• May 19, 2020, 2:03 p.m.
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  • Public

I had to–well fuck me to death I VOLUNTEEEEEERED to–give my team’s update on this beefy call with like 60 folks, including most of our managers and a couple members of the C-suite. I had to give political updates that I barely understand.

Well, yanno, I… DON’T barely understand them. I actually… do, mostly. But my insecurity about my own intelligence makes me feel like I don’t know shit. Also my tendency to not listen during meetings that didn’t previously affect my job at all LOL WHOOPS.

I’m trying to take handwritten notes, as of uhhhh last Thursday lol. It is hard. But it forces me to pay attention.

Anyway I gave our updates on the call and got way too many messages/texts about how great I did. Which makes me think I looked super nervous and did a shitty job and they want to make me feel better LOL. Like when a kid brings a drawing home from preschool, you gotta put on the fridge, yanno? DO NOT CONDESCEND TO ME. I AM AN ADULT, I KNOW I DID MEDIOCRE AT BEST.

Or maybe I did fine lol it just feels like this is TOO much reassurance from people I don’t normally talk to. But it’s probably just because they’ve never seen me give the update before. And people who’ve known me longer than a second know I have a deep fear of public speaking and probably just want to make sure I don’t… DO EXACTLY WHAT I’M DOING RIGHT NOW and critique everything I said and did and feel like I fucked up even if I didn’t. Hahahaha.

As with literally all public speaking where I didn’t ABSOLUTELY BOMB, there is a feeling of elation and a desire to do more. Tempered by the, yanno, terror and all. But I think I could actually be Good if I tried. This is a reminder to jump out there and do more public stuff when the world is back in gear.

Reopening shit sure is a weird call, eh? I know, I know, the economy. It’s… Let’s not get into it. I WILL NOT GET INTO IT.

I’m just not a fan of the mixed messages. “Deaths are going down because we’re staying at home, that means it’s safe to go out!”

But then we’ll go back to dying more…?

“Well, yes. But… slower.

Sooooo I’m still gonna get it and maybe die.

“Yeah but we have, like, more ventilators and stuff. Which may actually make it worse LOL but jury’s still out on that so just get back to it!!!!”

Okay but even people on ventilators die a lot so if I’m one of the people who would have to be ventilated I’ll still maybe probably die?

”… Yeah, but you won’t DEFINITELY die like you would if ventilators weren’t available (unless they actually do make it worse which they might). Just, come on! Get out there! It’s safer!”

It is not safer. You JUST told me it’s not safer.


I keep finding myself in the trap of being like “oh the restrictions will be loosened soon stuff will go back to normal thank godddddd” and “oh right that’s a lie they’re telling us to get us back to work and off unemployment and they just want us to die slower over the course of a year or two instead of all at once.”

Which yeah. That will result in fewer deaths. Because hospitals will function properly if we get sick slower.

But damn dude. Going outside now does not mean you’re any less likely to get COVID than if you went out two months ago. It just means you’ll PROBABLY have a hospital bed to MAYBE die in. That DOES NOT MAKE ME FEEL SAFER AT ALL and IT SHOULDN’T BECAUSE IT’S NOT SAFE.

It’s just so fuckin’ hard to shut off the part of my brain that wants to blindly trust the rules when they align with what I want, which is to go outside and hang with my friends and chat with randos in bars and watch my boss get hit on by a guy from Portland who admits he went on a meth bender all weekend and wound up at a sex party THESE ARE THE INTERACTIONS I CRAVE. And when Government says “you can have those soon (even though you’ll still get COVID if you do)” my brain says YAY WE CAN HAVE THOSE SOON sorry what was that last part? Nvm, probably not important lol, the important thing is I’LL GET TO DO STUFF I WANT TO DO!!!!!!

Psychology is a REAL turd sometimes and it’s frustrating that working in healthcare and knowing The Real Facts doesn’t entirely shut down the denial/cognitive dissonance part of my brain that wants to bow to authority and feel safe because they tell me it’s safe (while also telling me it’s not safe).

I hate that my friends, as educated as they are–whether they want to be or not because YOU’RE FRIENDS WITH ME AND YOU’RE GONNA HEAR THE REAL SHIT, SORRY NOT SORRY– will likely bust out of their caves the moment they’re given the green light, and resent the fact that I may occasionally, POLITELY remind them that Legal and Moral are not synonyms.

Like, do your thing. Go out. Remember that your elective socialization may lead to more deaths. Remember that legality is not morality. And try, try your VERY BEST, to remember that under other circumstances you probably wouldn’t think it’s cool to risk other people’s lives just because the government says you can.

Except, yanno. These ARE the “other” circumstances. Most of our personal moral guidelines are based on thought experiments and what-ifs. (I guess those… mean the same thing. Shut up I’m tired)

Now we’re in the actual thing, and suddenly nothing feels so clear-cut. Suddenly it’s easy to convince ourselves to go to restaurants as soon as they’re open, because maybe the economy IS more important? Maybe there really is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY for the government to take care of folks if people in unnecessary jobs stay home, so we just HAVE to send them to their possible deaths so fewer people will die overall due to… running out of money? And stuff?

If you’re dealing with confusing societal structures like The Economy and Death Statistics and Supply Chains, it’s easy to decide the most pleasant option is also probably the morally correct one. There are so many Takes and unless you’re an expert in literally everything, you’re gonna have to rely on other people to tell you what’s right. And when every source is telling you a different thing, but the source that is in charge of our legal system says “go out and do stuff it’s fine,” you’re gonna default on that. Or default on whichever source says your life doesn’t have to suck as much as it has lately.

So here we are. Doing what we’ll almost certainly see, in hindsight, as the moment we all decided to let a bunch of people die so we can eat chicken wings in public again. But currently it feels like the right call, because we’ve been told the government simply CAN’T SAVE LIVES if the economy is fucked.


… Well this is not what I came here to talk about. Maybe I’ll post clothing pics and talk about masturbation in a FRIENDS ONLY entry later. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha BYE.

Last updated May 19, 2020

dickson. May 19, 2020

It’s… Let’s not get into it. I WILL NOT GET INTO IT.


Embrace_The_World_In_Gray dickson. ⋅ May 19, 2020

LOL I do the same THING!!!!!!

Yours For Now... May 19, 2020

Oof, I know. I'm pretty okay not going out right now. SC is pretty open already, which is terrifying, and TN, and people here in WNC are like "I've just been going there." WHAT WHY?? STOP. Luckily I live in a pretty progressive are of WNC, so most of my interactions/friend bubble are not goin out right away but, IMMEDIATELY surrounding my progressive bubble is a whoooooole lotta bumfuck and those people definitely want their Applebee's so. Guess we'll see?

girl in recession May 19, 2020

Yeahhhhh Texas is basically open. Bars are opening Friday I think?? I'm still not even going grocery shopping.

My aunt was taken off of the ventilator a couple of weeks ago. She thankfully recovered from COVID, but being on a ventilator fucks you up in ways you never ever ever ever want to experience.

She now has weeks if not months of occupational therapy to re-learn how to walk, eat, and talk. It's a fucked situation, but at least she's alive.

I will not be making plans to do anything (other than move ugh gotta do that) anytime soon.

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