Racing thoughts in Journaling

Overall I’d say I’m in a good place. Like I struggle but opening up myself to the possibility that I may be sicker than I originally thought has really helped me reach out for local resources and things that are helping me. So am I better? Not much. Am I in a better place? Yes. So I think that in itself is something to be proud of.

I woke up in a better mood today. Didn’t get much sleep but I think I may be entering a manic episode so that’s to be expected. Manic episodes are always better for me than depressive states but it doesn’t come without it’s challenges. Like wanting to do things impulsively. Being aware of my states has helped me slow down but.. I still catch myself lol don’t write that person, don’t buy that thing, don’t flirt, don’t go there, don’t color your hair (oops I failed that one). Setting boundaries with myself keeps me in check. I can’t believe I didn’t know I had bipolar until I started charting it and then it’s like holy shit. Duh. I think it’s just widely misunderstood.

Sometimes it’s just extreme agitation and anxiety. Sometimes it can be a rush, but other times, it just puts me in a bad place. But after that depressive episode, I am welcoming it. I want to reach out so bad to that someone but I’m not going to. I don’t want to cause trouble. But I’m still here mentally. Flooding with things I wanna say. It just sucks to not have been able to have closure and the fact that I don’t even really want closure makes it worse. I always wanted some sort of friendship. What do you call it when you can’t move on? Obsession? Stubbornness? Addiction? Remorse? Why am I so stuck on them even this long after the fact. Idk if I’ve ever experienced that before… I guess I genuinely cared about them far beyond a relationship because I still want the best for them.