yeah, I don’t get that vibe. I AM PROBABLY ALONE WITH MY BONER, and for once that’s a positive thing.
…although I’m historically awful at picking up those signals, so who fuckin’ knows lol. MAYBE I SHOULD FUCK OFF FOREVER JUST IN CASE.
The title is not a poem this time. Ha ha. It’s a song by a band called Diarrhea Planet. I suggest you not bother listening to it.
KAY BYE FOR REAL.
Last updated August 09, 2020