Public

She and Him.

by my.constant

Entries 89

Page 1 of 4

4 days ago

The River (pt II)

(Continued from previous entry) Him: “I’m at the river”.... Before my mind could catch up with my body, I’d already swung my legs over the side of the bed and was haphazardly pulling clothes ou...


July 22, 2020

The River (pt I)

It’s Saturday night (July 18, 2020) , creeping into Sunday morning around 2 AM when I get a text from him: “Thinking I’m wanting to take a header into the river tonight” I reply “you and me bo...


July 05, 2020

golden hour

It’s 6am Sunday morning and most people are getting ready to start their day, but I’m staring out the window listening to melancholic music and pouring myself another drink as I watch the sun com...


June 29, 2020

isolation/reconnection

It’s been 7 months since I last wrote…there’s only one other time I’ve taken that long of a hiatus since I began writing here in June of 2015. It’s hard to believe that this journal has existed f...


In my mind, this is the way it happens: He’s probably upset. Probably with her. Maybe he’s bored. Maybe he’s feeling bad about himself & needs reassurance. He’s definitely drinking. Each sip...


November 11, 2019

You're stupid. Really stupid.

It’s almost been a month since I last wrote - when I was only half-surprised that he reached out again after our supposed “goodbye”. Since then, we have been in contact here and there. Not once ...


The days following my last entry here just shy of a month ago were spent warring with myself - one part of me wallowing in the misery of what it meant to truly live without him, and the other par...


Well, I did it. There’s no turning back now. The thing I’ve gone back and forth about for over a year is now done. I sent him a message with a link to this journal. During our conversation the o...


September 17, 2019

* what i wish...

“You love him. I know you’re in love with him. You have been since you were just a girl…” …my 77-year-old grandma says, sitting across from me on her couch. She’s never said this to me before,...


He calls from his room letting me know he’s made it safely to his destination, and though I am relieved he’s still speaking to me with the way we left things a few nights ago after he left so abr...


September 13, 2019

Friday the 13th

I hadn’t seen him but once briefly since the end of May, which I never documented here. We video chatted for quite a while, and it culminated with me heading to meet him at 4am… The urge to see o...


I’ve always written in journals and recorded the details of my life. I recently found a box that contained the diaries and journals from my youth.. The first starting when I was only 8 years old ...


August 15, 2019

just like that

just like that, he’s saying “hey you” and sending me pictures of the gourmet meal he cooked. like nothing ever happened. like i hadn’t recently feared for his actual life and like he hadn’t ignor...


It’s been ten days since I last wrote, desperate to hear anything from him to let me know he was ok… I’d texted him asking him to just read it, to let me know he was alright -because all my messa...


July 17, 2019

* s i l e n c e

Two days of silence. The loudest silence. My last entry ended with me sending him encouragement and love after he had texted me saying he wasn’t doing good, and alluding to dark thoughts. I fell...


I ask him how he’s doing, and he replies that he’s not good. He says that he is debating whether or not he should talk to me… I’ve been waiting for a text from him for weeks. And he can’t even de...


June 30, 2019

* 4

Four years ago I sat across from him, for the first time in ages… Scared to even get close - to touch him to let him in again. Fast forward to present-day, and there’s no one in this world I’d r...


November 21, 2018

s l u t

tonight was the first night, maybe in forever, that i hoped that our conversation wouldn’t lead to me “stopping by” like I did the week before last. Where we didn’t go inside but instead sat in m...


September 30, 2018

all cried out

he showed up at my door tonight. i wasn’t expecting it. my world both came together and split apart in the course of a few short hours. he left an hour ago and i have been crying.... sobbing.......


September 03, 2018

an awkward situation...

I’m sitting here, a knot of anxiety and dread in the pit of my stomach… A familiar feeling. A feeling I feel often when we talk. Waiting for him to text back. Wondering what he’s going to say. Wi...


August 31, 2018

* 3.

I’ve been low-key dreading this day. The day that would mark 3 years since we crashed back into one another’s lives. I don’t want to acknowledge it, but I know I have to. Because three years ago,...


July 30, 2018

to feel something

Last month at this time I was slumped against a graffiti-covered bathroom stall inside a dive bar, heart hammering, hands shaking, head spinning, trying to text him with one eye open. I kept maki...


May 09, 2018

** never forever.

it hurts so bad when he says things like “we shouldn’t talk anymore.” “we shouldn’t see each other anymore.” And he says it a lot these days. I mean, I guess he’s always said it a lot. I just rea...


I left my now-weekly Al-Anon meeting, hands shaking and mind racing as I drove toward his house around 9 PM. I tried to get out of my head by blasting music and singing along, but it didn’t work....


He’s messaged me a few times this past week or so, but they’re always short messages. One word answers. Nothing particularly conversational, even though he’s been the one to initiate… I ask leadi...


Book Description

“Perhaps we’ll find each other later,
when we aren’t two kids
scrambling to find a home.
Maybe we’ll intersect again,
with new collections
of memories and dreams
tied to our ankles,
searching for someone
to lighten the burden.

And maybe, just maybe,
next time the
I-love-yous will be real,
instead of muttered hopes
that left our lips bloodstained.”