I talked to my therapist last night. I told her how I’ve been thinking of “I” and “J.” (I feel like I have to use the quotation marks because “I” just looks confusing by itself, haha). The thoughts about J are the ones that worry me. She asked me what I would say if I reached out to him, and I said I would tell him congratulations. Upon further reflection I realized that, whatever it is that I want to get out of the situation, it can’t take place in my current reality. It’s more of a fantasy. Like, I want to go back in time to a place where I am not married, but I don’t want to, like, end my marriage. I just want to have those good feelings that I associate with past memories.
This, of course, led to questions about what is going on with my marriage now. I guess it’s this feeling that my husband and I are disconnected, and I’ve made piss poor attempts to connect with him, primarily by being mean and passive aggressive, throwing digs his way on a regular basis, and he’s just dismissed all of my attempts. My therapist suggested that maybe I want my husband to get mad at me, and I instantly got teary-eyed. It’s like that is my dysfunctional way of trying to get his attention—like a little boy tormenting a little girl on a playground because he likes her (and I’m the boy).
My therapist encouraged me to schedule a time to talk to my husband. When I was done talking to her, I came out of the bedroom and told my husband I’d like to do that. He got annoyed with me and it took everything in me to not completely shut down. I asked him if he’d noticed me throwing digs his way lately, and he said no. I tried to explain that even that makes me feel like he doesn’t notice me. I’m really stressed out right now and I just need to feel like he’s there, and I don’t. I told him that when I look at him, there is literally a 50% chance that he’ll be looking at his phone. It’s A LOT of the time.
At first he got really defensive, and, again, it just made me want to shut down. I kind of did. I just thought to myself, “Well, I did my part. I told him what’s going on with me. I can’t make him respond in any certain way.” After a few minutes of silence, he just said, “Okay. I’ll try to be more attentive.” I told him in a very calm way that the only reason I was bringing any of this up is because I care about him, and I don’t want anything bad to happen to our marriage.
He gave me a long hug at the end of the night, and he snuggled me more than usual. I appreciated it.
However, I also had a dream about another ex, P. P was someone many of you probably remember, who I had about a year-long, relatively hot and steamy fling with during my motorcycle stage. So P was there in the dream, and, just like the dream with “I,” it would be difficult to explain what happened in the dream, but the feeling was one of excitement. At a certain point I was awoken from the dream to the sound of my baby whimpering on the baby monitor, and as I tried to fall back asleep it was like I was trying to find P again. I just wanted that feeling back. Then, instead of finding him, I suddenly realized that I had left my wedding ring on the floor of an elevator, and when I went back for it, it was gone. So I spent the second half of the dream freaking out that I’d lost my wedding ring.
I found it before I woke up. But still. It doesn’t take Freud to tell you where my heart is at.
Until next time <3
Last updated March 25, 2020