The r/AskReddit Survey, Part Quatre: The NSFW Edition in Surveys, Challenges, and Other Crap

  • Aug. 6, 2020, 12:38 a.m.
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  • Public

To be clear, these are questions that are either sexual in nature, or otherwise not safe for work. You have been warned. Don’t leave this tab open at work.

What’s the WORST thing to say to a girl before going down on her?
My fucked-up brain saw this and immediately went, “TACOOOOOO TUESDAY!!!” And then I started laughing, because I am a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad person.

What’s the WORST thing to say to a guy before going down on him?
My fucked-up brain saw this and immediately went, “ROCKET POWER!”

Which fictional character would you totally bang?
Severus Snape, Harry Potter series (yes, he’s a fuckboi; yes, I still would.)

What weird thing does your body do that you just accept?
Every now and then, my ankles lock, for no discernible reason. If I stretch them gently for a few minutes, they loosen up.

Women of Reddit, what do you crave during that dreaded time of month?
Ugh, it ranges from sex to chocolate and back again.

What movie quote shouldn’t you say during sex?
“You masturbate more than anyone on the planet, and when you do it, you’re thinking of guys.”

Women, did you find anything about the male anatomy particularly intriguing or confusing the first time you saw it? If so, what?
For some reason, before I actually saw one in person, I had this idea that a flaccid penis is about the same size as an erect one, so it was a shock to realize that this tiny, mouse-sized thing grew substantially.

Ladies, when and how did you first learn about circumcision?
On Open Diary, I think. There was a debate about if baby boys should be circumcised at birth, to prevent penile cancer. Which, as I’ve found out, is so rare, it would make more sense to cut off girls’ breasts when they start puberty, if we’re really talking about cancer risk here. But we aren’t. When we’re talking about circumcision in the US, we’re really talking about the aesthetic; how we think penises should look, and here, that means “like a naked soldier wearing a helmet.” My two cents: If it’s not attached to my body, I don’t get to decide that I don’t like how it looks and surgically alter it.

People of reddit, what is your favorite part about having your specific set of genitals (vagina/penis) other than masturbating or having intercourse?
If I’m aroused at an inopportune time, I can hide it easily.

Ladies: What is a dead give away that a guy watches too much porn when you sleep with him?
//whips out the list//
1. When he slaps your clit before doing anything else.
2. When he tries to go all in on your ass without lube.
3. When he starts jackhammering your cervix (with his dick or his fingers), thinking that will get you there (Guys, when you slam into the cervix, it feels like being punched, hard).
4. When he rubs your clit like a scratch-off ticket.
5. When he expects you to be bald down there, but hasn’t shaved or waxed his balls, like, ever.
6. When he thinks spitting on your vag/ass counts as “lubing up”.
7. When he thinks his dick is enough to get you off.
8. When he thinks “eating her out” means “lick her clit in one, repetitive motion until she feels something” or “stick your tongue in her vag” (bonus points if his tongue is dry!).
9. When it comes to oral sex, if he looks like Owen Wilson in this picture.
10. When you’re giving him a blowjob and he crams his cock down your throat with no warning.
11. When I’m on my back and he tries to bend me in half at the waist. I am not a rag doll; I have an inflexible spine, just like other mammals
12. When he has long/jagged nails and still wants to finger you (guys, if you want to finger your partner, CUT AND FILE YOUR NAILS, I cannot stress this enough).
13. When he thinks stamina is all he needs; just refer to this bit from Robin Williams as to why women are not impressed with how long you can keep it up.
14. Basically, when he’s the living embodiment of the saying, “God gave men a penis and a brain, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”

Whats something that everyone should know about sex before they reach the age of 18?
Having sex for the first time isn’t going to tilt your world on its axis; in all likelihood, your first time is going to be awkward and underwhelming. That is perfectly normal. Sex gets better with age and experience.

How do you feel about porn?
It’s fantasy. The annoying part is how few people, especially men (and young men in particular) don’t realize it. It’s an old saying, but still true: “Learning to make love by watching porn is like learning to drive by watching NASCAR.”

For those who were brought up to be extremely conservative and modest regarding sex and relationships, what’s your attitude/experience now?
I’m kind of a libertine now. Did I say “kind of”? I meant I am, full stop.

How much masturbating is too much?
When your fun bits start chafing and bleeding.

What do you think are the reasons for people acting so unbelievably weird about sex?
Mainly, trauma and bad information.

What fetish do you just not understand?
Anything related to age play, and anything scatological.

