HI, EVERYONE. I HAVE A PIZZA HANGOVER AND I REGRET NOTHING.
Seriously I ate so much fucking food last night fuck. And watched a hundred million hours of Supernatural and it was probably what I needed but I still don’t like having that much Supernatural floating in my brain. IT’S NOT A VERY GOOD SHOW.
So many fuckin’ dreams lately. About people I don’t want to have dreams about. Gahd.
Had a dream where I had a threesome with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Two people I have never been attracted to LOL. (Well, when I was a tween I had a brief Tom Cruise phase I guess. LOVE ME AN EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE COCKY WHITE DUDE. God i hate myself)
Thankfully the actual sex was skipped over; it was just me getting out of their bed like “that was fun but i gotta go, I have brunch plans with Jon Hamm” YES THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED IN MY DREAM. BRUNCH WITH JON HAMM. ANOTHER PERSON I HAVE NEVER BEEN ATTRACTED TO.
Like what the fuck brain, did you just go through the Rolodex of every celebrity I haven’t thought about in 5+ years?
Also had a dream that Rochester and I were being flirtatious, then decided not to follow through because it would obviously hurt MQ. But I was sitting in his lap during the conversation about not crossing boundaries lol whoops. THAT’S TOTALLY PLATONIC, RIGHT? SITTING IN SOMEONE’S LAP WHILE YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR MUTUAL ATTRACTION?
Ugh I wish it was. I’d do that shit all the time IRL.
Anyway, of course even my fucking dream brain is respectful of MQ’s feelings. OF COURSE IT IS.
Y’all remember Soap Opera Doctor? Well, at least I know why this dream happened. My phone is running out of space so I was deleting old screenshots, and came across screenshots of his attempts to explain that he really really really liked me, and felt bad about ditching me over and over, and promised to do better. (Which he obviously did not, and in fact fully ghosted me shortly after that. CLASSIC.)
I didn’t read the fuckin’ things but just seeing them reminded me of his existence. And two days later I have a dream where he is dating someone else, AND me again, and treating her well but continuing to sideline me.
I got angry at him for saying all the things to her that he should have said to me. And he offered me money to make up for it. LOL. I was like “I don’t want your money (although I secretly did want his money) I just want you to acknowledge how shitty you were” and he did, and it didn’t help, and I got drunk in the work bathroom, which didn’t help either.
DREAMS, EH? WHO NEEDS ‘EM.
However much I’d love to rely exclusively on internal self-validation, the complete lack of external validation in my life is having an impact on my self-esteem, which is probably partially why these dreams are happening. Like, none of them are horny; they’re more about the lead-up, the flirtation, the feeling of being desired.
It’s weird living with someone who says I’m cute all the time but largely isn’t interested in sex. And I’ve lost my interest too because, idk, feeling desired is a major part of attraction for me. And so is intellectual stimulation, which is just… not really a part of our relationship. Something I need to figure out at some… other time BUT NOT RIGHT NOW IT’S TOO FUCKIN MUCH.
I know the best response to this would be to finally start working on NOT NEEDING other people to tell me my worth, to further divorce my self-esteem from my sexual desirability. But, fuck dude, that was hard enough BEFORE a pandemic. Am I really gonna successfully solve a problem that has haunted me my entire adult life, at a time when it’s challenging just to get up in the mornings? And to, yanno, NOT get blackout drunk just to fall asleep at night?
PROBABLY FUCKIN’ NOT.
But I can’t get the external validation I want, so I have to do SOMETHING.
Maybe I’ll start an Instagram thirst trap account.
Lol lol lol I will not do that THERE IS NO WAY THAT WOULD MAKE MY SELF-ESTEEM BETTER INSTEAD OF WORSE.
Re: SOD offering me money in the dream. Upon waking, I realized that’s something my dad does. I suspect he gets so dark in his head, hates himself so much, that he doesn’t think anything he says or does could possibly make up for what a shitty person he’s been, so he throws money at people instead. He’s done it to me, he did it with one (or two?) ex-fiancées, and he did it to his ex-wife after he emotionally cheated on her and disappeared for months.
Everyone is always like “we just want you to talk to us, stay engaged, be the person you weren’t in the past” but he shame spirals, guilt-avoids, and then tries to fill the void he left with money. Thus increasing feelings of abandonment, which further increases his unwillingness to face consequences, and the cycle continues forever. Mo’ problems, mo’ money. That must be his motto.
My dad also doesn’t, uh, HAVE money to give away. He is terrible with finances and landed himself in major debt after my mom left (who managed our budget). He and the ex-wife had to file for bankruptcy to get out from under his debt, which he’d largely accumulated via giving money to people instead of being there for them. And then he did the same thing to her after the divorce lol lol lol lol. “SORRY I RUINED YOUR CREDIT, MADE YOU FILE FOR BANKRUPTCY AND THEN LEFT YOU FOR ANOTHER WOMAN. WOULD YOU PERHAPS LIKE SOME MONEY???? TOO LATE I ALREADY MAILED IT TO YOU WITHOUT CALLING OR EVEN TELLING YOU I’M STILL ALIVE LOL BYE FOREVER.”
I still remember the day he called my sibling. It was after he dropped off the face of the planet for months, and Sibling had to call his trucking company just to confirm he hadn’t died.
And then he called. It was… a holiday of some sort. Thanksgiving, maybe? He explained to Sibling that he’d mailed his cell phone back to his wife (after wracking up $700 of overages on their joint account via talking to another woman) and couldn’t get hold of us.
Sibling was not having this bullshit. Why didn’t you get a burner phone? Also you are a truck driver, pay phones still exist at truck stops? You couldn’t even write a fucking letter? You couldn’t buy a fucking stamp and MAIL US A POSTCARD SAYING YOU’RE ALIVE?????
My dad’s answer, over and over, was “I don’t know.” He refused to acknowledge that he’d made a choice. that he didn’t want to talk to us because he was ashamed of his choices. He just… said he didn’t have a phone and “I don’t know”ed every other option presented. Avoidance and cognitive dissonance are family traits. We’re fuckin’ experts.
He also hung up without asking to talk to me, even though he knew I was in the room the whole time. Ha ha. Thanks, Dad. Happy holidays to you too.
It’s not surprising that I get sucked into relationships with people who over-promise and under-deliver. It’s the model of love I was raised with. Say you love someone; say they are Very Important to You and you would Love to See Them More; realize you’re not that into them/too selfish to treat them well; disappear out of guilt; and then idk, maybe mail them money some time? Or not? Maybe just tell yourself it’s not your fault because Mental Illness, block their number and pretend it never happened?
MQ doing nearly the same thing, even after I told him I was fucked up from the SOD situation, is even worse. “That’s a terrible thing for someone to do and I’d never do that to you WHOOPS I DID IT TO YOU LIKE 3 MONTHS LATER LOL.”
Turns out it’s abandonment all the way down. Probably best not to even tell the next person about the previous two, lest they feel ultra pressured to not be shitty and and it causes them to be even shittier than anyone who came before.
Uh anyway I spilled tea on my laptop keyboard the other day and now some of the keys are sticking so I’ma power down and try to clean this shit. GOODBYE FOR NOW.
(The following poem is a play on this famous poem btw. I assume most people know it, but then again most people probably assume I know how to locate Europe on a map. So.)
I fucking depended on you and
you left the fucking wheelbarrow
out and it’s fucking raining
and now the white chickens
are fucking filthy
by Mary Ruefle
Last updated June 29, 2020