Public

She and Him.

by my.constant

Entries 106

Page 1 of 5

I arrived at his house earlier than usual the other night - he’d ordered Taco Bell delivery, and got us a couple of ‘wild strawberry’ slushies. We sat at his computer desk and watched YouTube vid...


January 15, 2021

This is not a gift

It was 6am when I drove the short 2-minute drive to his house, after we’d been talking via text and FaceTime all night, and into the morning. We’d talked about everything under the sun, and got o...


(…Continued from previous entry) - I stare at my phone in confusion at his text that read: “I feel like we had a weird moment on the phone and we shouldn’t be talking“ After so many nights sp...


He’s been calling me via FaceTime several times a week, sometimes almost daily… At random times, not always in the middle of the night. I almost expect him to call me now at this point and my anx...


My previous entry was almost 3 weeks ago now - but it’s not because nothing has happened. I just haven’t been motivated to write, my sleep schedule has been even crazier than usual, and many of t...


December 11, 2020

"Napping"

Another night where he calls me via FaceTime and we talk and listen to music, play a little Jeopardy trivia, tell each other stories and take turns exchanging compliments. He tells me how pretty ...


It’s 3AM and we’ve been texting all night, but suddenly my phone starts ringing and I realize he’s FaceTiming me. Something that makes me incredibly nervous but excited - because it means I get t...


November 23, 2020

Trivia as foreplay...

My laptop died last week while I was watching a movie & texting with R. I’ve had the worst luck with technology lately - and I have far too many vet and rent bills piling up to replace anythi...


After we’d spent the previous night together in the company of his friend, I realized I’d left a few things at his house, and he texted me saying I was welcome to come get them and have a smoke w...


October 20, 2020

Falling Behind

In the past year or so, I’ve only written a handful of entries, because he and I rarely spoke or saw each other during that time… And I missed him so much that it was almost painful to come here,...


October 18, 2020

Show Me Off

We’ve been texting off an on more than usual. There are a few entries in the drafts that I haven’t even published here yet, but I wanted to talk about this lighthearted night (10/19) first. He’s...


October 03, 2020

Let it Burn

I arrive at 2AM, and make my way around the back of the house. He told me to let myself in when I got there. Despite that, I feel nervous. I text as I’m walking up to the gate, and when I get to ...


He texts me tonight and says I can come over and get my phone charger, after almost 2 weeks of infrequent texts… My texts are usually unread, and once opened; left on read for a bit, before a sho...


September 24, 2020

"I don't need a connection"

I hate not knowing what he’s going through, I hate not knowing where his head is at, I hate being left to assume, speculate, and ponder. I can only piece things together from the infrequent, frag...


September 19, 2020

breakfast

5:30AM September 10 He texts and says he’s thinking about going to McDonald’s for breakfast, because his uber eats had cancelled on him. I was still up, of course; and said that it sounded good....


August 31, 2020

1,825 days...

August 30, 2015: We had just reconnected after over six years apart, and had been texting here and there for a couple months. I’d run into him a few times at the grocery store, but aside from tha...


August 10, 2020

The River (pt III)

He’s got his head between his hands as he sits next to me on the couch, telling me that he really was planning on ending things that night, and he really did stand on the bridge and look down at ...


August 01, 2020

The River (pt II)

(Continued from previous entry) Him: “I’m at the river”.... Before my mind could catch up with my body, I’d already swung my legs over the side of the bed and was haphazardly pulling clothes ou...


July 22, 2020

The River (pt I)

It’s Saturday night (July 18, 2020) , creeping into Sunday morning around 2 AM when I get a text from him: “Thinking I’m wanting to take a header into the river tonight” I reply “you and me bo...


July 05, 2020

golden hour

It’s 6am Sunday morning and most people are getting ready to start their day, but I’m staring out the window listening to melancholic music and pouring myself another drink as I watch the sun com...


June 29, 2020

isolation/reconnection

It’s been 7 months since I last wrote…there’s only one other time I’ve taken that long of a hiatus since I began writing here in June of 2015. It’s hard to believe that this journal has existed f...


In my mind, this is the way it happens: He’s probably upset. Probably with her. Maybe he’s bored. Maybe he’s feeling bad about himself & needs reassurance. He’s definitely drinking. Each sip...


November 11, 2019

You're stupid. Really stupid.

It’s almost been a month since I last wrote - when I was only half-surprised that he reached out again after our supposed “goodbye”. Since then, we have been in contact here and there. Not once ...


The days following my last entry here just shy of a month ago were spent warring with myself - one part of me wallowing in the misery of what it meant to truly live without him, and the other par...


Well, I did it. There’s no turning back now. The thing I’ve gone back and forth about for over a year is now done. I sent him a message with a link to this journal. During our conversation the o...


Book Description

“Perhaps we’ll find each other later,
when we aren’t two kids
scrambling to find a home.
Maybe we’ll intersect again,
with new collections
of memories and dreams
tied to our ankles,
searching for someone
to lighten the burden.

And maybe, just maybe,
next time the
I-love-yous will be real,
instead of muttered hopes
that left our lips bloodstained.”