I need to make this quick which means I shouldn’t start writing it. LOL okay fuck it I’ll wait. I AM AN ADULT NOW, I CAN WAIT TO WRITE AN ENTRY AND DO URGENT WORK INSTEAD.
I did the thing.
I AM DOING MUCH BETTER THAN I WAAAAAAAS. We’ll see how long it lasts lol BUT RIGHT NOW I’M PRETTY GOOD.
Friday, I (A) got up at 8 and got a lot of shit done, and (B) went over to Zardoz and Zelda’s place. Hooooo boy, it was… kinda awkward. There is clearly a lot of tension between them and it showed. They weren’t outright fighting, but they both seemed irritated at everything the other did. Most of it coming from Zardoz. But Zelda, I’ve noticed, becomes oddly demanding when this happens. So it was her telling him what to do in an irritated tone, and him pausing lengthily and politely agreeing, obviously fighting the urge to push back.
And he has the overall tendency to nitpick the individual words in another person’s sentence and treat them like they’re stupid. Which unfortunately is very easy to do to Zelda because her blissful naivete means she doesn’t really care about the accuracy of her words, and she asks a lot of questions one could perceive as “dumb,” which just eggs him on.
I think one of her ways of getting attention is to act like she needs to be led by the hand through life. “What’s this? What’s that? I don’t understand this, please explain it to me even though I’ve definitely had it explained several times!”
The most egregious example I can think of was several years ago when she asked someone to help her fill out the tip on a receipt. Not help with the math, but literally how to write the tip in. We’d been to bars and restaurants at least a dozen times before. I know she knew how receipts work, but Zardoz wasn’t there and she needed someone to explain SOMETHING to her, so she grabbed one of my friends and asked him how to write a number in a box and sign her name.
It’s stuff like that. She wants people to not just look at her, but stay engaged for as long as possible. I suspect she subconsciously knows that people like feeling smarter than you, so acting dumb is one of her avenues to get undivided attention. (This is all obviously conjecture on my part; I’m not a therapist and I’m not in her head. It’s just how it seems to me.)
ANYWAY. Zardoz eats that shit up because he loves being needed/in charge, but he’s also easily frustrated by it, so he gets condescending right quick. I’ve seen this with a lot of codependent dynamics; you both enjoy playing these roles until you find yourself needing an equal partnership and suddenly it’s a burden.
But they’re BOTH playing their old parts and BOTH getting frustrated by it. I feel like they’re stuck in a loop. One of them can’t escape their role without the other simultaneously opting out of theirs. If Zelda stops baiting people with obvious questions but Zardoz continues to condescend to her (or vice versa), it’ll just throw a bunch of plant food onto the already-budding resentment.
Essentially, it looks to me like they’ve both regressed to the people I met six years ago, and it was unpleasant to witness. And because I’m friends with both of them, I feel this desire to pick a side. I’ll defend Zelda when he’s being a shithead to her, but when she seems like she’s acting intentionally ignorant, I tend to join in on Zardoz’s condescension. NOT GOOD BEHAVIOR ON MY PART. But it’s hard to stay 100% out of it when it’s what they’re doing for most of the evening.
I think they’ll be fine. I think we’re all regressing a little, right now. And shit, they tolerated each other back then so I’M SURE THEY CAN HANDLE THIS NOW.
We did have SOME fun, though. I made really terrible vegan/GF mini-cheesecakes. (Zardoz is lactose intolerant and the GF part just came with the recipe. In the future I will pay more attention to what I ACTUALLY need to modify to not murder his intestines.) We watched the Rejected cartoons because Zelda had never seen them (she absolutely did NOT get why they were funny, which is fair enough), and we played Egyptian Rat Screw.
By the time the game ended (I forgot that game can stall out for an eternity), I was all kinds of ready to get out of there. So fuckin’ tired, yo. So I Lyft’d home around 11 and passed out when I got home.
As you can tell from this description, I AM NOT SOCIAL DISTANCING WITH THEM. Very hard to play a slap-based card game six feet apart. I’ve only socialized with them, I’ve waited two weeks between visits, and I’ve been checking with LP to make sure he’s okay with me possibly getting their diseases.
As long as I’m not the spreader (lol), I won’t hate myself. And it’s helping me keep my sanity KIND OF A LITTLE, so I’m making this compromise for now.
Unfortch it means they’re the only people I can see non-distantly, and if it gets more and more uncomfortable to be there, I’m not really going to feel renewed/refreshed. So I may have to reevaluate which household is my ‘Tine Away From ‘Tine. But they’re my best friends in this city and I’ll stick it out for a while longer.
