Headline From October 3rd, 1982 in Excerpts From The Birmingham Groves High School Scriptor

Lester Menkelmann, a junior from Mr. Frobeson's third-period Chemistry class, was taken to the nurse's office, late Tuesday morning, last week, after a Bunson burner he was using in an attempt to boil Silly Putty accidentally fell into his ass at least five times, causing third-degree burns to his anus and ruining a perfectly good egg of Silly Putty, by most accounts. When asked to comment on the mishap, Mr. Frobeson tearfully explained that it was the worst Chemistry class accident in not only BGHS' history but in all three years of his teaching career.

"There WAS the time a rather large student beat me senseless because I refused to produce banana pudding from raw chemicals for her so she wouldn't have to walk all the way down to the cafeteria at lunchtime, but THIS incident seems worse, because I'd just cleaned the classroom's equipment the afternoon before and didn't really want to scrub raw feces from the Bunson burners AGAIN and miss that episode of Star Trek, that evening, the one with the triibbles on it."

According to Gary Hoover, also a junior in Mr. Frobeson's third-period class, "THAT'S a good-ass Star Trek, dude."

Mrs. Butler, the school nurse, when asked to comment on the tragedy, was quoted as saying, "DAMN." Then she shook her head, muttering something about "white boys" as she meandered back into her office.

Lester Menkelmann, when asked to be interviewed during a telephone call to his home, Sunday, refused to comment, already wary of the nickname "Lester the Bunson Burner Tester" floating around the locker room back at school.

"What a fag!" Steve Yeardley, BGHS' star quarterback guffawed as he was finishing rubbing Ben Gay on a freshman's jock strap the night before after the game with Williamsburg in which the BGHS Bears defeated the Williamsburg High School Larks 84 - 0 after Yeardley had rubbed Ben Gay on the jock straps of every Williamsburg player while most were in them.

The manufacturer of Silly Putty has yet to return all calls to the Scriptor regarding the boilability of their product, but Gary Hoover swears it can be done.

"DUDE. It's TOTALLY possible. You don't even need a Bunson burner. You can just roll it around in your hand REALLY fast and it can, like, MELT. Then you put your fingers up to your nose. Gets you WASTED, brah!"

But can you BOIL it?

"What?" Hoover asked, having forgotten the question.