no YOU read too much into animal crossing in HOW MANY PUBLIC BOOKS WILL I MAKE AND THEN EVENTUALLY PRIVATIZE

  • May 12, 2020, 8:11 p.m.
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I got about 3 hours of sleep and I want to die.


When I did finally sleep, I dreamed that I had a penis. And when I woke up, I realized it was modeled after MQ’s penis. (But uncircumcised.)

I’m sure this is fine and there is nothing psychologically wrong with me.


I kinda regret encouraging LP to play Animal Crossing because he only plays for “nook miles”–a portion of the game that hits the happy endorphin button by giving you points for menial tasks. They apparently become largely obsolete after a couple months playing, which I have told him, but he does not care because he likes the endorphin button.

Generally that wouldn’t matter, but the menial tasks it assigns you are often not helpful. So like. It says “plant flowers” and he plants them in random spots throughout the island. (Double annoying cos you can’t run through flowers without ruining them, so when they’re scattered everywhere it makes it hard to move around.) It says “plant a tree” and he plants it next to a wall or river where it won’t grow, so I gotta pull it up and move it when I play.

The one that’s bugging me right now is that I’m tryna do a garden thing, which involves growing hybrid flowers n stuff, and if you water them every day they’re more likely to bring rare bugs and grow hybrids. He’ll get assigned the “water flowers” task, but it only asks you to water 8 flowers to get the points (and I have like, idk, 50 or 60 now?) so he’ll water 8 and then literally discard the watering can next to the rest of the unwatered flowers, I guess to free up inventory so he can go do something else more efficiently?

So every time I play, I have to (A) stare at the flowers to see which ones are intermittently glittering and therefore have been watered, which is harder than it sounds, and (B) pick up the tools he’s thrown on the ground around my flower beds.

Also. You can bury money in a golden hole (shut up lol) and it grows into a money tree and gives you money. You can do this up to 10,000 Fake Dollars, but if you bury over $10K and there is no guarantee it will work. Before I knew this I dropped $20K in there and told him it was an experiment I was trying.

A few days later I log on to sell his turnips. (I… am not gonna bother to explain this lol but essentially there is a stock market and because I’m the one in the Facebook group where folks track prices, I’m the one who buys and sells his turnips for him. I didn’t really… mean to sign up for this but like, I’m buying and selling mine so it’s not much extra effort to do his too....?)

(this is a lie, stocks stress me out and sometimes he doesn’t wanna sell his at the same price I sell mine so I have to keep checking the FB group even after I’m done so he can get a good price YES I KNOW I SIGNED MYSELF UP FOR EMOTIONAL LABOR OVER A VIDEO GAME FOR NO FUCKING REASON LOL I’M GREAT.)

I lost my train of thought I am very tired.

Anyway I logged on specifically to rush over to someone’s island and sell our turnips. I saw my money tree had money bags on it, but didn’t make time to grab them.

I sell our ‘nips and start doing my real-life workjob, and he plays for a few hours.

Later I see the money is gone and I’m like “oh, so my money tree worked? The $20,000 one?”

“Yep!”

”…So it produced a total of $60,000.”

“Yep!”

”.........can I have some of them, or…?”

”… Sure.”

Like literally why. Would you steal. My money. When all I do. Is give you shit. In this game. And sell your stocks. And do all this other stuff. And then not even mention that you took it AND THEN WHEN I MENTION IT YOU STILL MAKE ME ASK FOR SOME OF MY OWN MONEY.

It’s funny, cos these “emotional labor” things do not happen around our actual real-life house. I don’t feel like he’s being lazy and doing whatever he wants and tricking me into managing things or doing more than my share of the work. If anything, I’m the slackah ass slackah around the house. He cooks more and cleans more, I leave my laundry in the goddamn dryer for weeks at a time. My nightstand is a hot mess and his has the same 4 objects on his at all times. Like. He does not act this way IRL. (Except with… the labor of necessary relationship communication lol, but THAT’S A DIFFERENT STORY.)

It’s just funny, cos I see y’all dealing with slacking partners who don’t seem to understand that “if you want me to do something just tell me” still puts more of the onus on you to manage the household, and I’ve been here like “dang he’s not like that at all, that must be really hard I’m so lucky I don’t have that fight all the time,” but then he turns into an asshole in a chill animal video game. LOL.

