BulletWithButterflyWings ⋅

Entries 50

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… is something I’ve always been lacking. I want it now. I need it now for my kids sake and my sanity. Every day is a toss up and we all get on each others nerves. I don’t have the control over th...


…sometimes it’s scary because he’s angry and I’m afraid I’m going to lose him and this. I need what we have. I feel guilty that I’m asking him to stay with me this way but I think this could be v...


…is hard me for to say. I hold back. I have different truths for different people and circumstances. I have so many layers to my brain. I don’t feel like I can ever just be me. I don’t know what ...


If neither of the first things happened (dad dying and being molested.) I would be in a totally different place. But being constantly picked on by my parents growing up, that gave me the feeling ...


…I haven’t accomplished anything in my life. I’m not proud of anything I’ve done. I’ve always known people thought I was attractive but I’ve never felt it. I felt like a freak even tho everyone w...


When Master tasks me with balls insertion, I feel… excited, eager and rampy. When I insert my balls, I feel…wet, slimy, happy. When Master praises me for being a good girl, I feel… content, sati...


Hmm. That I’m quiet I guess. People think I’m quiet and shy. I can be quiet when I’m talking to people I’m not comfortable with. I don’t make a scene in a public. I don’t initiate conversation un...


…is hidden under layers and layers. I think I’m lazy and selfish. I like to hide in my house so I don’t have to deal with real life. The less I’m out in the real world the better. The only proble...


…I want to give him all I can. He’s been so good to me. Caring about me. Trying to get me to open up. He puts so much effort in to me to make me a better person and to be happier with where I am ...


I start feeling selfish that I’m locked away in my room while my kids watch tv but I get over that real quick. I need to feel good. I deserve to feel good. I think because I can’t go all the way ...


The thoughts that run thru my head on a daily basis are as follows… What am I going to make for dinner? I had this and that I guess it’s time for… Why do I have to make dinner every day? Why did...


I don’t have one every day all day like perhaps I used to. If I do something stupid I ream myself out especially if it includes wasting money. I even bring it up to myself weeks, months, years la...


I mowed, weed whacked, and raked the yard today. I have two blisters. My 3yo came out to help me, dressed in long pants and a hoodie. It’s almost 90 degrees. He raked for a little while then sai...


… my self doubt. Number one answer every time. My indecision and poor self esteem impact me heavily. I tear myself apart. I have a real problem getting close to people. People have no problem get...


I like feeling owned by him. It brings me comfort and relief. I have more confidence in myself. I want to please him with everything I do. Keeping the house clean, remembering to do things, spen...


… he makes me feel safe. He’s interested in what I say. No matter what it is. He’s willing to help even if it doesn’t affect him. He cares about helping people. I wrote that yesterday when I was ...


I’m not sure what to say… He knows everything. Whatever I say he knows or should know. I have no secrets from him. The rest of the world most definitely but him, none. He’s impacted my life since...


My husband took the day off of work to put an outside shower in for the tenants. I’m his helper. I’ve been the helper on numerous projects. The gopher I suppose is a better term. I go to the stor...


June 14, 2018

Tiiiired in The road to 40

I am so tired all the time. Just started taking vitamins a few months ago. I see no benefit. Not sure if they do anything at all. The whole family started taking them so why not. The kids eat ter...


…Master doesn’t give me things to do. Mentally I start to drift. I need to be prompted or I don’t want to do anything. If my mind is active I will get more things done. I make myself tired by the...


…helps me relax and stay focused. If I know he is in control I don’t need to worry. This week is busy for me but I’m focused and not drifty because of his guidance. He keeps me going and engaged....


June 07, 2018

9 months to go in The road to 40

I will be 40 next year. These are my thoughts on the way there. So far I still feel 20ish so hopefully 40 doesn’t come as a complete shock to me. I’m not thinking it will but who knows. My husban...


…is both loose and freeing. I need his guidance and support but not strict rules. I hate when he says I need him to pay attention to me because it is way more than that. And I hope he knows that....


I don’t know what’s behind the door, I’m afraid to open it. Scared of what I might find. I get along with people because I don’t speak my mind. I isolate myself on purpose, on my terms. I don’t w...


Really? Do you know me? Nothing. The answer is nothing. I’m not a frilly little girl who goes gaga over things. I know that’s not what you mean but I have no answer. I live my life. I fill my day...


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