• May 28, 2020, 3:12 p.m.
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Not sure why I’m updating daily again when NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS but oh well lol DEAL WITH IT.

I have my training for the volunteer calls tonight. I already got assigned a list of 10 people to call and I’m gonna have to get it done by Sunday 9PM.

I’m glad I signed myself up for this because fuck dude. Doing something is good. And I know this isn’t the kind of thing I’ll slack on because PEOPLE ARE DEPENDING ON ME TO GET MONEY THEY NEED TO FEED THEIR GODDAMN FAMILIES, this is not like meeting minutes where if I procrastinate to the last second it just means they’re slightly shittier. Nope, this is directly affecting people’s lives. I may be a lazy, anxiety-avoidant fucko but not with something like this.

My coworker who took the training yesterday said they mostly just go over the call script line by line, but she also said you should expect people to get emotional. I am… absolutely going to be a mess. Haha. LP said he’d buy us more tissues. GOOD CALL.

I also need to google like half these names to make sure I’m not pronouncing them TOO terribly wrong.

So, our company gives everyone 40 hours of volunteer pay. Basically if you volunteer at certain organizations (I think they have to be certified non- or not-for-profit) during work hours, you get paid your regular wage even though you’re not… working.

There is no way a quickly-thrown-together group of folks trying to get money to undocumented people fits within the parameters for this, but Boss told us we can use our volunteer hours anyway.

But I kinda don’t… want to…?

I know it’s fucking stupid but it just feels shittier to be like “yay I get points for giving a shit.” It’s never bothered me before because it’s usually our team going to a food bank or something and volunteering together, which feels more like a work outing with a side of volunteering. But somehow getting CREDIT for this one feels wrong.

But that is fucking dumb. Take the hours, Jess. You’re not helping anyone by making yourself a martyr for the cause. That’s some bullshit white savior crap, innit. Doesn’t matter if you get credit as long as the thing gets done, and REFUSING credit so you can feel better about yourself is just as stupid as begging for credit on social media. JUST DO THE THING THAT NEEDS DONE. IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU IT’S ABOUT THE THING GETTING DONE.
But this is my self-centered journal so I get to talk about my feelings here anyway. I’M GREAT.

The more I stare down the barrel of another whole-ass year of quarantine, the more I’m struggling to keep my spirits up. This weekend I’m gonna ask LP what he plans to do–if he’s gonna just jump back into the bar and restaurant industry and start working on coding at some later date.

Which, I think I’ll have to assume is “never.” Since he decided to learn coding four years before he started, and then only worked on it for a couple months before seemingly quitting again, if he puts it off again I can’t imagine him getting back to it very soon or at all.

I just need to know what his plan is so I can start working on my own mental/physical health NOW, as opposed to 6 months from now when I’m too dead inside to try at anything.

If he’s going back to work ASAP, then I’ll need to get a therapist ASAP, create a (flexible AF) exercise schedule, and create a rough outline of projects to focus on throughout the winter to keep from falling into a deep depression.

I will fall into a depression, haha. That’s… pretty much a guarantee. But I can mitigate the damage if I really, REALLY prepare myself.

I just need to find a way to ask him about this without sounding accusatory. Like, homie, I don’t want you to arbitrarily learn a thing you’re not that interested in just so you can ~ ReAcH yOuR pOteNtIaL ~. But it seems like you’ve stopped doing the thing, and I just need to know where you’re at so I can plan my own shit accordingly.

I wonder how long I can keep us afloat on my income? Like if he just needed a couple months of buffer to study and get a WFH coding job, could I keep us on track until then so he doesn’t have to go back to a bar and expose himself on the daily to a potentially deadly virus just to make ends meet?

I should probably start looking at those numbers before the convo, to see if I can even present it as a possibility. I don’t know how he’d feel about that, but he’s much less resistant to UpSeTtInG GeNdEr NoRmZ than the majority of men I’ve dated, so he might be okay with me taking the wheel for a while. (Especially considering if he DOES get a coding job, it’s practically a guarantee he’ll be making double my salary within a couple years. At which point I will be asking that bitch to buy me dinner ALL THE TIIIIIME.)

Alright, off to the… saunters, GOODBYE

Jigger May 28, 2020

If they offer you money, take the money. You might need it down the road. And if you don’t, you could always donate that, too.

If you frame this talk with LP as, you need to know what he’s going to do, so you can make your own plans, might that go better? If you really frame it is needing to solidify your own plans, would he take that as less accusatory?

Yours For Now... May 29, 2020

I’m a little lost on why asking him what his job plans are is...an issue. Like. Is he currently not working? Is he on unemployment? It seems like he should have voiced his plans to you, his live-in partner, ages ago and without prompting.

sarahbaby. May 29, 2020

Take the money! You’re more likely to keep at it if you get paid, which is better in the long run for this organization and the people it serves.

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