The main thing is that I want my island to not look like shit, but I have to spend some of my (limited, because I work during the day) play time cleaning up his messes on top of figuring out which stuff he only half-finished because he stopped when it was no longer incentivized by points.

I WANT A PRETTY ISLAND, GODDAMMIT. It can be a challenge to build a pretty island with just one player in the game, but he plays 4 hours a day and somehow only makes it HARDER FOR ME TO MAKE A COOL ISLAND than if I were the only one playing.

He also takes all the bamboo if he gets to it first (which he almost always does because I HAVE A JOB) even though when I collect the bamboo I’ve been giving him half.

He’s also started planting all the new sprouts in “his” yard to make it feel like I’m stealing “his” bamboo LOL GOD THIS IS A LOT OF COMPLAINING ABOUT ANIMAL CROSSING HOLY SHIT JESS GET A REAL COMPLAINT FOR ONCE.

A couple weeks ago he was on a video call with his friends and I heard him say “my girlfriend is playing animal crossing, so lately I’ve been helping her out with that” lol lol lollllll sorry you can’t admit to liking a dumb baby game for ladies, but you actually play probably 4 times more than I do and “help” me zero percent, even in the small ways I asked you to, like WATERING THE FUCKING FLOWERS IF I DON’T HAVE TIME THAT DAY. EVEN WHEN IT WON’T GIVE YOU POINTS. POINTS THAT BARELY FUCKING MATTER EVEN IN THE GAME.

I know I have put absolutely no one on LP’s side with recent entries, and this certainly won’t help. I wasn’t complaining about him for the longest time because, idk, none of this shit MATTERED when I had OTHER THINGS IN MY LIFE. For almost all of the last year and a half, he’s just been a cool dude to hang out with. But then we MOVED IN TOGETHER, and he changed jobs so he was ALWAYS THERE, and then QUARANTINE IMMEDIATELY HAPPENED and now I have absolutely nothing else to focus on and it’s terrible for everyone and I need out of this FUCKING HOUSE.

I just want to GO TO THE OFFICE and LISTEN TO PEOPLE TELL BAD JOKES and GET DRUNK WITH MY BOSS and AWKWARDLY TRY TO END CONVERSATIONS WITH BOMBSHELL THAT HAVE GONE ON 30 MINUTES LONGER THAN EITHER OF US WANTED and just do… anything… that isn’t wish my boyfriend was nicer to me in Animal Crossing. (And wasn’t, you know, lying to me about his communications with women. Lol. What an aaaaaaaawesome month it’s been.)

WAAAAAAAH WAH WAH MY LIFE OF A STEADY JOB IN A HOUSE WITH A PARTNER WHO ONLY FAILS TO CARRY HIS WEIGHT IN A VIDEO GAME IS SOOOOOOO HARD. I’m perfectly healthy and at no risk of starvation or eviction WAAAAAHHHHH.


Wanna know some other cool news? I have to re-sign a year lease this week. Haaaaaahahahaha. What beautiful, perfect, lovely timing. Can’t move right now (Well–teeeeeechnically could but holy SHIT that would be… an intense challenge I don’t have the energy for), can’t talk about my relationship problems until I have somewhere else to go if it blows up in my face, and can’t put off this lease-signing any longer so I GUESS I LIVE WITH LP FOR A YEAR NO MATTER HOW OUR EVENTUAL CONVERSATION ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS GOES.

Again: not a big deal by comparison to the problems faced by almost every other living human on planet Earth. But still just… unpleasant to think about.

My only saving grace may be starting work on some other shit in my life. Just to… focus my attention elsewhere. Anywhere but where it is currently focused.

Maybe it’s FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINALLY time to get JACKED like I’ve been saying I’ll do this whole time, lol.

K BYE FOR NOW.


Last updated May 12, 2020


girl in recession May 12, 2020

Bf and I have to move in the next 30-60 days or so and I know its a pandemic but shits gotta happen anyways. Yay looking for new houses to live in during a pandemic! WOOHOO! Uugh.

I think its cute and hilarious that he wouldn't admit to his friends that HE was playing Animal Crossing.

One Angry Dwarf girl in recession ⋅ May 12, 2020

I would potentially find it cute if he wasn't claiming he was helping me while also outright refusing to help me, lol

rhizome May 13, 2020

jess, nook miles will get you all the top hairstyles and OBVIOUSLY that is of utmost importance.

seriously though, why to all of this.
pick up your fucking trash and sell it to timmy before i cut you.