Saturday was great. Got up at 9–I’m slowly trying to get my sleep schedule back on track after weeks of backsliding and heavy drinking–and crushed some tasks. I made REAL mini cheesecakes (which taste like heaven and sex and sex in heaven), cleaned up some stuff… I actually can’t remember all I got done, but it was a lot.
I virtual-chatted with Carolyn, and as soon as we hung up I realized I had a virtual “Art” hang with coworkers starting immediately, so I talked to them while I made lemon curd (literally why do I not curd the fuck out of every fruit all the time, that shit was LIT). I planned to do origami but I thought the art hang was Sunday and I was in the middle of my curd, so. GOOD THING COOKING IS AN ART.
The real art is trying to find the ingredients of a recipe buried under literally thousands of unnecessary words . I swear to God, if by the end of quarantine we don’t AT LEAST update how SEO works for recipes, I will cease to believe our species is capable of any meaningful change.
I went to bed early-ish again and attempted to sleep and did not sleep until after 1am but that is to be expected OH WELL.
Sunday: UP AT 7:52. WE’RE GETTING THERE, FOLKS.
Got some gooood shit done. Dishes, laundry, general cleaning. LP mowed the lawn. I had a dance party in the kitchen while he was outside, and once again rued the lack of alone time I’ve had since December and probably will have until mid-2021. But it was good to get it out of my system for a hot minute, yo. Maybe one of these days he’ll LEAVE-leave during my off hours and I can get the shit done that I really, really struggle to focus on when someone else is around.
MAYBE. But if not, I’ll continue to deal.
Took a walk (to buy cigarettes lol it doesn’t count), then video chatted with Other City Coworker as he got stoned for the first time since college.
IT WAS FUN. I’m glad he did not have A Bad Time. He was cautious and took it easy, didn’t wind up supes stoned. We watched Monster Factory and he almost choked to death twice from laughing too hard while trying to drink water. God DAMN why are the McElroys so funny. WHY. HOW. HOW ARE THEY THE FUNNIEST OF ALL LIVING HUMANS.
LP made dinner, I mulched our tomato garden area and listened to Punch Up the Jam which I forgot is as funny as it is. (But not as funny as I want it to be. MY STANDARDS HAVE BECOME TOO HIGH, Y’ALL.)
My Dad Wrote a Porno still destroys every ounce of my body. Holy fuck it never stops being funny. I’M ALMOST CAUGHT UP which is sad, but I never listened to the Footnotes episodes so at least I still have that to tide me over.
Then LP and I watched a hummingbird documentary and another one about swarms.
Went to bed at 11. Asleep by 11:32pm. Up at 7:37am. GAINED 15 MINUTES LOL. I’M WORKING ON IT, OKAY.
Productive all morning!!! Flagging now because I spent an hour writing this. SORRY IT’S SO LONG.
It’s funny what not drinking every night can do for a person’s mental health lol loll lolo olo lol olo lolo lol I’m a fucking genius.
I had three drinks at Zelda and Zardoz’s, but nothing else since last Monday and it helps. Booze-ohol may put me to sleep faster/easier than… NOT drinking, but even if I’m not hungover the next day, I still just feel… not as good. Emotionally drained.
Wowowow consuming a poisonous depressant depresses you. Another astounding realization from Jessica “Idiot” Dwarf.
The novelty of giving a shit will wear off, as it always does. I’ll backslide, catch myself moments before the point of no return, and spend a few weeks lifting myself out of the hole until I inevitably fall back in. Over and over and over and over until I die. C’EST LA VIE, BEH-BEEEEEE.
But I need to learn to appreciate the upswings. AND to appreciate them simply for what they are–temporary but valuable. Just like my fucklationships of the last two years; they ended in varying degrees of heartbreak, but I still remember and appreciate the experiences and memories. (When I’m not in self-pity mode. Which I am often. ESPECIALLY WHEN I’M DRINKING LOL.)
That’s it for me now, folks. Back to kinda working and kinda self-congratulating for my productive weekend. BYE BYE BYEEEEEEEE oh fuck I almost forgot a poem
Welp, I burst into tears after reading this and again while transcribing it, so let’s go with this one.
In memoriam of CB
The week you went, I burnt a hole
in your latest Christmas scarf. I didn’t feel
the flame touch, and for a while
thought something had amassed there, until
I slipped a doubting finger, and recoiled.
And now will come the long unraveling
of all your gifts–the trusty socks and tea towels;
the cardigans; the rug you were in the middle
of knitting (at my request). It shall be gradual.
Everything, slowly, more hole than material.
- Penny Boxall
Last updated July 06, 2020