May 6 reflections and stuff in Old

SS deposited into bank account right on time big relief. I’m still find it bizarre that I’m living on Social Security but that’s a good thing.

Big anticipation of going to the grocery store today. Funny how I used to get panic attacks going into grocery stores because of fear of people. Some agoraphobia. Now I enjoy it. It was amusing talking with the manager as I often do at the Aldi store. He always smiles and greets me when he sees me. I referred to him as a friend today and I meant it. It’s a strange thing, but it’s good. I enjoy seeing the employees asking about their lives and finding some way to compliment them. Today I started questioning how friendly I am to people, but then I shook it off. Be yourself. Be positive. Be good. Be kind. If others don’t like it, fuck ‘em. I enjoy encountering people and drawing them out of themselves. I compliment people on such simple things as their smiles. It was amusing to me that after shopping going home, it occurred to me that I had not got any cheese. I looked at it and then got distracted. Went down to Aldi and told the manager I missed him and he laughed and asked me what did I forget🤣

I got two containers of peanut butter. One for me and one for the squirrels. They’ve been coming up to my door and trying to get into the house to get my attention or something because they want the damn peanut butter. It is hilarious to see a squirrel standing at my front door on its hind legs, just staring. I talk to them and tell them to cool their jets take it easy. I’ll take care of them. I go out with a butter knife, full of peanut butter and put it on a piece of wood near a tree. It’s a funny routine because I will walk past the squirrel, ignoring it put the peanut butter down, then talk to the squirrel in motion to it and it will reluctantly or anxiously follow me and go to where I point. I was asked today if I ever try to touch the squirrels or pet them or get near them and I said hell no. I give them space and respect. They can get spooked invite me. I don’t think of them as cute little toys. They are essentially varmints. I feel good whenever I help an animal to survive by giving it a little bit of food. This summer when it gets hot, I will put out a bowl of water for them for any animal. My landlord does not want me or anyone else to feed animals or birds. I try not to be seen doing it. I only give a little bit of food. I feel it’s good karma.

Someone on this site wrote something about someone told them they look healthy. I think they deleted their post, but it was thoughtful provoking idea. It made me think about how I size people up. Along with obvious things I notice I look at how they look. Are they healthy? Do they look druggie or like a drunk? Do they look like they’ve got a good healthy diet? So many people, I see the signs of alcohol and bad food. For example, after I quit junk food with all the white sugar, my skin became better and I now have more energy. Whenever I quit drinking in the past, there was a dramatic change that I could see. Whenever I lose weight, I lose it in my face first. It feels good to see people that have been taking care of themselves. For decades, I could see the effect of bad food and alcohol on my father. It changes how people smell. I sometimes look at myself and try to judge if I look healthy or not. I think I am looking like I have worked on myself in good ways.

I recently thought about the four guys I hung out with when I was a kid. We lived in the same area so we connected that way. But looking back, we had about zero in common or most of us did. I used to try to reach out to some of them, but I realized dude there is nothing in common. We are all so very different people and always have been. But it was just living in the same area that made us play together hang out together. I used to think my best friend back then was some kind of a cool guy a real leader but then after he cheated on a couple wives and used me for beers and drinks because he said he never had any money I realized I was a better person than he was overall. Morally. It’s like after the factory closed at first I wanted to stay connected with people then I realized we had nothing in common except working in that same place.

My girl bird Maxi has been laying eggs and then I throw them away because I can’t have extra birds here. I hate doing it, but I must. She became very weak and just lay in a sleeping area. She was very irritable and tried to bite me. I gave her breakfast in bed and at first she snapped at me then she devoured the food. Whenever I cook something that she could eat safely, I gave it to her. Today it was ham, cheese, and eggs. I ordered fake eggs in case she is not done laying eggs. I will replace an egg and according to what some pet websites said the bird will sit on it and get bored then get back to normal. Watching that Ford Bird makes me realized the hell women go through so much. I was so worried about Maxi. I think she knows what I did with her eggs and she’s a bit hostile toward me. Or maybe it’s because I shaved my beard and I look so different now. Who is that stranger?