07292020 in This little light of mine

  • July 29, 2020, 2:45 a.m.
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Spent a bit of time on prosebox yesterday cleaning up my main page. I guess I’m just exhausted going through it some days, and that’s been contributing to me not wanting to log in. But, now that it’s cleaner and I’ve had a bit of a respite, I’m ready to come back.

I recently started a personal diary on google docs where only I have access to it. It’s a very cute concept I’ve made up about its aesthetics, and I like so far how it’s helped me to progress in my goals on self-care and self-actualization.

So yesterday I was finally able to hit 8/8 productive habits for the first time! Here are the productive habits I’m trying to establish–
1. Make bed
2. One Meal a Day (for weight loss)
3. Exercise (strength training and cardio!)
4. Read (expand my horizons)
5. Study a subject (I take free online courses)
6. Sleep by 8:30 PM (need a consistent sleeping schedule)
7. Don’t spend any money (got to save, save, save !!!)
8. Drink 90 oz H2O (dehydration can lead to a host of issues)
I think I finally have “Make your own bed” down as an established habit and can remove that, since I can’t go through my days anymore without having done it. (This is a major win!).

I really want prosebox to be a part of my self-actualization journey. One of the major goals I’m thinking to focus on is forming meaningful relationships with humans. As much as I want to spite my father for having shunned any possible meaningful relationship I could have had as a child and all throughout my teens and most of my twenties, I realize that I’m miserable. Having had to learn self-compassion in my life, I must say that I love myself more than I hate the decisions my father subjected me to as a child.
I’ve been using dating apps as one avenue of addressing the above. However, it doesn’t really solve the “friend” dilemma. I find it really difficult to, not make friends, but keep them. I find most of my friendships really draining; as much as I want to be in relationships with people, sometimes I feel like I have a low stamina for it.

Ideally I’d have a lovely circle of friends–Maybe made up of 6 people at the most. We’d meet at a coffee shop every week to a month, sit and talk shit, talk about life and the things we learned or are going through. It’d be like a support group almost, where everyone is looking out for the success, well-being and happiness of everyone else.
Wish I could find a circle of girls like that. Maybe we’d do escape rooms or go camping to bond, idk. I personally love nature (like hiking) and solving problems. Weirdly, I seem to attract women who don’t like the outdoors, can’t tell the difference between a daffodil and a buttercup, nor would they be interested in a conversation about the tradeoffs between oak and cottonwood trees, and its implications on the genetic blueprint of human life. etc.

Anyway, I digress.
Sometimes I feel like it’s easier to find a compatible lover than compatible friends. But I would like friends, mutual ones, the kind of friendships that are deep and reverberating; a sisterhood. Not sure how though.
As for male friends, I don’t really have the same difficulties with being friends with guys, if any. I feel like I can fall off the face of the earth for a year, and we’d still be OK. Plus I have a ton of male cousins around my age, and a lot of brothers, so. It’s not lacking in my life I guess is what I’m saying, lol.
I suppose in my imaginary circle of friends if there was a male, he’d be gay.


Last updated July 29, 2020


DE_KentuckyGirl July 29, 2020 (edited July 29, 2020)

Edited

That's a good list you've got there. I'm so lazy about making my bed, haha.

I can relate to the energy draining friendship portion you write about. I am one of those who can go weeks, months even without contact then pick up again only to go silent for a time. The only friends I'm really able to keep are those who can deal with this (or are the same way) and who do not take it personally. The friends I do have, who I consider close, have been friends for many years and this is just the way we are. :)

noip DE_KentuckyGirl ⋅ August 01, 2020

Thank you! :) It hasn't been easy, but being able to get adequate sleep during this pandemic where everything has shut down has helped a lot in following through with daily goals.

Yeah I noticed on your profile description that you are an ISTJ. That's super cool. I know a lot of ISTJs in STEM. I think it's so wonderful you've found a circle of friends who get your need to be alone, and it gives me hope that I'll find my way as well ! : )

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