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NOOOOOO!

by IAmAWotsit

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Book Description

So again last night I went to bed stuffing my gob with Codeine and washing them down with Irish Cream Liqueur …I know!….I shouldn’t be mixing booze with strong pain killers but if I can survive being given 48 hours to live as I did in 2014 and 3 lots of pneumonia over the years and a couple of serious chest infections then I can live through the occasional booze/pills binge!… because of the monstrous menopause AND it’s constant demands I pee!

The old bag, which should have been burned at the stake has been sacrificing my soul to Satan for about 10 years. I’m now 56 and while I don’t wish my life away, I’ll be glad when the hideous old crone leaves me alone permanently!

My legs and feet were cramping up again and it’s my hubby I feel sorry for, unintentionally waking him as I scream and cry with cramps! He’s been soooo patient and understanding for the past 14 years and has not made any attempts on my life for accidentally keeping him awake…yet!

Two O’Clock In The Morning:

Oh monsterpause, why did you do it to meeee?
Why did you only pretend you wanted to pee?
I was laying in bed, covered in sweat when you told me
”I need to pee dramatically, now out of your bed, GET!”

So I sleepily swung my legs over the side
as my fanny wibbled and wobbled like a turbulent tide.
I sat there as my monsters were determined to prove
that silly o’clock in the morning they can make me move
off to the bog, barely awake, with my hair a mess,
give me a break! As I sat there with my shorts around my knees
farting and grunting, trying to wee.

Urm…where exactly is it? I ask my bits, not a drop is coming
no matter how much I squidge! I wobble my arse and squeeze my cheeks but no pissing is doing, OMG! Eeek!

So I yank up my shorts and plod back to bed,
while cursing the menopause in my head.
Just as I’m about to fall in to slumber
my fanny explodes in a gigantic rumble,
then back to the karzie I run at full speed,
plonk back on the loo, determined to pee.

At last! The flood gates have finally flung free
affording me a massive wee.

The menopause monster is a total pest,
it cares not for it’s victims, not doing it’s best.
All it does is glue us to the loo,
pretending it wants to wee and poo
when in reality it really pesters you!

It’s now 2:17 am, I’m wide awake,
stuffing my gob with a cuppa and cake,
so monsterpause, you rotten old craggy!
Stop making my fanny all moist and saggy!
I demand you let me back to sleep
where my undercarriage I’ll safely keep!