Some of these are silly but many are quite funny. :)
-Scientists say the Universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons - they forgot to mention morons.
-My wife says I have only have two faults - I don’t listen and something else!
-At my funeral, take the flowers off my coffin and throw them into the crowd to see who is next.
-I’m going to stop asking “How dumb can you get?” People seem to be taking it as a challenge.
-I may be wrong but I doubt it.
-I thought growing older would take longer.
-To me, “Drink Responsibly” means don’t spill it!
-If you are happy and you know it, thank your Meds. [V
-Of course size matters, no one wants a small glass of wine.
-Never laugh at your wife’s choices, you are one of them.
-Jesus loves you but I’m his favorite.
-I have sexdaily, I mean dyslexia.
-A little grey hair is a small price to pay for all this wisdom.
-Does running late count as exercise?
-If I say I will do it, I will do it! No need to remind me every six months!
-Today I was a hero! I rescued some beer trapped in a bottle.
-No, I don’t need anger management! You need to stop PISSING me off!
-Don’t judge me by my relatives!
-When I was a kid, I wanted to be older . . . this crap is not what I expected.
-The best thing about the good old days was that I wasn’t good and I wasn’t old.
-Science doesn’t care what you believe.
-The secret of enjoying a good wine…open the bottle to allow it to breathe; and if it does not look like it is breathing, give it mouth to mouth.
I’m so busy I don’t know whether I found a rope or lost my horse.
I have stopped LISTENING so why are you still TALKING?
My relationship with WHISKEY is on the rocks.
You are about to exceed the limits of my medication.
4 out of 3 people struggle with math.
Patience is a virtue, it’s just not one of my virtues!
Pubs - the official sunblock of Ireland.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, let me do it.
Twinkle twinkle little star, point me to the nearest bar.
Please be patient - even a toilet can only handle one asshole at a time.
The older I get the more everyone can kiss my ass.
Does running from my responsibilities count as cardio?
Retired - under new management. See spouse for details.
My body is a temple - ancient and crumbling; probably cursed or haunted.