juniper ⋅ 24

Grad school, understanding a non-vegan world, too much Netflix, not enough gym time, lots of cat snuggles, miss my dog, live music at bars, depression via alcohol, loving partner, bi-confused.

"I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand."

Confucius

Entries 26

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im having an anxiety attack sitting here trying to work at the coffee shop still. like what if he never texts me? what if he really doesnt care and he doesnt want to work on things and he wants t...


3 days ago

i'm staying. away. in Now

welp, i found a place to stay tonight. with someone from couchsurfing.com. this guy works at a hospital where i used to work and he lives in the city pretty central to everything. only bummer is ...


3 days ago

I left in Now

Yesterday in the late afternoon I showered, packed up my things for a few days of travel, and left the apartment. I didn’t text E and tell him. We haven’t communicated since Tuesday night. He has...


We finally had a decent conversation last night. He was still playing games the whole time, but that was okay.. I guess. He shared with me about his day. He didn’t ask me anything about my day. I...


6 days ago

It’s over? in Now

So I tried to talk to E last night. I wasn’t planning on it but he was so rude to me when I was trying to say goodnight (first time we had spoken all day because I stayed out until almost 9pm and...


June 22, 2018

Alone Time in Now

So E’s been gone since Tuesday morning, and it is now Friday. I could do anyyyything I want today and tonight. The possibilities give me excitement. I went to the gym yesterday. I could do that a...


June 20, 2018

E’s Illness in Now

So today at 6am our time, E arrived in China. He said the flight was really long, he couldn’t sleep on it at all, and so by the time they landed after 1 whole day of travel, he had been up for ba...


June 07, 2018

Finding peace in Now

Struggling with loss. ” When you are fiercely angry or feeling joy beyond description, when you are at an impasse, not knowing what to do, when you are in terror or running for your life, know th...


May 30, 2018

I just buried a friend in Now

I just buried a friend. A friend of more than 10 years. I want to strip away all the dirt, reach my hand down, and pet his head one more time. I’m so sad he’s gone. I’m so sad he got sick. It wa...


May 10, 2018

night terrors in Now

I have night terrors every so often of my pets dying. Especially my dog. It sounds weird, but I think she’s like actually my best friend. Idk. And so I dream that something terrible has happened ...


i don’t really understand death, or how it works, what happens… i don’t think anyone really does. it bears repeating, but i feel like every day is a struggle right now. i wish the cat wasn’t dyin...


May 08, 2018

Every day is a challenge in Now

every day it’s been hard. every morning i try to wake up early to work before i have to go to school. then im busy all day. then i have to see the horse and treat her, and then i go spend time wi...


May 02, 2018

Focus in Now

It’s been really difficult for me to get out of bed lately. Not because I’m depressed or anything.. I’m not. I’ve just been so tired?? Even though we’ve been routinely going to bed earlier. The l...


April 27, 2018

Quote I made in Now

There is a feel that accompanies doing the wrong thing that feels so utterly good.


April 20, 2018

4/20/2018 in Now

Making daily entries just didn’t work. I wish I made more time to write. I feel like it might help me to remember things better, to keep days separate in my mind. A few days ago I started setting...


March 29, 2018

Happy, productive day. in Now

So I forgot to journal yesterday, but I’ll do that now for yesterday. Yesterday was a good day. I woke up early, spent time getting ready and preparing my food and my day, and had a great day at ...


March 27, 2018

so sad i have no words in Now

wasn’t crying a few minutes ago, but i am now because i just opened an old notebook and found this note, “my cat- he is such a pretty heather color.” dated 1/11/2011. last friday i got the news f...


February 23, 2018

Resolved in Now

Well, E and I resolved things… after a few days. Serendipitously enough, the day after we sorted things I had a chat with people at uni about something super similar. It was nice to be reassured ...


February 19, 2018

And now it's happening with him in Now

… We had a few good weeks. After a big blow out about “communication,” whatever the fuck that means. I seriously need to start saying, “I want to talk later, but I can’t right now. I love you, an...


Lies. I am so missing you. And it’s fucked up because it’s been years, YEARS… how many? I’d have to sit here and really count. 3? Maybe more..?? Idk. No . No. It’s been almost 3 years. Not quite...


December 25, 2017

It's Christmas in Now

Last night was so upsetting for me. E was mad at me… I dried a sweatshirt of his when it shouldn’t have been dried. He didn’t tell me not to dry it… and the label said it was fine… but it shrunk ...


December 07, 2017

I lie awake at night, crying in Now

For all the evil in this world. Instagram post of a man beating his greyhound to death because it lost a race. He was throwing the dog up in the air and slamming it on the ground. My heart is s...


November 28, 2017

Panic ensues - breaking down in Now

Last night I was remembering stuff from a couple of years ago, and I keep having these dreams lately idk about what even… stupid ex’s and other ppl and idk. I really don’t know. But it’s been lea...


November 28, 2017

Vystopia in Now

According to this link, https://www.veganpsychologist.com/do-you-suffer-from-vystopia/, Vystopia is the “existential crisis experienced by vegans which arises out of an awareness of the trance-li...


November 27, 2017

But when I look at him in Now

All the thoughts swirling in my head that I have now lost all the freedom I gained in 2015. But I look over at him, and he smiles at me. And the cat judges my soul. And I realize that he’s worth ...


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