my.constant

"and so it seems i must always write you letters that i can never send"

sylvia plath

Entries 90

Page 3 of 4

April 01, 2017

... in She and Him.

In a way I want to write. I want to write it all down… to say all of the things he won’t hear, no matter how many times I say them… I am aching for someone to hear me, for someone to understand, ...


It’s late when my phone chimes, startling me out of my 2am solitude. When I see his name on the screen, my heart lurches. It always does, no matter how many years go by. A late-night message mean...


January 30, 2017

* La La Land... in She and Him.

He invited me over tonight, and told me that he had some work to finish up, so he put on a film for me to watch while he did. When it started, I realized it was “La La Land”, which I mentioned I ...


January 30, 2017

Heart of Stone. in She and Him.

I have a hard time coming here when he and I haven’t had contact… Not just because all of my sentiments here make me feel slightly foolish, but because when we are not together, he just simply do...


January 22, 2017

I wish you were here. in She and Him.

I’m sitting here watching music videos on YouTube, and I keep coming across amazing covers that I know you’d love, that I would love to share with you. I wish you were here. I wish we were huddle...


January 15, 2017

* Meeting his son. in She and Him.

13 years ago, we sat at a red light in my car as I was taking him home from a party, and he told me that he was having a baby with his ex-girlfriend. I remember the click of the turn signal seemi...


Why are you doing this? Why do you always let him back in? What if you get hurt again? These are questions that people in my life who know about him ask me (often slipped gently into a conversati...


Last night we were on his back porch, surrounded by snow, discussing poetry while smoking and passing a bottle of wine back and forth. He told me about a few of his favorite poets, and read me se...


I had a dream around this time last year that he got into a car accident and died. The dream was so vivid. I remember a friend of his contacting me and telling me to come to his house. When I got...


I haven’t been here in 10 months. My last entry was February 1, 2016… So much time has passed, and now the bitterly cold winter has come ‘round again, leaving me aching to my bones. But not even...


You’ve gone silent on me, again. Longer this time, and I have no idea why. I’m so hurt, and confused, and angry. I’ve spent this weekend holed up inside my apartment, simultaneously cursing your ...


(Something I wrote when I was in my last relationship, thinking of him:) “Do you still love him?” she asks, her voice piercing through the darkness. “Why are you asking me that?” I question, m...


It’s been a while since he showed up at my door. Every time there’s a knock I hope it’s his. It feels silly, after a while, and I try to tell myself not to expect him - but my heart doesn’t liste...


January 02, 2016

* A Christmas Story in She and Him.

I have always been the kind of girl who shows love in a big way. I’m all about grand gestures and loud proclamations of love. I’ve been a letter-writer, a poem-writer, a pseudo artist and even an...


November 19, 2015

You are my home. in She and Him.

It amazes me how I can spend hours upon hours with him, sleep in his arms until his alarm goes off (too early!), then go home smelling of him, still feeling the warmth of his body, and when I cra...


We had a very long conversation last night, and I feel like I’ve gotten a small piece of clarity in the midst of all this confusion and chaos… Though I have no idea what to do with it. It’s helpf...


…But words are still better than silence. So for now, I shall consider his words cautiously… as baby steps… and hope that the words turn into actions so that he doesn’t have to keep apologizing t...


It’s nearly midnight when I hear a knock at my door. I jump and my pulse quickens. Who could it be? Should I answer it? When I finally get the nerve to look out, I see a man standing there in the...


November 03, 2015

It's like you're a drug. in She and Him.

When he asked me to come over last night to watch a movie, I didn’t hesitate in saying yes. As annoyed as I had been over the lack of communication and the fact that we hadn’t seen each other in ...


October 30, 2015

Hello from the outside in She and Him.

He finally messaged me the night before last, after days of silence that had me questioning everything. He apologized for disappearing, he said that he has been in a tough spot and that he needs ...


There are so many words I want to say to you, but just can’t seem to find the right time or place to say them. Instead, they are welling up inside of me, threatening to spill out at any moment. I...


It’s 2:22 AM and he is laying next to me, snoring softly. The room is dark, with the exception of the flickering orange glow of a candle above his bed. His cat lays sleeping between us, and the h...


It’s been a month and a half since we began seeing each other again. We have been in touch every day, and together several times a week, so I feel like we are getting to know each other better. A...


October 11, 2015

* Writing our story. in She and Him.

I haven’t written in 11 days, but that’s partly because I only write in the dead of the night, and partly because I’ve been in his bed more than my own, which doesn’t allow me time to write. I gu...


September 30, 2015

Energies. in She and Him.

Last night he and I shirked our adult responsibilities, and spent the night drinking whiskey, smoking joints and talking. What started as a casual “come over for an hour or two” kind of evening t...


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