Change in Journaling

Started a mood stabilizer and an antipsychotic about a month ago and it’s so strange having a clear mind. It feels like I have to get to know myself again. After years of living with undiagnosed schizoaffective, I really didn’t know what was me or the disorder. I knew I was mentally ill but I really didn’t understand HOW ill I was. I never knew what a quiet mind was like. Now I understand how people can be bored. I have always had an active mind and could spend hours just thinking and getting lost in a dissociative state. Now I just feel more present and have all this extra time on my hands, idk what to do with it.

My art has been changing since I have not had the emotional intensity I had before but I read someone say now you can create when you want with more intention rather than waiting for a wave of emotion to hit you, so I’m trying that. Some days it works and some days, I miss the strong waves. The way I think, my vision, my emotions, and the way I socialize is all different now. I’m over 30 years old and I’m just now having a chance to really learn myself. It’s both exciting and scary. Who the fuck am I?