I think this will be the last random-question survey. What say you to themes?
What is your biggest/favorite “What if” of history? What if… Leon Trotsky had become General Secretary of the Communist Party, as Lenin had intended?
What can destroy a relationship? Apart from the usual things, like cheating and abuse? Sex and money. People always think their relationship is stronger than those things, but they aren’t.
What are some of the most overused plot lines in movies? Romantic comedies in general. I have to quote Patton Oswalt and say that all romantic comedies should just be called “Trying to Fuck,” because that’s basically all they are.
A fat cat approaches your home. What do you do? “XOMG KITTY!!! Come here, kitty, let me pet you!” What can I say, I’m a cat person.
If you were granted an orange pill that allowed you to get rid of three problems with your health and a purple pill that allowed you to change three things about your physical appearance, which one would you pick? …Can’t I just take both? I want to get rid of whatever it is that causes me to grow a fucking lumberjack beard (no kidding, no hormones, and literally no doctor has ever been able to tell me what’s going on), the other mental health issues besides ADHD, and the endometriosis, and I want to be about eight inches taller.
If you could dis-invent something, what would it be? Facebook and other micro-blogging social media sites. I’d keep long-form blog sites, like Prosebox and LiveJournal, but I really can’t help but think that the rise in far-right ideology and the over-representation of conspiracy theories in our society today has to do with the thoughtless click-and-share culture of Facebook and Twitter.
Is there a dream you still vividly recall after several years? What was it about, and why has it stuck with you? So, when I was in elementary school (I want to say second grade or so), I had this nightmare that my mother had died, but when I was taken to the funeral home to see her body, not only wasn’t it there, but in the casket was a tall, skinny woman with frizzy red hair (my mother is a short, heavyset woman with straight, fine, dark blonde hair, like me). I got upset, saying, “That’s not my mom, where’s my mom?” over and over again, but everyone in the room kept telling me, “That’s your mom, show some respect!” Not a great nightmare for a seven-year-old with recently divorced parents to have, and I doubt if I’ll ever forget it.
What is something an average person could do that would really benefit the world? Learn to say, “I don’t know enough about this topic to have an opinion on it.” And, conversely, those who want and demand opinions on every topic from everyone in their lives, should learn to understand that, even with magic handheld computers on us 24/7, it is not, and will never be, possible for everyone to know enough to have an opinion on everything.
What has gone too far? Capitalism. I once heard this opinion on it, which is, “[Capitalism] is like water: We need it to live, but if we don’t control and regulate it, it’s deadly.” Plus, I think there’s a strong argument to be made that if Adam Smith had lived to see how his ideas were applied in the post-Industrial Revolution world, he would have retracted them, vociferously.
What is a polite way to say that some people are stupid? “Bless your heart.” True story, I once said that when I was going to college in Vermont, in response to the stupidest single sentence I’d heard up to that point. Everyone in the class who was from New York, California, and New England (which was the majority), said, “Oh, that’s so sweet!” My ex-fiancé (who was just a classmate I was friends with at the time), who is from North Carolina, suddenly had a massive coughing fit and had to excuse himself.
Which song can cheer you up instantly? “Through Heaven’s Eyes” from The Prince of Egypt. I’m not religious at all, but I just love this song, and hearing it is like an endorphin injection for me.
What do you think every child should learn before growing up? “The world does not love you. If given the chance, the world will try to kill you. I, your parent, love you unconditionally, but the world doesn’t even give you conditional love.”
What are your thoughts on half of Oklahoma being given back to Native Americans? It’s a start. Can we give them back Mount Rushmore next? And then, at some point, all of the land we stole from them?
What’s the sexiest, funnest thing you can do with a crush that does not involve penetration? A striptease. I’ve done it before, and damn, did I love that stroke video Mark sent me in reply.
What aspect of your life now would most shock your 16-year-old self? That I (a) have a desk job, (b) actually kind of like my desk job, (c) never met Alan Rickman, (d) never laid Daniel Radcliffe, and (e) am single.
What tips would you like to give someone who has recently started reading books and novels? If you aren’t connecting with the book, don’t be afraid to give up on it. Try it again later, if you want, but maybe now isn’t the time for you to read it, and that’s okay.
What are some examples where people got praised for doing the bare minimum? Literally every time someone gets a social justice hashtag trending on Twitter, or reblogs/shares the original post. How many more failed movements will it take before we realize that social media is NOT an effective medium for actual, legislative and social change?
Looking back, how did you improve yourself over the past few years? I finally realized that something was deeply wrong with me, sought out treatment, and made a conscious decision to fix it.
What was the most obvious lie somebody ever tried to convince you of? I mentioned this a few months ago, but my mother once tried to tell me that the best reason not to have sex before marriage was that, “The vagina makes a chemical imprint of the first penis that’s in it, so if you have sex before marriage, you’re always going to be comparing every other penis to the first one, and you’ll never be satisfied.” Let’s just say, of the six penises that have been in me, Two through Six were waaaaaaaaaay better than the first. (Which probably had more to do with me knowing what I wanted and how to ask for it, and also being with men who were okay with experimentation/giving head/fingering. Sex gets better with age and experience, and if you’re young and pink, don’t let anyone tell you differently.)
What song would you want played at your funeral? “Remains of the Day” from Corpse Bride, or “Dead Man’s Party” by Oingo Boingo.
