• June 26, 2020, 10:45 p.m.
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I planted tomato plants and they’re not dead. Two of them even have FLOWERS on them.

Most of the other plants are dead. But probably only because it took me way way way too long to plant them. They sat in their stupid containers for weeks as I dug a lot of holes. It turns out moving several inches of dirt out of spaces that are several feet wide is very hard and takes a lot of time and produces a lot of dirt I now have no idea what to do with. “No wonder there is always free dirt on Craigslist,” I thought as I moved a whole lot of dirt into a trash can that quickly became too heavy to move because of all the dirt in it.

Anyway, there are now a lot of dirt in piles on our yard, several dead plants, and four living tomato plants. And two living pepper plants! So I guess there’s that.

Oh, and a couple zucchini plants are holding on for dear life. But all of our herbs are Post Toasties.

“Our.” I mean. I guess I shouldn’t make them “our” plants when it was my laziness/lack of perspective on how long it takes to move dirt that led to their deaths. But he picked them out at the store, SO.

“HE COULD HAVE PLANTED THEM!” Yeah, but. It was kind of My Thing. He said if I needed help I could just tell him what to do, but I didn’t because I didn’t want help. I wanted to play in the dirt and listen to Hello from the Magic Tavern and exist on my own without interruption. And it was nice! It was really, really nice. And there is so much yard, you guys. SO MUCH FUCKIN’ YARD. If I wanted to play in the dirt and grass for 16 hours a day, I could do that all summer and still never run out of dirt to play with.

But we won’t live here forever–probably no more than a couple years–and the sunk cost fallacy might hold me back from finding a new place when the time comes. So I should probably limit my yard time to garden-y stuff. Things that will pay off in more than just an aesthetic way.

What happens when we abolish all prisons?

Don’t answer that; I need to read a book or seven.

I’m not in the mood for The Seriousness today.

I bought a new vape. It comes with a lanyard so I can WEAR my vape and NEVER BE WITHOUT MY VAPE.

(vape culture is the worst culture prove me wrong)

(shit i forgot about keto culture, must reconsider)

I still smoke, FYI. I just vape, too. I will take in all the nicotine in every way possible until I die from it. (jk jk jk jk i’ll stop one day BUT NOT TODAY.)

Awwww shit, when was the last time I mentioned Girlcrush? I used to work with her and I immediately fell in love with her, and when I say GirlCrush I mean the largely platonic kind ALTHOUGH SHE IS VERY PRETTY AND FUNNY AND IT’S NOT ALWAYS 100% PLATONIC.

Anyhoo she was also Very Toxic to work with, which I learned slowly over time. She was a shit talker and tended toward very black and white thinking. If you did something she didn’t like, you were instantly A Bad. But if you did something she liked, even after years of being A Bad in her eyes, she may suddenly decide you are A Good.

After watching her do this with multiple coworkers, I struggled to stay friends with her. I always wondered when it would happen to me, when I would make the fatal mistake that triggered her to decide I was A Bad and start talking shit about me in every room I wasn’t in.

But it never happened!!!!!! AS FAR AS I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!

Big Brother and I had virtual HH with her last night and I forgot how much I like her. She also seems to have developed a stronger understanding of–or at least willingness to acknowledge–nuance, which makes it easier to know her.

I wonder if this is, in part, because she moved from a company she thought was Good to one she previously thought was Bad, because they offered her like 3X her salary.

At first, this led to her arguing constantly with Big Brother to convince him that our company is Secretly Bad and her company is Secretly Good despite looking Very Bad from the outside.

Now, it seems she understands that there is no such thing as a Good or Bad company; companies do things and some of those things are helpful and some aren’t.

Her company can do some Good Things with the massive piles of money they earn from being a for-profit healthcare company. But they are a for-profit healthcare company which is arguably Bad.

Our company sometimes offers substandard products and care because we do not have massive piles of money, and that is sometimes Bad. But we also don’t make massive piles of money from exploiting people’s medical needs, which is arguably Good.

Anyway, I sat outside in a lawn chair and drank a half-assed cocktail, and accidentally gave good parenting advice via a story about dad, and was forced to acknowledge that I’ve said a lot of nice things about my dad lately. And I wonder if that’s partially because of Father’s Day or my birthday or because I check his Facebook more often these days to make sure he hasn’t died from COVID. But it makes me want to write about the good things, one of these days. There were a lot of them.

I think I had to stop thinking of the good things for a long time. I worshiped him for many years, and the only way I could emotionally separate from his actions was to constantly remind myself of every bad thing he did and forget all the good ones. It turns out I’m also bad with nuance, and if I wanted him to stop being a hero I had to make him a villain.

But maybe now he can be both. A good dad and a bad dad; a caring person and a hurtful person; a narcissist and an empath.

LP started studying again today. That’s pretty neat.

Last updated June 26, 2020

rhizome June 26, 2020

i think we all learned a very important lesson today on the density of dirt.

everyone has complexity, but if they hurt you to your core, it's a lot easier to imagine they're an evil monster. that's what i do with josh and michelle: straight into the dumpster. do i also know that they both have good qualities? sure. but i'm still so angry and hurt, i'd rather not think about that.

CountingStars June 26, 2020

I actually was having some slow-building guilt about cutting my mom out. The bad fades and then you see people having good relationships and it's like, "maybe I can do that...?" In the past few months I had actually been wondering if maybe I should reach out.

And then Steven's ex started all her shit and it so instantly reminded me of everything she did while I was growing up, and it erased any desire I had to try and fix things there.

Also, I kill every plant I touch. No idea how I've kept so many kids alive for so long. Someone once gave me an aloe plant as a thank you gift, and apparently they are almost impossible to kill. Put it in my window sill above my kitchen sink, ended up closing the blinds at some point, forgot it was there, and discovered its carcass about 5 months later when I finally reopened the blinds.

Congrats on at least a partial success. I really think it's harder than most people make it look.

mrsckugs June 27, 2020

Chunt Please!

One Angry Dwarf mrsckugs ⋅ June 28, 2020

Hahahah, YES!

I kinda ruined the podcast for myself by listening to way too much at once, and they get SO heavy on the callbacks and catch phrases that I got sick of it. But I dropped it for a few months and when I picked it back up it was hilarious again.

mrsckugs One Angry Dwarf ⋅ June 28, 2020

I've met them and been to the live shows twice now. They are all super freaking nice.

Yours For Now... June 27, 2020

I thought about my dad in a Maybe I Should Reach Out Kinda Way in the last few weeks too. Maybe there’s a planet in retrograde or whatever.

SugarJade June 28, 2020

Moving dirt is the worst and there's almost no task that makes me feel more like a weak failure of a physical being.

But, other than that really crucial part, I love gardening! It's kept me from killing my family even more than usual, this year.

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