Entries 21

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Things are always worse at night. If I wake up or I don’t fall asleep until late, the entire world just sinks. Everything seems harder and any good things seem unlikely. But it’s important that I...

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I believe it was around the 9th of June. I was not in a good place. I was sleeping in the living room but I couldn’t sleep. Things just weren’t right in any plane of my life. And I was processing...

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I wrote to F last week that I was feeling embarrassed/ashamed that my responses to people asking me how my life was had become the same kind of narrative. I take a breath and exhale a litany or l...

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I believe that I may have just taken down a person on a FB group page who claimed to be an authority on clinical research and who was condemning a particular HPV vaccine that is being provided to...

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For the past weeks, I’ve described feeling like I’m walking in unreality. I put it down to changes in my routine, less energy than normal, and really trying to come to terms with being on my own....

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Pain in my back for a while. Took it as a sign or an opportunity to stop and rest and maybe take stock. But I’m not best at taking stock so I just rested. And it mostly worked. Except I’ve really...

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I’m pretty sure I have to drop it.

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It had to be done at some point. I had to go back and read the few entries that I wrote here not so long ago. The day will come when I need to go further back. The trouble now is that I want to ...

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“In the past, I believe that I’ve derived no real pleasure or relief from writing about attractions that I have had. The pure joy comes from the thinking and imagining. No reality - even the touc...

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From time to time, I want to talk to someone. It is a compulsion. But I do think writing or drawing or using energy to create something in some way is better. My head is still divided. I have tal...

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I thought about deleting the entries prior to this. I have been able to slide back into my own dreamworld again though. I realised this morning that the only way for me to keep it and manage it,...

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I hate the word "Metrics." It is connected with work. The title is based on this article on Metrics of Attraction - http://www.nytimes.com/2014/07/15/science/the-advanced-metrics-of-attraction.h...

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After some time, this has started to feel a little isolated. More isolated than when I began my OD so long ago. The internet was quite different back then to begin with. It was novel to pitch a f...

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Now, there are coincidences and happen-chance where a skull or a song is ironically there ... hard to explain those times. But you know those times. You're taken unawares by the irony of a song o...

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I was going to look up Flouride controversy documentaries and study anything objective but there is nothing out there except madness. So I listened to a Ted talk that led me to Bela Bartok and th...

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Walking home yesterday evening I thought about how close I was coming to thinking insane thoughts. This is probably the third time that this has worried me. But this time, I'm not under any inord...

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- TED talks: Michael Shermer: The pattern behind self-deception: http://www.ted.com/talks/michaelshermerthepatternbehindselfdeception I am Joe's Body by J.D. Radcliffe: http://www.arvindguptato...

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The walking dead arose this morning to get in my car and drive to the train station. I stopped for a moment to take in the sea that reminds me of mornings as a kid and reminding myself how lucky ...

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The magic of the garden on a dark and rainy day. It makes me feel homesick and yet at home. It is Springtime and the music that I’m listening to is spooky and inspirational. I feel it washing me ...

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I feel like I never needed a touchstone more. If I stop and allow it, the dark ogre inside me is almost visible sometimes. The difficulty in explaining with writing seems only to increase. But mo...

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It is the beginning and it is the end. It is somewhere along the line between the two. New days are the same as the old days except they have a kernel of hope. This morning on the train journey...

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