Do you think if men at a young age were told to be more open with their emotions could prevent sexual assault crimes? Why or Why not?
I do not. It certainly wouldn’t hurt anybody to let men and boys be open with their emotions, and we should all strive towards higher emotional intelligence, but sexual assault has nothing to do with being in touch with one’s emotions. If we taught boys from an early age that girls are not objects for them to conquer, but human beings with emotions just like them, that would probably do way more to prevent sexual assault.

If you discovered porn at a young age, do you think it had a negative impact on you?
Absolutely. My problem, in particular, is that my mother was too prudish, and to worried that if she gave me any information about sex I’d go out and start having it, to ever sit down and have The Talk with me, so I turned to porn to try and learn about sex. Well, like I said earlier, “learning to make love by watching porn is like learning how to drive by watching NASCAR,” and I had some terrible ideas about what sex should be like from ages 16 to 20. So yeah, if I ever have kids, they will not be going into the big, cold, sex-obsessed world half as uninformed as I was.

If you had the ability to instantly give any person an orgasm, simply by pointing your hand at them like a finger gun and saying “pew”, how would you wield this power?
Very, very, very carefully.

What do you consider better than sex?
A really good sneeze after having needed to sneeze all day.

Have you ever been caught jerking off? What happened?
Not quite caught, but I have occasionally forgotten to shut the door while getting it on with my vibrator, which led to me looking up and seeing various cats staring intently at the goods (or, once, I shut the door and didn’t realize there was a cat under my bed). I get that animals don’t necessarily think in those terms, but it’s still super-uncomfortable and embarrassing.

When having sex what’s one thing that must stay on?
The condom, if you don’t want to receive or send that dreaded text, “We’ve got a little problem…”

Women: Can you actually feel it when a guy cums inside of you?
I can, and honestly, I really, really enjoy it. And since I have an IUD, he can, and safely.

What is something you would struggle with if you suddenly became the opposite gender?
Just, having a dick full-time. I think I’ve mentioned it before, but I would like an on-demand dick, like in the hentai Bible Black, but I don’t want one 24/7. Like, just… What are you supposed to do with this thing, the 99% of the time you’re not having sex or jerking off? Where do you put it when you ride a bike? How do you keep it from flopping around and bruising while running? What happens if you get hard while running? Just… What am I supposed to do with this thing?! (And also, how badly does helicoptering hurt?)

Why are men so interested in trying anal sex with their female partners?
Couple reasons: One, as Ali Wong said, “If you’re married, you’re gonna have to do anal eventually, OK? You have to, because you gotta change it up. You gotta change it up, so that you don’t cheat on each other. You gotta keep it interesting. If you put it in different holes, maybe you’ll feel like you’re fucking different people.” (Yes, she said that, in Baby Cobra.) Also, it just feels different, and in some cases, better than in the vag. My ex-fiancé was, shall we say, not gifted in the penile area (in their defense, their doctor used that stupid electric thing to circumcise them -apparently, there was a time that cutting the foreskin off a male baby just wasn’t sadistic enough, so sometimes they used a mini-electric cattle prod- and screwed it up, so my ex has no feeling in about 1/3rd of their penis), so in that case, anal gave me the same sensations I would normally get from PIV. I would imagine, also, for guys that watch too much porn, there’s an idea that it will “hurt so good,” but, dudes: If you’re in her butt and she’s screaming bloody murder, you are doing it ALL KINDS OF WRONG and you need to stop, before you land her in the ER with a prolapsed anus (yes, this can happen from overly aggressive anal). Done correctly, anal shouldn’t hurt. It’s an unusual sensation, for sure, and you need to get used to it (and no shame on you if you can’t), but it shouldn’t be painful.

Whats your opinion on anime titties?
As someone who has as close to them as can exist in the real world (34-36D in bras you can buy at Macy’s, but if I got them professionally measured, would probably be closer to an E or an F cup, if not bigger¹), they are seriously overrated, especially for the person who has to live with them.

Do women get turned on as much by the thought of having a threesome with two men, as men do about having a threesome with two women? Why or why not?
I mean, I do. I like the idea of being the center of attention in that scenario.

What’s something you were excited to try sexually that turned out to be a disappointment?
69. It looks amazing in porn, but I found it boring.

¹Boob sizes are even crazier than most women’s clothing.

Last updated August 06, 2020

SweetMelissa August 10, 2020

I'm not even done reading but I'm screaming with laughter.

SweetMelissa August 10, 2020

The accuracy. I thought about doing this survey but realized you've pretty much covered everything here. That Owen Wilson picture was too much.

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