my.constant

"and so it seems i must always write you letters that i can never send"

sylvia plath

Entries 89

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April 14, 2018

4/14/18 in She and Him.

I’m so, so tired. emotionally. physically. deep down in my bones. I’m trying to will myself to write about everything but I just can’t. I can’t do anything but sit here and wait to die.


I drifted in and out of sleep next to him for a half hour or so… until a series of noises that sounded like “ow” and “ungh” and “no” woke me up. I looked over, and he still seemed to be sleeping....


February 09, 2018

* IV in She and Him.

And finally, 4 weeks later, at 4 o’clock in the morning, his name lights up my screen. miss you too I’d continued the wallowing I mentioned in my last entry into this week, as the text I sent ...


January 29, 2018

III in She and Him.

It’s been three weeks. Three weeks of nothingness. Three weeks both of us have had to do anything - and neither of us has. I sent that text, but aside from that? Nothing. How can you just halfwa...


January 25, 2018

Read ✓ in She and Him.

He hasn’t responded to my random thinking of you text from the other night, but he read it. So there’s that. I’m not sure why he even reads messages and is so bold to leave them on read. I defin...


I told myself I’d text him this weekend… during ”normal people hours”. As I walked around Wal-Mart alone around 9 PM, I realized I was running out of time if I was going to do it. It was already ...


I am avoidant, and I know that. It is my biggest character flaw. It wasn’t always this way… I grew into this anxiety-ridden mess of a person over time… It began in my relationship with my ex fian...


January 16, 2018

|s t u c k| in She and Him.

I want to write but I can’t. I don’t know what the issue is. I’ve drank almost every night for a week, trying to “get in touch” with my feelings - and while the thoughts of him are never far from...


January 15, 2018

A week since... in She and Him.

Reminiscing again - ‘cause it’s what I do best… A week ago right now, we were laying in his bed, wrapped in each other’s arms, and he was dozing off to sleep. I was laying there, head swimming fr...


I didn’t have high expectations going into 2018, but I didn’t expect for everything to implode just a week into the new year… I’ve been sitting on the floor in the dark for hours, re-reading ever...


And just like that, I’m another year older. Not much the wiser, very much worse for wear. Overall, most days it feels like I’ve akready got one foot in the grave. The lines forming around my mout...


I remember two years ago, he was sending me texts at 11:11 saying “I wished for you”… And now, I’m sitting here wishing on clocks and clovers and parking lot pennies that he’ll talk to me. That’s...


September 21, 2017

* my ghost. in She and Him.

Last night was one of the best, and one of the worst nights I’ve had in a while…I’m so confused about it, like everything else in my life at this point. I don’t even want to write about it, becau...


September 14, 2017

* sick to my stomach in She and Him.

I haven’t written yet that he got into another car accident. His first was in sometime in December of 2016 - he wrapped his car around a light pole, but walked away without a scratch. He got luck...


I opened this page to write a new entry 6 hours ago, and it’s sat here since then with a blinking cursor, waiting for me to type the words that will fill all of this empty space… I opened this pa...


August 31, 2017

* 2. in She and Him.

Two years ago this night I was with him again for the first time in over six years… I remember it like it was yesterday, but it feels like it was lifetimes ago, too. I remember the nervous excite...


Sitting here at 1am, I’m beginning to accept that he’s not going to text back tonight. Earlier, we were planning to hang out, but he suddenly went silent on me… This isn’t anything new - he’s bee...


We kiss at the gate when I arrive, before hugs or hellos… We kiss on the porch, me on my tip-toes to reach him on the step above. The summer breeze cools my skin, and his hands feel like fire whe...


August 20, 2017

to remember. in She and Him.

he tastes like whiskey and tobacco, and sometimes when I’m missing him, I light up a smoke and pour myself a glass just to remember the way he kissed me that night.


Two years. Two years since he came crashing back into my life. Two years since I wrote my first entry about him here, not knowing at the time if I’d ever write another. And sixteen years. Sixte...


July 08, 2017

We Just Are. in She and Him.

The fact that it’s been over a month since I wrote here should tip you off as to how things have been. I rarely know what day it is, weeks go by in a blur, and nothing really changes from day to ...


May 29, 2017

Run. in She and Him.

Every time we have a really great time together, he inevitably pulls back from me as a result. I mentioned that the last time we were together (nearly 2 weeks ago now, I think!) was one of the be...


April 30, 2017

30th of April in She and Him.

Today is his birthday… I sent him a text just after midnight wishing him a happy birthday, and he said that he didn’t think anyone would remember. It got me thinking about how different perspecti...


April 16, 2017

I just... in She and Him.

I love him. I love him so much and I don’t want to write any of these awful things here. I really don’t know if I…


April 01, 2017

... in She and Him.

In a way I want to write. I want to write it all down… to say all of the things he won’t hear, no matter how many times I say them… I am aching for someone to hear me, for someone to understand, ...


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