9:59 in spectrality

  • July 7, 2020, 9:09 a.m.
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  • Public

over! done! did it. all the way up until i was lying there in the bed and the anesthesiologist came in to chat with me, i wasn’t clear if i would be under full sedation. i was worried it might be more of a conscious sedation… eyes open but too loopy to care, sort of deal. i am happy to report it was not– they knocked me out fully, which was very much appreciated.

so all’s good, more or less. i thought the doctor was overreacting for ordering an endoscopy just because i get acid reflux sometimes, but then they found and removed a 3mm polyp in my stomach, so… always listen to doctors!

the colonoscopy was more, complicated? it was mostly uneventful, i guess on their first pass with the scope they found a 3mm polyp and i suppose they come back later, or perhaps just on their way back out to remove it. except, then they couldn’t find it again. apparently they went back through 4x and still couldn’t find it. which is kinda funny but also, dangit, now i have to go back in 3 years and do it all again. i do not waaaaaaaaaaaant. i was hoping to just coast until age 50… almost 2 blissful decades of not having to go through the prep again… ahh it was a nice dream while it lasted.

i bet those 3 years are just gonna go snap like that and i’ll be back scrubbing toilets all over again… dammit.

anyway as much as all that was, all this is kinda small potatoes compared to what’s coming up. can’t wait to meet my neurosurgeons in houston. can’t wait to get my tumor cut out. and fingerscrossedfingerscrossedfingerscrossed that everything goes magically and they cut it aaaaaaaaaall out and i’m in remission for the rest of my life and i never have to do it again.

the reality is more nuanced, as i’m reading stories where, for many, even when the surgeons are confident they got it all (and maybe they did) it still grows back. and they have to do it all again, every so many years… forever.

really i’m staring down the barrel at the rest of my life and it kinda sucks. i was(?) healthy, i still look healthy probably. but this has probably been in there for some years now and it took a while to really show up. it was all an illusion, i guess. and now i’m tired all the time and my joints all hurt and they might hurt off and on for the rest of my life. and i will most likely, even if i don’t have to have surgery again, be on hormonal treatment for the rest of my life.


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