Yours For Now... May 13, 2020

Animal Crossing sounds like a cuter/more modern version of Stardew Valley, which I've played until I'm kinda bored. I thought about jumping on the bandwagon though. We'll see.

rhizome May 13, 2020

ok srs question though — does running through flowers ruin them? because ive been doing that a lot and i haven’t noticed anything yet.

One Angry Dwarf rhizome ⋅ May 13, 2020

Only if you're doing the full tilt holding-B run, and only if you run through the same flower three times in one day. It doesn't totes ruin them, it just makes the petals fly away and they don't grow back till the next day.

rhizome One Angry Dwarf ⋅ May 13, 2020

oh! i did not know how to fast-run, so.

also, i sent you a very classy decoration this morning! if LP is opening your mail, please remind him that that is a FEDERAL OFFENSE and that he could be ARRESTED

One Angry Dwarf rhizome ⋅ May 13, 2020

OMG I almost sent you a FB message about it because I am making a Twin Peaks room and it is literally perfect for it because Twin Peaks was all about the animal heads on walls?!?

Actually the log chair you sent me also works for a Twin Peaksy vibe BUT I GAVE IT TO ONE OF MY ANIMAL FRIENDS. (That's fine though because now that I have owned one I can order it any time from the cataloggggguuueeeee)

I SENT YOU SOMETHING ALSO, i got it in a sky present and was like "dang there is one person who needs this the mostest."

hold-B running is great and I do it a lotsies because I'm impatient, but it also ruins flowers and scares away bugs and fishies if you run too close to them. TRADEOFFFFFS

rhizome One Angry Dwarf ⋅ May 14, 2020

a science experiment set??? this is the most exciting thing that’s ever happened to meeeee, thank you!

i’ll keep an eye out for more goth-vibe items 4 u

One Angry Dwarf rhizome ⋅ May 14, 2020

Yasssssss! I have a couple more Science Things that I will mail you over the next few days, PREPARE YOURSELF.

(It's nice to give stuff to someone who just started playing! I started later than most of my friends and everyone gave me stuff and I had nothing to give back and IT WILL BE SUPER FUN TO PAY IT FORWARD)

damienne May 13, 2020

Listen, I was doing a pretty good job on not judging your man until I read about how he plays Animal Crossing. I started playing like a week ago, it's my first AC game ever-ever-ever, and even I know that he is behaving sinfully.
PS I happened to land on a scorpion island last night and isn't it funny how the cute calm animal game literally turns into a 90's era fixed camera angle survival horror game the moment you realize you're on Isle of the Scorpos?

One Angry Dwarf damienne ⋅ May 13, 2020

OH SWEET HEAVENS I DO NOT WANT TO LAND ON A SCORPION ISLAND. I saw just ONE of them the other night and it scared the shit out of me. And it stung me and I passed out and came out of my house and there was COINCIDENTALLY ANOTHER ONE RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY DOOR AND IT STUNG ME TOO.

ALSO i will give you my friend code as soon as I... find it again fuck why do I never save it anywhere!!! FOREWARNING I WILL SEND YOU WEIRD STUFF IN THE MAIL BECAUSE THAT IS HOW I DO

damienne One Angry Dwarf ⋅ May 14, 2020

That story is even fucking better than watching Griffin McElroy's live stream on day 1 of the game where he got bodied by the tarantulas like 4 times.
Friend me!!! 6255 8667 5595
I assume you have all your fruits and the tailor's shop by now, but, if I have crazy turnip prices I'll letcha know.

One Angry Dwarf damienne ⋅ May 14, 2020

Holy shit where was I when Griffin McElroy was streaming animal crossing and why is this my biggest regret of quarantine, SHIT.

I do indeed have those things, but will also let you know if cray turnip prices occur!

Jigger May 14, 2020

Animal crossing sounds like one big metaphor.

Kick him off your island.

I may mean that metaphorically. I may not.

Serilen May 15, 2020

so I was about to ask if you could both play the game but have separate islands or something because it's not cool that he can't respect your space like that and you should have somewhere that's yours and----- and then a big ol' yacht named METAPHOR hit me in the face just as I turned to notice it and I'm dead now.

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