You are magically granted one night of passion with any famous person of your choosing… Who will it be? Malcolm Gladwell. Dude has some major BDE. Plus, I have this theory about “ugly” men being the only ones worth getting naked with, which is this: Beautiful men have no game, because their beauty will always get them laid; because of this, most of them are incredibly boring lays. “Ugly” guys, on the other hand, know that they need to develop some game, first, to attract women, and then, to keep them coming back. So, Mark: If you broke his nose off his face and threw it, it would come back like a boomerang, but he has the stamina of a Greek god (and a nicely-sized package, I admit) and a willingness to experiment that I’ve rarely seen before or since. My ex-fiancé: About a two on your average ten-point attractiveness scale, but loves eating women out, and was really damned good at it, if my tendency to orgasm every time we had sex is any proof. So I see Gladwell, who kind of looks like a horse and a mouse got caught in a Frankenstein-type splicing machine, but he always has some insanely gorgeous woman on his arm. The whole “best-selling author” aspect definitely isn’t hurting him, but I can’t help wondering what his trick is in bed. (If I had to guess, just from looking, he’s really good at fingering.)
You are offered 5 million dollars to spend half a year in complete isolation, no contact to anyone, but with everything else you need, how would you respond? “No physical contact? That’s basically how I live already. Yes, I’ll take five mil for it.”
What can be said during sex and a family game of Monopoly? “Pay up, or I swear to every god, I will rip your kidneys out through your nostrils and play, in its entirety, the Macarena.”
Yawl, it’s Monopoly. There are no rules in this game.
You’ve had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. What is your “I deserve this” comfort food? Take-out, usually from India Sizzling, and usually baingan bharta, with extra garlic naan on the side, and some gajar halwa for dessert. Yeah, it’s high-calorie, so my day has to be an absolute zero in every aspect before I order it.
What‘s the sexiest song ever written? That kind of depends on what mood you’re in, doesn’t it? But here’s the songs I’ve gotten it on to the most.
What’s the biggest lie people still believe? The American Dream.
What do you have an irrational hatred for? People who leave their carts next to the cart corral, instead of going the extra twelve inches and actually putting it in.
What is your favorite Disney movie? Just one?! I refuse. I’ll give you my ten favorites: Fantasia Beauty and the Beast Coco The Emperor’s New Groove Homeward Bound Wreck-It Ralph Hamilton (it counts!) Sleeping Beauty The Hunchback of Notre Dame The Nightmare Before Christmas
Sex or sleep? Why? Sex, because it helps you fall asleep. (Jesus, I’m horny. It’s COVID, I swear.)
What’s something that is universally considered as childish, even though adults do it all the time? Watching cartoons or animated movies. Look, even if you don’t count porn/hentai, there are a lot of cartoons that, if I had kids, I’d have to really think hard about if I wanted them watching it. (Of course, these are my theoretical kids we’re talking about; if I found ways to watch South Park in spite of a parental block, they will, too.)
What celebrity do you like their character(s) but not the person? Most of them, honestly. I’d say Tom Cruise is at the top of that list, because he is actually a really good actor, but I can’t stand him, personally. Emma Watson is also close to the top; everything I’ve ever heard about her paints her as a complete bitch.
What is your opinion on life sentences? Honestly, I prefer using them to the death penalty. If someone has committed a heinous crime, lock them up for the rest of their life; you don’t need to kill them if you’re already telling them they’ll never get out of jail.
What’s the most basic thing you’ve had to explain to an adult? To my brother, that if someone has a JD, that means they graduated from law school. He didn’t believe that a law school degree is called a juris doctor.
When did you lose your virginity & do you regret the age or person? 20, and no, I don’t regret either the age or the person.
What are some songs that sound happy but the lyrics are sad as hell? Confession time: “Lyrical dissonance” is my all-time favorite musical trope, and about 3/4ths of my iTunes are songs that sound happy and boppy as hell, but have incredibly depressing lyrics. To name a few:
“99 Luftballoons” by Nena, aka “The Happiest, Most Dance-able Song About Nuclear Annihiliation In History”
“Kiss Them for Me” by Siouxsie and the Banshees: A sweet-sounding, upbeat bop about the car crash that killed Jayne Mansfield.
“Semi-Charmed Life” by Third Eye Blind: Ahem, this lyric: “Doing crystal meth will lift you up until you break.”
“Heads Will Roll” by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs: Ahem. These lyrics: “Off with your head! Dance ‘til you’re dead! Heads will roll… On the floor.” Sung like a mid-80s techno dance-hall song.
And finally, the mack daddy of lyrical dissonance: “Born in the USA” by Bruce Springsteen. Is there a more rallying-cry sounding song about how much our government screwed over Vietnam vets?
What is your favorite song with NO lyrics at all? “Spiraling Into the Sun” by Abandoned Toys.
What are some lyrics that are really heartbreaking? “I smoke your brand of cigarettes and pray that you might give me a call. I lie around in bed all day, just staring at the walls. Hanging ‘round bars at night, wishing I had never been born. I give myself to anyone who wants to take me home. And no, of course, we can’t be friends, not while I still feel like this. I guess I always knew the score; this is where our story ends.” -Garbage, “Cup of Coffee”. We’ve all been through this break-up.