Freedom in Staying Connected

  • June 20, 2020, 1:38 a.m.
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  • Public

This week has been a pretty good week.

I finished I Know This Much is True on HBO, and man it was good. The main character, played by Mark Ruffalo, goes through so much trauma and bullshit. I cried so much. It felt so good. It made me wonder what I would do if my life suddenly were hit with tragedy, and oddly enough, the thought was freeing. Something about giving up is almost just as satisfying as continuing to fight. Sometimes I even fantasize about it.

Of course, I don’t want my life to be a tragedy. But knowing that the worse case scenario would be livable is liberating. It’s like, no matter what happens, I know I’ll find the strength. I’ll find a way.

At work, I’ve gotten the feedback from my boss on multiple occasions now that I need to use my own feelings to navigate my sessions with clients. The message there is that I’m not doing a sufficient job of navigating my own feelings. But my last therapy appointment was so powerful. My inner critic has calmed down and instead there is an inner cheerleader telling me that it’s okay to not be perfect. I’m showing up. I’m doing my best. I’m helping these people, and I’m growing all the time. These thoughts make receiving constructive criticism way more palatable.

I shared in group supervision an experience I had with a client who asked me why bad things happen to some people and not to others. I told my colleagues how caught off guard I was and asked what they would say if a client asked them that question. The response I got was wishy-washy, and then when I said that the best thing I could come up with on the spot was to say, “I don’t have an answer. But one thing I do know is that when it is a child that bad things are happening to, it’s never the child’s fault,” I immediately saw the approving facial expressions of everyone else, and my boss said, “Rose, that’s the perfect answer.” I’d be lying if I said that external validation didn’t feel damn good.

The next day, in triadic supervision, my boss told me and my colleague that we are her “favorite triadic.” My first thought was, you’re just blowing smoke up our asses. But another part of me wants to believe that she meant it. Again, the external validation was a really nice ego boost.

I know external validation isn’t everything, but I’m choosing to enjoy it right now. Plus, I’m giving myself a pat on the back for effectively quieting my inner critic.

I just wish my desire to smoke and drink weren’t so damn strong, even in the wake of all this good stuff.

Until next time <3

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